Most people realize that divorce has a long term effect on children. What some may not realize is the extent of the emotional impact of a protracted and contested divorce on even small children.

In a collaborative divorce, the parties seek to minimize the amount of pain experienced by children and parents by agreeing to participate in a series of negotiations to address all aspects of their divorce. Collaborative lawyers are specially trained to work with their clients in this process. The parties and their lawyers also decide whether additional support professionals should be included within the collaborative team. These individuals are also trained in collaborative practice and assist with questions concerning finances and children. In addition to a financial advisor and a therapist, parties can also include a child specialist in the process.

A child specialist works in much the same way as a guardian ad litem in that the specialist acts as a voice for the children in the divorce process. Unlike the guardian, the child specialist does not assess the parents and children and does not make custody recommendations. The child specialist is a member of the collaborative divorce team who acts as a neutral advocate for the children.

Like all members of the collaborative divorce team, the child specialist is trained in the principles of collaborative law. During the parties initial meeting, the parties and their collaborative team will discuss the role of the children in the collaborative divorce process. In many situations, the children will be heard in the process through the child specialist, but will not participate directly. Even in cases where there is a minimal level of conflict, it may be in the children’s best interest to be kept out of the collaborative meetings. Having children attend one such meeting, even in a neutral non-adversarial setting, can place the children in the uncomfortable position of having to choose sides. By having the children speak to a child specialist, parents can give their children a say in the process without placing them squarely within a situation that may be too emotionally difficult for them.

Don’t be surprised if you have not heard of a divorce coach, or if you view the idea with skepticism. Divorce coaching is a relatively new field which is still somewhat undefined. A look at the role of a divorce coach in the collaborative divorce helps explain the need for this additional resource as part of a collaborative divorce team.

In a traditional divorce, an attorney functions not only as a legal problem solver, but often as a therapist of sorts. Clients commonly face the emotional impact of their separation while trying to work on the legal aspect at the same time. Most attorneys are not trained to act as therapists and cannot provide the proper emotional support to their clients. As a result, the attorney and client spend hours discussing the emotional aspects of divorce and the client ends up paying a huge bill and receiving little more than a shoulder to cry on. In addition, many divorcing couples wind up in the traditional litigation route because they are reacting to fear, anger and a desire for retribution and are not thinking about what will happen once the divorce battle has ended. A divorce coach helps solve these problems by refocusing emotion-based thinking and helping the couple determine what is important for themselves and their children, both presently and in the future.

A divorce coach is a trained mental health professional who has been specially trained in collaborative law and who helps clients with decision making and goal setting. In a collaborative divorce, each party works with their own divorce coach to develop a plan of action. A divorce coach can help a person move beyond the high level of emotion which is often a stumbling block to resolving any divorce related issues and to focus on achieving certain goals, whether lessening the emotional harm to children or encouraging a spouse to seek financial advice in preparation for being single. The coach can also provide effective problem solving tools to reduce misunderstandings in communication and help create solutions to emotionally loaded legal issues.

It is important to note the difference between a divorce coach and a therapist. A therapist seeks to uncover the source of the problem, i.e., the childhood issue from whence the conflict originates. A divorce coach, on the other hand, focuses on the situation at hand and works on problem solving. Rather than seeking a reason why the divorce happened, a coach helps clients take action and develop a plan for dealing with the here and now issues. For instance, a couple who is unable to communicate without arguing can be taught how to diffuse tension by recognizing certain conversational triggers which have lead to arguments in the past. This is especially important in cases where there are children in common as the parties will have to co-parent even after the marriage is dissolved. A divorce coach also empowers parties to take action. A spouse who has been unemployed for a long period of time while raising children can be assisted with formulating a plan for obtaining the skills necessary to obtain an income of their own. A divorce coach will also hold the parties accountable for the goals they have set and will offer suggestions and additional resources for coping with the divorce.

In a collaborative divorce, the focus is on the impact on the family as a whole and not on either party as an individual. Divorce coaches can be an extremely useful resource in the collaborative process as a well trained divorce coach can help work past the emotional aspects of divorce and to create goals for the future.

It was about two years ago and I was sitting hearing a preacher say in scripture that I cannot re marry while my wife was still alive. Even if she was the one that left me, even though she was the one that had affair and even though I was the innocent party. I already knew this as the Holy Spirit had told me a year before but this sermon stopped me looking for a girlfriends and forever solved my doubt in what the Holy Spirit said. Since that time I have had three single women try and get me to turn my view around as they wanted to marry me. And so while this is both educational this is also written to those women who wish to contact me and try and win my hand in marriage.

