You and your spouse gain assets and liabilities throughout your marriage. Unfortunately, if you decide to get divorced, you have to discuss clearly who gets what. Everything you have purchased, received, or saved while you are still living together should be divided accordingly. When this time comes, you should be ready to sit down with your soon-to-be-ex-spouse and negotiate a financial settlement.

Preparation for divorce settlement is as stressful as the negotiation itself. Thus, to get a successful settlement, you should primarily: (1) have a clear understanding of the present situation and (2) seek professional assistance from reliable lawyers to ensure the security of your interest.

Before sitting down for negotiation, make sure that you thoroughly consider the following things:

- Know exactly what your marital assets are

- Decide how you can both benefit from shared business or professional practice

- Consider support for the family, especially the children

- Determine and consider your pension and its beneficiaries

- Focus more on real value, rather than sentimental ones

- Differentiate what you need from what you want.

- Be realistic with your demands

Remember that you must be represented and advised well to be able to negotiate effectively. Know what part of your marital assets and married life you can realistically expect to keep, not only as you prepare to negotiate your settlement, but as you live your life apart from the other person.

A team of a lawyers, CDFA, and even a therapist (if emotional aspects become an issue for either of you) can help make you understand your rights, your needs, and your true feelings before you get ready to negotiate with your spouse.

Divorce can be one of the most stressful and difficult experiences you will ever face. It can be hard to think clearly and be rational during this emotional time. So do not forget to seek the help of reliable professionals during this trying time.

Protecting your credit before the divorce

A looming divorce can be stressful on anyone and in the heat of the moment people who once shared love and respect can do terrible hurtful things to each other. If care is not taken during this stressful time, divorcees can find themselves in hot water later on down the track, worse still it is possible that serious damage can be done to an individual’s credit rating. It is in your best interest to make sure that your credit and good name are protected before, during and after divorce. By taking a few precautionary steps, and having a solid understanding of the way your accounts work, before the divorce begins will mean that a recent divorcee wont have quite so many pieces to pick up after the divorce is over.Plan ahead and nip any chance of damage to your credit in the bud, before it gets serious.

Understanding Your Accounts

There are two main types of accounts. These are called individual and joint and we will address them in detail in the course of this article. One person owns an individual account and, in order to have the account, that person’s income, assets and credit file are used as a decider of whether the person is eligible. The lending institution does not factor the possibility of a partner into the person’s financial obligations or assets when deciding to give an applicant an individual credit account. What this essentially means is that the person who owns the account is responsible for the payment of the account, not a second party. This individual account will be noted in your credit history and never in your partners if they are not the holder of the individual account. Always research the situation because this is where things can get tricky. If you live in a community property state, all debts, regardless of their type, are included as joint responsibility while two people are married. This means that if you are married and your partner has an individual account on which a large debt is owed, even though you are not responsible for the debt, it becomes your responsibility anyway. Even worse, this debt will be included in your credit report, which can be damaging if your partner doesn’t pay it. An individual account can have its good points as well as bad. If you don’t work or have a very low income, it can be difficult to get credit because your income won’t support it. Some times, in this situation, the only way to get credit is to be included or include your partner on the account or start a joint account together.

Individual accounts and authorized users

If you have already got an individual account, it is possible to add an authorized user. An authorized user is someone that has access to your account at his or her convenience. But keep in mind that if you include another person in your individual account, you are still the only person who is responsible for the account. This means that any debts that are owed are the account holder’s responsibility, not the authorized user that has been included.

Joint Accounts

If married couples apply for credit together, then they are jointly responsible for any debt that is incurred on the account. While things are going well in a relationship, this form of credit account can be ideal. The chances of getting credit are more likely because both parties can offer assets and income to the deal. The problem with joint accounts is that when a couple decide to divorce, it is possible that your partner may run up a huge bill, or stop paying their share of the payments that you both are responsible for. If payments on the account aren’t made, then this could ruin your credit.

How to protect yourself

With an individual account that has an authorized user, the holder of the account should immediately request that the authorized user be removed from the account and that their card be revoked. Because you are the primary cardholder, you are completely within your rights to do this. If you have a joint account you should request that the account be closed immediately before any damage can be done. If there is a balance owing on the account, then you should request that half of the balance be put into an individual account for each person. A lending institution is not allowed to close an account simply because a married couple have divorced or are contemplating divorce. However, if one of the people in the couple requests that the account be closed, then the lending institution is allowed to make the changes. If divorce is on the horizon, it is important to address this issue immediately since lending institutions are not required to change joint accounts to individual ones, but may choose to do so at their own discretion. Lending institutions may request that each party re-apply for their credit accounts again. If this happens, it is possible that the lending institution may deny credit to one or both of the account holders if their income is insufficient or their credit report is blemished.

