Divorce
Divorce
I started thinking about divorce and its consequences when I began a brief autobiography.
My marriage was far from perfect, (good would be an overstatement), but nothing had prepared me for what followed. Although I had worked most of my married life (one of us had to), I had not taken into consideration the feelings that come when you are suddenly alone in this big bad world. So I am writing this for anyone recently divorced. I can only write from a female point of view because I have not experienced anything other than that.
The first thing is - who can I count on. Who will be there if I need something? Family and friends help, to a certain point. Since they do not have to spend each night alone after the children have gone to bed, they cannot fully understand the loneliness that descends on you. They quickly tire of hearing your problems and offer no solutions that make sense. ‘Don’t worry, you will get over it’ is the most common response.
Everyone you know tells you to start dating again, but how can you. It has been years since you dated. What will you talk about? The other person does not want to hear about your children, or your job and that is what your life now consists of. You start forcing yourself to go out and be with other people. Bars and social scenes are the most common places to go, but you don’t like being alone and wish you had someone else with you to talk to. So you start sinking into depression. You might start thinking about your ex and the possibility of getting back together. The excuse you give is for the sake of the children. Forget it. There was a reason for the divorce and nothing will change it. Remember the reasons.
Now that I described what happens, here are some solutions. The most important one is you have to start liking yourself again. Do not accept guilt, especially when you look into the eyes of your children. Do not substitute your children for the adult companionship you need. You are the parent, the adult, they are children. You do not become their ‘best friend’ and start living vicariously through them. Realize the world might owe you nothing, but is yours for the taking.
You can join a church group, join a bowling team. Parents Without Partners is located in almost every major city. There you will find women in the same situation that can definitely relate to you. Go change your hair style. Treat yourself to a massage. Check your local paper to see what events are going to be happening, and go to any that sound interesting to you. Take night classes and learn how to paint, or garden, or speak another language. It does not matter, because you are with adults and not only relearning how to socialize in the adult world, but also how to get your confidence back. You will then find people listen to you. They want your opinion. You are learning to be ‘me’ again, instead of part of the team of ‘we’.
People will only respect you if you respect yourself. Whether the divorce was your fault or not, it does not matter. Stop beating yourself up because of it. One door of your life has closed, therefore let another one open. Think of something you do well, and perhaps you can start a small business from it. Are you a good cook? Have home made take out meals for the working family. Are you good at craft? Take some of your items to the local flea market to sell. Find something you enjoy doing and turn your hobby into a financial benefit. Once you do, you will see how much better you feel about yourself and your future.
Women do not realize they have a backbone of titanium. Any woman that can go through the pain of childbirth can achieve anything she sets out to do, anything. Once you can walk with your head held high again, the outside world suddenly is not such a bad place after all, and you will start looking forward to the days ahead.
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