Let us look at the first verse.

Romans 7:2-3 (New King James Version)
2 For the woman who has a husband is bound by the law to her husband as long as he lives. But if the husband dies, she is released from the law of her husband. 3 So then if, while her husband lives, she marries another man, she will be called an adulteress; but if her husband dies, she is free from that law, so that she is no adulteress, though she has married another man.

My wife has remarried another man and I am still alive. She got a no fault divorce from me that simply said that we had lived apart for one year and that we had problems that could not be reconciled. I am still her husband in the eyes of the Lord as the Lord said what He has put together let NO MAN put asunder.

When I am dead my former with is free of me but not before that time. At present she is an adulteress. Jesus calls us adulterers in James when we are loving the world rather then us. My wife is with another man and not with me and this is not right.

I bless her and am happy for her but I am not sure where she will end up when she dies as in this verse it says adulterers will not enter heaven.

Galatians 5:19-21 (New King James Version)
9 Now the works of the flesh are evident, which are: adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lewdness, 20 idolatry, sorcery, hatred, contentions, jealousies, outbursts of wrath, selfish ambitions, dissensions, heresies, 21 envy, murders] drunkenness, revelries, and the like; of which I tell you beforehand, just as I also told you in time past, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.

Whilever she lives with another man and her first husband is single and wanting prayerfully for her to return she is committing adultery. If she continues on this way I am not sure where she will end up. I know this might worry a few of you in second marriages but for you in the process of separation this may tempt you to reconcile with your partner. God can heal anything if both parties want to heal it.

Okay let us a look at another verse that Jesus said

Mark 10:11-12 (New King James Version)
11 So He said to them, “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her. 12 And if a woman divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery.”

It is pretty clear here and I can’t understand how people can not understand this verse. Simply pout no matter what the reason for the divorce a man cannot re-marry another lady. If he wants to divorce his wife he has to remain single for the rest of his life. If he is going to be burned up with lust he has to repent and get the grace not to masturbate. This is possible for men as I have to be frank here I have done it..

If a women has picked a child abuser for a husband or a drinker who beats her up she might leave him but she is to stay single for the rest of her life or else see her husband gets healing and go back to him. This is where the church is in great error. These ladies are to be treated as widows in the church and looked after but cannot re marry unless their husband dies.

This makes you think you should hire a killer to kill your spouse and repent and then re- marry but we all know that is a joke and not God’s way.

If you leave your wife and divorce you cannot re-marry
If you leave your husband and divorce you cannot re- marry

So the best thing is to forgive each other and get on with a healthy marriage which Jesus loves us to do.

Anything less is no only disobedience but making a mockery of God’s power.

Matthew 5:31-32 (New King James Version)

31 “Furthermore it has been said, ‘Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.’ 32 But I say to you that whoever divorces his wife for any reason except sexual immorality] causes her to commit adultery; and whoever marries a woman who is divorced commits adultery.

Any person that married a lady that has been divorced commits adultery. And the only reason for divorce is sexual immorality which not only includes adultery but if one of the partners is gay. Jesus is quite clear that a divorced woman is off limits.

Matthew 19:9 (New King James Version)

9 And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality,[a] and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery.
Anyone marrying a divorced woman commits adultery. These verse are kind of hinting that a husband can divorce a wife for adultery and re-marry but I don’t care personally the Mark 10:11-12 verse says different.

I
I am happy being single and without a women in my life I can spend more on my ministry and doing things the Lord wants me to do without having to look after a wife and a child. I still pay for my son each week but I am free of a wife which makes me very happy. Don’t get me wrong I love women and respect them and have quite a few good friends but like Jesus I would prefer my women friends to be like Mary Magdalene and not wives.

Luke 16:17-18 (New King James Version)

17 And it is easier for heaven and earth to pass away than for one tittle of the law to fail.
18 “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced from her husband commits adultery.
Once again a man that divorces his wife and marries another women commits adultery and any man that married a lady that has been divorced commits adultery.

So watch out men! Stay away from divorced women who want to marry you! And visa verse women who are single stay away from divorced men, go and get a man that has never been married

1 Corinthians 7:10-11 (New King James Version)

10 Now to the married I command, yet not I but the Lord: A wife is not to depart from her husband. 11 But even if she does depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. And a husband is not to divorce his wife.
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Now here is the solution to the whole thing. If the husband can’t be lived with as he is violent or abusing the children as women you can leave him but you are to stay married to him and no re marry. And a male is never allowed to agree to a divorce.