Prevention, the best cure

If divorce is looming for a couple, the best thing to remember is that prevention is the best cure. By closing accounts or removing authorized users, it gives you a better chance at keeping your credit intact and on track. If you can talk to your partner, then try to resolve credit issues and make changes to your accounts. Whether or not you can talk to your partner, you should make fair and reasonable plans that keep both yours and your partner’s best interest at heart. It is also important to remember that if you are required to pay debts incurred on credit and the payments are not made on time, then you run the risk of these appearing on your credit report. Once you have ruined your credit rating, it takes a long time and a lot of hard work to repair it. Keep your credit survival in mind and prevent problems before they occur.

I get letters. As a Relationship Coach, and the “How to Attract the Man of Your Dreams” expert on a major website, I get letters.

“I’ve been seeing a guy for a year who’s in the process of a divorce,” writes Anne (not her real name). She goes on to recount a familiar story. He dates her, then goes back to his wife. He comes back to her, then sees another woman. Anne has fallen in love with this man, says she knows he loves her, and can’t figure out what’s going on.

My client Beth calls me for relationship coaching and tells me the latest with her “legally separated” man. “He’s so sweet and loving,” she says. “We have a wonderful time together, but then he completely over-reacts to something and there’s this totally off-the-wall outburst and I just know it has to do with his wife. Soon-to-be-ex-wife. I sure hope he goes through with this. Then he goes away for a while. He won’t answer my phone calls. I think he might be sleeping with other women. Then he calls again and wants me to come over. This is all so confusing. I know he loves me. …”

What’s happening here is many a good, loving and otherwise clear-thinking woman gets involved with a man who’s separated, “legally separated,” divorcing, or newly divorced, and enters a maelstrom. The best way to describe it is “when it is good, it’s very very good, and when it is bad, it is horrid.”

It can’t be understood, because it’s every bit as confusing as it feels! And then you want to fix that for him!

If you’re in this position, first let me say that I’m sorry, especially if you have lost your heart to this man. Men in this transitional stage can be at their most loveable, because of their temporary vulnerability, but they ought to have warning signs on their backs: CAUTION: Danger. Stay away.

Why is this? And why do we get so fooled?

There is something alluring about a man coming out of a marriage. The feelings you have are real, and his responses to you can be wonderful, but here’s the deal. Men suffer terribly when their marriage breaks up and cannot tolerate being alone with their awful feelings - betrayal, failure, grief, longing, guilt, and most of all, being alone. And when men hurt, they don’t sit and hurt, they take action to make it go away. Emotions are problems to be solved. Men are primed to do this. It’s one of the things we love about men, but in this case, you want to stay clear.

Missing one woman, they will go and find another one, and they aren’t always particular about it. It isn’t exactly thought-through.

This is no reflection on you. It has happened to many a woman before you. Relationship coaching is all about avoiding this.

We women, you know, we eat ice cream, cry, listen to music, talk to our friends or our coaches about the painful feelings, and write in our journals. We usually don’t rush into another affair because we know we aren’t ready and don’t have anything to give. Women are, according to emotional intelligence assessments, more “socially responsible.”

The man, good as he may be, much as you may truly love him, is not ready. He is not emotionally available, although you are getting “emotion” and that’s what’s so confusing. The emotions, though, are all about him and his pain. And here’s the hardest part - sex is the best antidote in the world for pain. It releases all those endorphins.

In addition, to a man, sex available is sex available; the emotions don’t necessarily go along with it, as they tend to with women. So you fall in love, you bond, and he doesn’t. For now, well, maybe, well that’s scary because he just got hurt so bad, but she’s so nice and nice to me, and I hate to be all alone, and she’s willing … she’s the one who started all this … you see how it goes.

Emotional intelligence assessments also show that men are lower in “empathy.” Combine this with lower social responsibility and you have someone who is going to assuage their loneliness and, yes, horniness, on you, without really understanding or caring about how you might be feeling. Driven by pain, they don’t really care.

That’s what’s going on. Because men take action, they need to know what they are doing before they act, or it’s a real mess.

One dynamic I see as a Relationship Coach is that the more an ambivalent man likes the woman, the more he runs. So, you see, it’s a “can’t win” situation that continually raises and frustrates your hopes. In fact, a common scenario is that eventually you explode, and he says you are too demanding or have a bad temper, and takes his exit.

Why this dynamic? He got hurt real bad. When he starts to feel love again, he remembers the pain right along with it. For right now, the two are hooked together: love=pain. Everyone who divorces goes through this, and I doubt that he is intentionally trying to hurt you. He’s pretty much focused on himself right now and not thinking too clearly, because that’s what emotional turmoil does - cloud our thinking. We learn this in emotional intelligence.

You’re clear about yourself and your feelings, but you get sucked into the chaos. You get so many mixed messages and signals - “come here, no go away; you, no her, no HER.” The man is not necessarily conscious of this, so when you ask for clarification you either get nonsense, or he gets mad at you for asking, or about something irrelevant, to make the irritation of not-knowing go away.