Now we have a wicked system these days that allow a wife to divorce a man without him agreeing and it allows her to re marry but I never singled one piece of paper with my wife for a divorce. Therefore I am still married to her under God’s view and my wife might find herself in hell one day.

So guys no matter how bad you wife has been you are NEVER to divorce them and you have to get your sex drive under control and live without another women for the term of your natural life.

And women you should not leave your husband but if need be you can but you should never have any other partner.

Now I don’t write this for fun and this is not malice, this is simply and article expressing the Biblical truth. It is not a Greek translation and I am not a scholar and it’s just my understanding of the scriptures. You can disagree and no obey what is taught in the Word here, but that is your choice as in the last day Jesus real meanings and words will judge all the living and the dead and I have done my duty.

Let me pray

Father

I pray that this person going through divorce might see that even if they do they have to remain single for the rest of their lives. I pray that this might bear fruit and one in a hundred readers might take my counsel. I pray that the lies of the enemy and pastors with false doctrine may be silenced some day. I ask that you give the reader the courage to read the supporting article I suggest at the bottom of this article. Jesus give these e people strength to obey your word in this trying time

In Jesus name I ask with thanksgiving.

Amen

Do you ever feel like your marriage and marital relation ship is completely out of control? Sometimes it seems as if things just keep on going downhill and you are powerless to stop it. Does it seem like the relationship between you and your spouse has been damaged beyond repair?

I don’t think it really matters what the issues are. If someone is unhappy in a relationship, no matter what the reasons, it will harm the relationship. Even if the reasons they are unhappy are completely unreasonable. Have you ever had a situation with a spouse in which you did a certain behavior, lets use going out with friends as an example. Your spouse did not join you. You always asked if it was alright if you went and your spouse never indicated it wasn’t. So you just kept doing it, oblivious to the fact that your spouse was completely unhappy and resentful of all the time you were spending away. Now, who’s problem is that? Is it the spouse who is always spending times with their friends? Or is it the spouse who never asks them not too? I think that you can agree that both bear responsibility for the problem..

But is a problem like this unsurmountable? It shouldn’t be. Effective communication and sacrifice on both ends should resolve this particular issue quite easily. Unfortunately, communication between two angry spouses is usually anything but effective. So what do you do if your spouse says that they have had it and want out?

You can stop a divorce from happening, even if you are the only one who wants too. You do have the power to turn the momentum around on a relationship and get it going in a positive direction. Your differences can be reconciled and your relationship improved. By learning what is involved in a successful marriage, you can create one with your spouse together and put all the talk of divorce behind you. Effective communication is one of the keys. Arguing with each other is a complete waste of time and will generally get you nowhere. Usually, arguments turn into discussions about issues not even relating to the one at hand. Old issues are often brought up, and nothing really gets resolved. You need to learn practical and helpful solutions to the problems that plague your marriage. Even if you are the only one interested in saving it, you can still make headway in stopping the divorce all on your own.

No one gets married thinking that it will end in divorce. There is always optimism and hope and the belief that love can conquer all whenever two people decide to marry.

Unfortunately, life is hard. No one is immune to the daily stress of living your life and trying to share that life with another person. You can be two of the most compatible people in the world and still want to scratch each others eyes out at time. Living with someone day after day after day can become tiresome. Always having to think of someone else before making decisions cam be difficult for everyone. Putting someone else needs above your own grows old very quickly.

So why do we do it? Because the benefits of two people who love each other and have a genuine desire to live their lives together make it worth all the everyday tedium. At least for most of us. I love the saying ” I’ve been married for 15 years and at least 2-3 of them, I didn’t even LIKE him”. To me, that says it all. Its not easy but the benefits are worth it. If you make a commitment to marry each other, you need to stick with it.

But what about when its REALLY hard? I don’t just mean arguing over who needs to take the garbage out. I mean constant bickering over everything. I mean going out with friends to avoid your spouse. Volunteering to work late Because you can’t stand the thought of another night of disagreements with your spouse.

If you are on the brink of a divorce, you can still stop it. You do need motivation to save it. It doesn’t necessarily have to be both sides being motivated, but obviously your chances are better if both sides want to save the marriage. You can change the momentum of your relationship and turn it positive. You need to learn that arguing is a waste of time and learn practical and helpful solutions to your problems. If inequality or power is an issue in your relationship, there are ways to resolve it.

If you want or need to save your marriage, there is hope. It won’t be easy but you can find solutions to almost any problem that will allow you to work out your differences and stay married.

The popular saying goes like this: “Breaking up is hard to do.” Yet, when it comes to marriage in the U.S., a large percentage of us do it. Divorce, however unpleasant, is commonplace in today’s society, and dealing with it during the holidays is a fact of life with which adults and children alike must deal.