When will he be ready? What should you do if you’ve given your heart already? Working with a Relationship Coach can help you get through this maze, and avoid them in the future. There are rules about dating after divorce - things that work, and things that don’t work, and certain signs to watch for.

“But,” you say, “Fred and Thelma started dating when he was married and they’re…” As a Relationship Coach, I see the end results as well, and the odds against this lasting are very, very small. I’m not saying I like this scenario any more than you do, but the divorce rate for second marriages is even higher than the divorce rate for first marriages; and worse yet for thirds. I don’t like the odds, do you?

Get some Relationship Coaching and give yourself the best chance possible. Find out how to catch a man at the “right” time, and what you must do, and what you must not do. You don’t want to become a statistic!

So you finally decided that you truly want to divorce from your “supposedly” life partner. The relationship has deteriorated to a point of no return and you want out.

While married, you lived like an ordinary married life. You had children — you participated in their activities; you helped with homework, you volunteered for the school, you watched their artistic performances and sports competition, you took them to the ballet and instrument lessons, you met their friends’ parents and shared some great stories, you carpooled and so on.

You had a joint bank account — without even thinking, you shared the expenses for the household, children’s activities, vacations, family outings, clothes, medical expenses, braces, and so on. You bought a house, cars and other good stuff for the enjoyment of all; you may even have given your children the gift of a private education.

You had a house — you shared the delights and the responsibilities of being a homeowner; you did chores, you shared in the maintenance of this beautiful place, in its decoration, in the placement of your beautiful furniture, in paying the utility bills and taxes.

You made sure that the yard was as beautiful as your living room, you had a garden, you called the plumber and electrician when needed, you maintained the vents for air conditioning and heating in good shape and did everything else in your power to have a happy home.

You had a good social life. You had good friends; you welcomed your spouse’s friends as your own, you had dinners and birthday parties; you visited others as they visited you; you went out to clubs and restaurants, you were a member of a club, perhaps, where the two of you shared many experiences with others, and son on.

You had a great family life. Even if not perfect, you dealt well with your in-laws, you had Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners, you spent time together, you exchanged presents, you shared laughter and tears, you celebrated birthdays and mourned deaths.

You had a good leisure life: you went to the theatre, you watched films and some especial TV programs, you went to concerts, you played tennis and other sports, and you shared a hobby, among other things.

In sum you had a great ordinary life, with its highs and lows. You lived “for better and for worse” as you thought you should. Now you realized that you have grown apart and that the company of your spouse is no longer a pleasure. You have learned to live your own life, you refuse to share the bed, and you want nothing to do with this person with whom you have shared your life.

You have learned to disrespect, to despise, and to hate. This very being who was once the perfect life partner is now an unknown person and you couldn’t care less whether this person is happy or whether this person is living in hell. You are done.

You have reached the dreadful point of no return and no matter what you hear about divorcing is not going to convince you to stay in such a rotten relationship.

Very well.

But think about it for a moment: are you absolutely sure this is the best course of action? Of course, the relationship as it was no longer exists. But, can you find a way to change this relationship and create a different one where no one will be sacrificed?

Think about what you are about to lose if you divorce: your children full time, your family life, your house, your friends, your financial security and shared expenses, and your lifestyle. In sum, everything. Is this a price you are willing to pay?

Now, consider the following: are you ready to see a once perfect partner become your deadly enemy? Have you thought about what kinds of cruelty you will be inflicted upon by someone with whom you were once intimate? Because this is what usually happens when there is a break up, especially when there is bitterness. Your spouse might lose civility and will become a nightmare for sure.

Now, forget everything you are going to lose. You certainly can deal with them. But can your children? Can you see your children losing most, if not all the privileges there are accustomed to because your lifestyle will take a dip in several areas? Can you now trust your spouse to care for your children part of the year, when you are not present to control damages?

Can you let go of all that is very dear to you because of your inability to see the house for the bushes? Or do you think you could give a try and re-create a relationship for the sake of everyone’s well-being? It is possible, you know.

Think about it.

How can parents decide on a custody and visitation plan?

Parents who separate should have a custody and visitation or parenting plan for deciding how they will share parenting responsibilities. A custody and visitation plan must be in writing and signed by both parties and a judge to be enforceable.

What if parents cannot agree on a custody and visitation plan?

If parents cannot agree on custody and visitation on their own they may go to court and ask a judge for a temporary order. The Court will first send them to Conciliation Court where a trained mediator tries to help the parties agree. In Los Angeles conciliation services are free. An appointment can be made by calling conciliation services at (213) 974-5524.

If the parties still cannot agree, the Court will make a temporary custody and visitation order that is in the best interests of the children. The temporary order will continue until the parties can reach an agreement or until custody and visitation is resolved after a trial.

If parents cannot agree on custody and visitation, they can also ask the court to appoint a mental health expert such as a psychologist to carry out a custody evaluation. A list of custody evaluators can be found at the Los Angeles Court’s web site at www.lasuperiorcourt.org.

Developing a Plan

While it is difficult to make generalizations about the suitability of various parenting plans many experts agree that during the first years of life, it is important for young children to develop an attachment to a primary caretaker and recommend frequent but non-overnight visitation with the non-custodial parent for short periods of time. As the children grow older and are better able to develop multiple attachments longer periods of continuous overnight visitation is encouraged.

Consider the practical aspects of any plan

A first step in developing a plan is charting out the schedules of the children and both parents. This will help you make realistic choices based upon practical considerations. Take a calendar and chart out in a colored pen the activities of each of your children (e.g. when they leave and return from school/day care each day, when they go to different activities such as music lessons, when they have vacations etc.) Next, take a different colored pen and chart your activities and commitments. Include when you go to and return from work, go to meetings, go out with friends etc. With another colored pen do the same for the other parent. You should then compare both parents’ plans to see if there is any common ground.

The children’s best interests

When parents decide custody and visitation they should develop a plan around the needs and best interests of their children and not their needs or schedules. In other words, they should adjust the plan to the children, not the children to the plan. Parents should be looking at their children’s need for love, emotional support and security. Parents should take into account their children’s age, personality and experiences. Children will generally be better off when both parents are involved and participating in their upbringing.

Next you should consider who has historically been responsible for different commitments with the children and which parent is practically able to fulfill them in the future. Questions you should consider are:

• Who do the children turn to when they have a problem or need to share their feelings?

• Who does homework with the children?

• What do the children do on the weekends?

• Do the children spend time with relatives and who takes them?

• Who takes the children to medical appointments or picks them up in when they are sick?

• Who provides the children’s physical care, such as bathing, changing diapers, arranging for sitters, haircuts, feeding?

• How do you and your spouse discipline the children and set structure for them?

• What kind of personal attention do each of you give to the children, such as teaching problem solving, reading, playing together, sharing activities?

• Who is responsible for the children’s social activities, such as arranging birthdays, play dates, trick or treating, taking class trips, games, lessons, school plays etc?

Joint Custody

For older children one of the key issues is whether a joint custody is more appropriate than an arrangement where the non-custodial parent has alternate weekends and one or two overnights during the week. The answer will be different for each family. The parent’s relationship and their level of cooperation and also the children’s preferences can be as important as how much time the children physically spend with each parent.

The Legal Aspects of a Plan

Any parenting plan will have to make provision for who gets “legal” custody and who gets “physical” custody of the children. These are the terms that are used in agreements.

“Legal” custody means which parent gets to make important decisions about the children’s education, religious upbringing, medical treatment and other legal decisions. If one parent gets to make these decisions they have “sole legal custody.” If both parents get to make those decisions together, they
have “joint legal custody.” It is rare for one parent to be granted sole legal custody unless there are issues of domestic violence and substance abuse or there is a history of the parents being unable to communicate. In deciding on issues relating to legal custody, form “Joint Legal Custody Attachment” FL-341 (E) which has been approved by the Judicial Council of California is helpful. It can be found at www.courtinfo.ca.gov/forms/.

“Physical” custody means who the children live with on a daily basis. A parent has “sole” physical custody if the primary residence of the child is with that parent. The non-custodial parent then has visitation rights. The parents have “joint” physical custody if the children live with each parent for significant periods of time during the week.

A custody and visitation plan should be consistent and detailed. It should spell out who gets the children when and where in enough detail so that it is easy to understand and enforce. Important questions are who has the children in the week and on the weekends? Who transports the children for exchanges and to activities? Who gets the children on holidays and vacations? In California, the Judicial Counsel has developed forms to be used when requesting custody and visitation. The forms “Child Custody and Visitation Attachment FL-311 and “Children’s Holiday Schedule Attachment” can be found at www. Courtinfo.ca.gov/forms and are helpful in developing plans.

Sample physical custody plans

Some states have developed model parenting plans that take into account what is appropriate for children of different ages and stages of development. The Oregon Judicial Department has developed a “Basic Parenting Plan for Parents” that can be found at: http://www.ojd.state.or.us/osca/cpsd/courtimprovement/familylaw/parentingplan.htm.
The Supreme Court for the State of Arizona has also developed a model parenting plan that can be found at: www.supreme.state.az.us/dr/Text/ModelPTPlans.htm

The following samples are based on those parenting plans.

Birth to 12 months

Sample Language:

Commencing on _________, Parent A shall have physical custody of the minor child(ren) each week on Tuesday and Thursday from 4:30 p.m. to 7:30 pm. and Saturday from 10:00 a.m. to 6:00 p.m. Parent A shall be responsible for picking up and dropping of the minor child(ren) at the residence of Parent B. Parent B shall have physical custody of the minor child(ren) at all other times not designated as Parent A’s time.

Comments:

At this young age, infants form a primary attachment to one parent and long periods of absence from the primary attachment figure may be traumatic. Parents should minimize the infant’s basic sleep, feeding and waking cycles.

Pre-schooler 3 - 5 years

The parties alternate weekends and the non-custodial parent has one evening or overnight during the week.

Sample Language:

A. Commencing on ___________, Parent A shall have physical custody of the minor child(ren) alternate weekends from Friday, after the end of school/child care/camp (or at 5:30 p.m. if the child(ren) are not in school/child care/camp), when Parent A shall pick up the child(ren) from school/child care/camps, or at Parent B’s residence if the child(ren) are not in school/child care, until Monday, at the start of school/child care (or at 8:00 a.m. if the child(ren) are not in school/child care/camp), when Parent A shall drop the minor child(ren) off at school/child care/camp or at Parent B’s residence if the child(ren) are not in school/child care/camp.

B. Commencing on ____________, Parent A shall have physical custody of the minor child(ren) each week from Wednesday, after the end of school/child care camp (or at 5:30 p.m. if the child(ren) are not in school/child care/camp), when Parent A shall pick up the child(ren) from school/child care/camp, or at Parent B’s residence if the child(ren) are not in school/child care/camp, until Thursday, at the start of school/child care/camp(or at 8:00 a.m. if the child(ren) are not in school/child care/camp), when Parent A shall drop the minor child(ren) off at school/child care/camp or at Parent B’s residence if the child(ren) are not in school/child care/camp.

C. Parent B shall have physical custody of the minor child(ren) at all other times not designated as Parent A’s time.

* Instead of referring to alternate weekends, a plan can refer to 1st, 3rd and 5th weekends of the month. This generally avoids any confusion about which parents has custody on any given weekend.

Comments:

It may be suitable where Parent B has not been very involved in the day to day care of the child and has a busy work schedule. Three to five year olds may show increased anxiety moving between parent’s homes. This does not necessarily reflect on whether the other parent is not a good parent or does not want to be with the other parent. Depending on the maturity of the child and the practicality of the exchanges these times can be negotiated so that Parent A only has the child one or two evenings in the week and has shorter or longer weekends.

“2:2:3″ Joint Physical Custody for older children

The parties alternate weekends and each parent has the children two days in the week.

Sample Language:

A. Commencing on __________, Parent A shall have physical custody of the minor child(ren) each week from Monday, at the start of school/child care/camp (or at 8:00 a.m. if the child(ren) are not in school/child care/camp), when Parent B shall drop the minor child(ren) off at school/child care/camp, or at Parent A’s residence if the child(ren) are not in school/child care/camp, subject to paragraph C below, until Wednesday, at the start of school/child care/camp (or at 8:00 a.m. if the child(ren) are not in school/child care/camp), when Parent A shall drop the minor child(ren) off at school/child care/camp or at Parent B’s residence if the child(ren) are not in school/child care/camp.

B. Commencing on __________, Parent B shall have physical custody of the minor child(ren) each week from Wednesday, at the start of school/child care/camp (or at 8:00 a.m. if the child(ren) are not in school/child care/camp), when Parent A shall drop the child(ren) off at school/child care/camp or at Parent B’s residence if the child(ren) are not in school/child care/camp, until Friday, at the start of school/child care/camp (or at 8:00 a.m. if the children are not in school/child care/camp), when Parent B shall drop the child(ren) off at school/child care/camp or at Parent A’s residence if the child(ren) are not in school/child care/camp, subject to paragraph C below.

C. The parties shall alternate physical custody of the minor child(ren) during the weekends, from Friday, at the start the start of school (or at 8:00 a.m. if the children are not in school), until their return to school on Monday (or at 8:00 a.m. if the children are not in school) when the children shall be returned to their respective school or to the receiving parent’s residence, in the event the children are not in school.

Comments:

The child spends no longer than three days/nights away from either parent.

“2:2:5:5″ Joint Physical Custody For Older Children

The parties alternate two and five day periods with the children. Each parent has two consecutive midweek overnights each week and alternate the weekends.

Sample Language:

A. In Week 1, commencing ________, Parent A shall have physical custody of the minor child(ren) each week from Monday, at the start of school/child care/camp (or at 8:00 a.m. if the child(ren) are not in school/child care/camp), when Parent B shall drop the minor child(ren) off at school/child care/camp, or at Parent A’s residence if the child(ren) are not in school/child care/camp, until Wednesday, at the start of school/child care/camp (or at 8:00 a.m. if the child(ren) are not in school/child care/camp), when Parent A shall drop the minor child(ren) off at school/child care/camp or at Parent B’s residence if the child(ren) are not in school/child care/camp.

B. In Week 1 and 2, commencing ________, Parent A shall have physical custody of the minor child(ren) on Friday, after the end of school/child care/camp (or at 5:30 p.m. if the child(ren) are not in school/child care/camp), when Parent A shall pick up the child(ren) from school/child care/camps, or at Parent B’s residence if the child(ren) are not in school/child care, until the following Wednesday, at the start of school/child care (or at 8:00 a.m. if the child(ren) are not in school/child care/camp), when Parent A shall drop the minor child(ren) off at school/child care/camp or at Parent B’s residence if the child(ren) are not in school/child care/camp.

C. After the conclusion of Week 2, the two week rotation shall commence again with the physical custody schedule set forth above for Week 1.

D. Parent B shall have custody of the children at all times not designated as Parent A’s time.

Comments: The works better for well adjusted children who have a good attachment to both parents. It allows for joint physical custody but each child is only away from the non-custodial parent for five days.

Alternating Weeks - Joint Physical Custody

Sample Language:

Commencing __________, and on alternate weeks thereafter, Parent A shall have physical custody of the minor child(ren) from Monday at the start of school/child care/camp, or from 12:00 noon if the child(ren) are not in school/child care/camp, until Parent A returns the child(ren) to school the following Monday at the commencement of school, or 12:00 noon if the child(ren) is not in school/child care/camp, when Parent A shall return the child(ren) to Parent B’s residence. Parent B shall have custody of the child(ren) at all other times.

Comments:

The children may need to have mid-week contact with the non-custodial parent. This schedule can be altered to provide for a mid-week evening or overnight with the non-custodial parent.

Sample Legal Custody Plans

In deciding on issues relating to legal custody, form “Joint Legal Custody Attachment” FL-341 (E) which has been approved by the Judicial Council of California is helpful. It can be found at www.courtinfo.ca.gov/forms/ Where both parents are cooperative and are able to communicate the following joint legal custody language can be used.

Sample Language:

The parties shall have joint legal custody of the child(ren). In exercising joint legal custody, the parties shall make every reasonable effort to foster feelings of affection between themselves and the child(ren). The parties shall cooperate and consult with one another so as to reach mutual agreement on all issues affecting the health, education and welfare of the children, including but not limited to the following:

(1) Enrollment or termination in a particular private or public school/child care/summer camp;

(2) Beginning or ending the regular practice of religion;

(3) Commencement of psychiatric, psychological or other mental health counseling or therapy;

(4) Authorizing the children’s drivers’ licenses;

(5) Passport applications;

(6) Enrollment in regular extracurricular activities;

(7) Non-emergency medical or dental treatment, other than routine check-ups.

Links

www.lasuperiorcourt.org
www.courtinfo.ca.gov/forms/

http://www.ojd.state.or.us/osca/cpsd/courtimprovement/familylaw/parentingplan.htm
www.supreme.state.az.us/dr/Text/ModelPTPlans.htm
www.warrenrshiell,.om

© 2006 Warren R. Shiell. All rights reserved.

The information contained in this article is for informational purposes only and shall not constitute legal advice. Nothing in this Website shall be deemed to create an Attorney-Client relationship. An Attorney-Client relationship shall only be created when this office agrees to represent a Client and a Client signs a written retainer agreement.

Divorce is never easy. When you select an attorney to represent you, he or she understands that. Your attorney and legal staff will guide you through the process. This is a list of the information your attorney’s office will need in order to protect your interests and prepare the necessary forms.

- Your full legal names, including maiden name of the wife.

- Your current address, and previous addresses. Be prepared to at least furnish your most recent previous address.

- Telephone numbers, fax numbers, e-mail address in order to reach you.

- Current contact information for your spouse.

- Social security numbers, dates and places of birth for you and your spouse.

- Place of your employment, how long employed there, salary.

- Employment information for you and your spouse.

- Provide any military service information for either spouse.

- Date and place of your marriage.

- How many prior marriages for both you and your spouse.

- Regarding children born of current marriage, their names, ages, dates of birth, and where they presently reside.

- List any retirement plans, pensions, IRA accounts, CDs for either spouse.

- Personal health insurance information and note which spouse is carrying it.

- List all other life, mortgage and personal property insurance coverages.

- A list of marital assets, including real estate, bank accounts, personal property owned by both.

- A list of non-marital assets, including real estate, bank accounts, personal property (this is property owned individually by you or your spouse).

- A list of liabilities, or debts, for both spouses. This includes loans, mortgages, and credit card balances.

**Note: Regarding real estate, you will be asked to provide information regarding the deed. If you have a copy of your deed, take it with you to the consultation.

You will be asked other pertinent information, such as any agreements you and your spouse have already reached regarding marital property, who will have primary residential custody of any children and what the proposed visitation arrangement may be. If you fear some areas are not in agreement, be prepared to tell your attorney what they are and how you wish them to be handled.

The requested information is confidential, and your attorney and staff are working for you. Most attorneys will have a questionnaire form you will be asked to fill out, either prior to the initial meeting or when you arrive. The form will include the items I listed in this article. Make your own list of any questions you want to discuss with your attorney and take it with you - you are understandably stressed and there’s a lot to cover. Your own list will ensure you remember to ask any particularly important questions.

In the emerging field of collaborative law, there is an approach known as the Multi-Disciplinary Model. In essence, this model provides for a collaborative divorce team consisting of two lawyers, two divorce coaches, a child specialist and a financial advisor to assist the couple. Many people may scoff at this idea, especially since one of the goals of collaborative law is to reduce the amount of cost associated with divorce. But a closer look at the multi disciplinary approach helps explain why this team of six can be more cost effective than the traditional method of divorce.

The first thing to keep in mind is that divorce affects couples on many levels. There are financial, legal and emotional considerations and then there are issues involving children. In simple terms, a divorce is a multi task assignment. These tasks include not only reaching a legal division, but also the development of age-appropriate parenting plans, learning communication skills that will move spouses successfully along the road of co-parenting, moving away from the blame/shame cycle. The financial portion of a divorce can be complicated by uncertainty about the future, tax considerations, and different methods of structuring a financial settlement.

In the traditional model, lawyers are called upon to handle all of these tasks, which is impossible considering that lawyers are neither accountants, therapists or child specialists. As a result, the divorce becomes final but many issues often go unresolved. In a collaborative divorce, there are neither dueling lawyers nor dueling experts. The Collaborative Divorce model instead uses a collaborative team who provides containment for the couple as they go through the divorce transition. Within this model, clients are informed of their process choices, which includes the involvement of different professionals such as lawyers, mental health professionals who act as divorce coaches, mental health professionals who act as neutral child specialists, and neutral financial specialists.

Clients may choose to involve lawyers, coaches, a child specialist and a financial adviser from the beginning. It is more common for parties to build their team as they proceed through the process, depending upon their needs. For instance, spouses may choose to engage coaches only after hitting “speed bumps” in their work with lawyers.

The divorce team communicates in team meetings about the parties and the issues they are working through. Clients sign agreements with their lawyers, with any divorce coaches they retain, with the child specialist and financial specialist (if retained) that confirm no one will subpoena any professionals if the case goes out of the collaborative process. The contracts also allow the professionals to communicate freely amongst themselves to further understanding of the clients’ needs.

Clients often question the cost of this process. Cost is a huge factor for most couples as they divorce. In a traditional divorce, litigants’ often have little or no over legal bills once the litigation template becomes the engine of their divorce. Litigants are completely unable to control the time their lawyers spend waiting in court to be heard, the volume and length of correspondence exchanged between counsel, or the extensive Pretrial discovery, required by the Court, but often not particularly needed by the clients.

It makes not only good practical sense but also good fiscal sense to allow clients to retain professionals that will be used only as much as the client requires them, and whose specific skills are geared to the clients’ needs. On an hourly basis, therapists and counsellors are less expensive than lawyers, and more skilled in dealing with conflict. Even in high conflict families, both the inter-disciplinary groups and the Collaborative Divorce teams are finding that couples spend less on divorce coaches than litigants in the same community are spending on psychologists for custody and access assessments. The outcome for couples using divorce coaches is a de-escalation of the conflict, as opposed to custody and access assessments which provide the spouses with no new skills and are often more divisive for the family.

Divorce is undoubtedly one of the most emotionally and financially difficult events in a persons life. Most of us have heard horror stories about custody battles and protracted litigation, or, perhaps, have experienced this first-hand. As divorce has become, unfortunately, more prevalent, the legal system has struggled with ways to minimize the impact of divorce, especially where children are concerned. Most people realize that divorce has a long term effect on children. What some may not realize is the extent of the emotional impact of a protracted and contested divorce on even small children.

In a collaborative divorce, the parties seek to minimize the amount of pain experienced by children and parents by agreeing not to go to court and instead to participate in a series of negotiations to address all aspects of their divorce. The parties agree that all discussions and information provided remains confidential The parties are not permitted to use threats of litigation, custody or otherwise. The parties are permitted to withdraw from the process, but, if either chooses to do so, both lawyers are prohibited from representing the parties in any divorce proceedings. If the parties reach an agreement, their lawyers prepare the necessary papers to finalize the divorce.

Collaborative lawyers are specially trained to work with their clients in this process. The parties and their lawyers also decide whether additional support professionals should be included within the collaborative team. These individuals are also trained in collaborative practice and assist with questions concerning finances and children. In addition to a financial advisor and a therapist, parties can also include a child specialist in the process.

In many situations, the children will be heard in the process through the child specialist, but will not participate directly. Even in cases where there is a minimal level of conflict, it may be in the children’s best interest to be kept out of the collaborative meetings. Having children attend one such meeting, even in a neutral non-adversarial setting, can place the children in the uncomfortable position of having to choose sides. By having the children speak to a child specialist, parents can give their children a say in the process without placing them squarely within a situation that may be too emotionally difficult for them.

Clients often question the cost of this process. Cost is a huge factor for most couples as they divorce. In a traditional divorce, litigants’ often have little or no over legal bills once the litigation template becomes the engine of their divorce. Litigants are completely unable to control the time their lawyers spend waiting in court to be heard, the volume and length of correspondence exchanged between counsel, or the extensive Pretrial discovery, required by the Court, but often not particularly needed by the clients.

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Many words are associated with the divorce process. Despite what one may think, the most prevalent and most destructive of these is a simple four letter word: fear. Divorce places an enormous stress on all persons involved. More often than not, the stress stems from fear. On an emotional level, there is a fear of being alone, either as a single parent, a person reentering the workforce after many years or of losing the status of being married. From a financial standpoint, parties have a great deal of fear concerning their short and long term financial future.

The collaborative divorce process seeks to minimize fear as it is the greatest impediment towards settlement. In a collaborative divorce, the parties agree not to go to court and instead to freely and voluntarily disclose information and endeavor to reach an agreement. The parties agreement also provides that their lawyers, divorce coaches and child and financial specialists, if made part of the collaborative process, cannot participate in litigation if the collaborative process terminates. The process is confidential and all team members sign an agreement to that effect. However, where other professionals are involved, the agreement waives privilege to the extent that the professionals may exchange, amongst themselves, information gathered from their meetings with the parties to further understanding of the parties and their children’s needs.

The traditional Collaborative Divorce model separates the divorce process into two components. Divorce coaches and child specialists seek to quell client’s emotional fears by handling coparenting plans and addressing communication issues. Financial specialists and attorneys tackle the legal and financial aspects of the divorce, by dividing the parties assets and creating a financial plan which addresses both parties needs, both presently and in the future.

Although collaborative divorce has been successful in many instances, there has been negative feedback concerning the process. In a study performed by the Collaborative Family Law Group in San Diego, it was found that most of the complainants raised questions concerning the necessity of coaches and specialists, uncertainty about settlement issues and the amount of time it took for the process to conclude. The San Diego group found that most complaints arose in cases where the collaborative divorce team did not work closely together. As a result, the group restructured their collaborative model and now advocates for integrated meetings involving all team members. In the old approach, coaches and child specialists would not attend meetings. As a result, if issues concerning parenting arose, the clients were told to wait and address those issues with their coaches. This revised model allows clients to have all issues addressed in one meeting and gives clients the impression that settlement issues, generally more financial in nature, and emotional issues are equally important. When emotional issues are handled as they arise, client’s anxiety lessens, making them able to work more effectively towards settlement.

Collaborative practice groups across the country are still wrestling with the issue of whether to implement the interdisciplinary approach to collaborative law. As experience is beginning to show, the integrated approach can effectively achieve settlement by eliminating the stress and anxiety brought on by the fear factor.

Why trust and divorce can go hand in hand

The emerging field of collaborative law is viewed with equal parts hope and skepticism. On one hand, courts, lawyers and divorcing couples, especially those with children, have struggled to find a way to make divorce less bitter and less emotionally draining. In a collaborative divorce, the parties seek to minimize the amount of pain experienced by children and parents by agreeing not to go to court and instead to participate in a series of negotiations to address all aspects of their divorce. The parties agree that all discussions and information provided remains confidential The parties are not permitted to use threats of litigation, custody or otherwise.

Collaborative divorce seems like a good concept in theory but not in practice. When it comes to divorce, there is often a lack of trust between the parties and a great deal of anger. Most couples seeking to divorce have problems communicating with one another, which has often contributed to the decision to divorce. It seems hard to believe that two people who are unable to communicate will be able to do during this emotional and difficult period of their lives. When presented with this concept, many people respond that, if they could communicate, they wouldn’t be getting divorced in the first place.

At first glance, it seems unlikely that two people who can’t get along will be able to discuss their divorce in such a calm and reasonable manner. But a growing number of collaborative divorce practitioners, themselves disenchanted with the hostility-driven traditional divorce process, are finding success with collaborative law. In order to understand how collaborative divorce works, it is important to understand the concept of process trust.

There is a difference between trust between the parties and trust in the process. Collaborative divorce creates an environment of process trust by requiring full disclosure and enforcing the parties obligation to do so. A collaborative divorce lawyer must make full disclosure, and correct and mistaken assumptions on the part of the other party. And the lawyer must insist that his or her client do so as well. In traditional litigation, a lawyers role is to advance the position of their client without regard to the interests of the family. This type of “winner takes all” mentality may work well in a business context, but not in a divorce where the focus is supposed to be on the best interest of the children. In a collaborative divorce, lawyers work not as opposing counsel but, instead, as members of a team that is committed to achieving the best result for both parties and their children.

Collaborative divorce is not a fix all solution. Neither is protracted litigation over financial assets or a drawn out custody battle. The difference is that, with collaborative divorce, parties can create an environment that encourages them to move forward and which preserves financial resources and helps protect their children. Although trust between parties may have been lost, process trust can be created and can help the parties move forward.