A divorce - especially a fresh one - can be particularly trying during the holidays. The Yuletide season is one of giving and family, and the dissonance of a divorce can greatly threaten the joy of the season. The challenge to adults is to keep Christmas spirits high for the children. Just because a relationship has been ruined doesn’t mean a child’s Christmas has to be ruined as well. Here are some tips for making sure that doesn’t happen this holiday season.

Put Your Kids First - Christmas is a selfless season. It’s a time when we focus on charity. Keep it that way. Think not of yourself or how to “one-up” your ex-spouse. Instead, focus on the needs of your kids. Ask yourself what you can do to ensure the holidays are happy and productive for them. Then do it.

Buy Your Ex a Gift - As much as kids love getting gifts, they also want to be part of the giving. They revel in the opportunity to give both mommy and daddy a gift or two, and it’s up to you to help make that possible. Your little one has no money and no transportation, so the only way they’re getting your spouse a gift is if you suck it up and take them Christmas shopping. Don’t be the parent that’s too proud to buy your ex a gift. It’s the child you’ll end up hurting anyway.

Don’t Hog the Kids - There may be a custodial agreement in place where the kids spend Christmas with mommy one year and then with daddy the next. Everyone loses when that happens. Unless mommy and daddy live too far apart, there is no reason the kids can’t see both. Perhaps they spend the majority of Christmas Eve at one place, then move to the other to spend the night and wake up on Christmas morning. Next year reverse roles so that both parents have the opportunity to watch the little ones wake up on Christmas morning and see what Santa left them. See what you can work out with your spouse. Remember, do what’s in the best interest of the child.

Don’t Take the Phone Off the Hook - When it isn’t possible for one parent to see the children on Christmas for whatever reason, don’t shut them out completely. Let the kids call them to say “Merry Christmas.”

Old Habits Die Hard - Since Christmas is about family traditions, a divorce naturally fractures those traditions. That’s especially hard on the kids. When it’s possible to maintain an old tradition, such as helping mommy make cookies or helping daddy select a tree, do so. When it’s not, start new traditions with your kids. They need them.

Don’t Bad-Mouth Your Ex - If you need to complain about your ex, do so to your adult friends - and don’t do it in the presence of your children. No matter how you feel about your ex, your children still love them and look up to them. Don’t hurt your kids by badmouthing their mommy or daddy.

When you are standing at the altar saying “I do” with 300 of your friends and family around you, the very last thing on your mind is the possibility of a divorce in your future. Damn the statistics, it cannot happen to me, you think.

Think again. Recent studies have shown that the divorce rate is almost at the 50% mark for couple being married in the past 5 years. What is the cause of that? Are people being too reckless with their commitments? Do people really think that the love they feel will see them through anything?

The biggest problem leading to divorce is a lack of communication between the partners. It really is a partnership, where each needs to know what the other is doing and thinking on a regular basis, as in daily. You need to make sure that you are both marching to the same drummer with the same goals in sight, both short term goals as well as long term goals, and without that communication, divorce is almost inevitable.

Is this a difficult thing? It should not be, but in today’s world where most households have both spouses working, it can prove to be difficult. When both spouses arrive at home after a long hard day at work, both are tired, perhaps irritable, neither feels like fixing dinner, and communication can often be the last thing on either one’s mind. Yet if that communications does not happen, it is inevitably that the two of you will take different paths, start creating separate goals, and pretty soon you find that divorce is the only viable answer, since your paths have parted so widely that there is little chance your paths will ever rejoin.

Divorce can be a comparatively simple procedure or it can be long and drawn out. It is in your best interests to get a good divorce lawyer. Really? Yes really. If the communications between you and your spouse have broken down to put you on separate paths, you cannot be sure of what your spouse will require or demand in the divorce process. Make sure you do not get hosed in that process, and without a good divorce attorney, that can easily happen before you are even aware of it.

Things can get messy if children are involved or there is a fair amount of capital holdings that were acquired since the wedding day. But even these items can be negotiated and worked out with good divorce attorneys, plus the desire to “just get it over with peacefully” on the part of both spouses.

If divorce is really the best or only option available to you, plan it with the same attention to detail that you used when you planned your wedding. Preparation and a thorough knowledge of what is involved and what can be negotiated is paramount in making sure that you don’t walk away with absolutely nothing. Almost anything is negotiable as far as “who gets what”, but be very clear on what are your rights, what are the rights of your spouse, and how to effectively manage the division of assets, including cash, stocks, and bonds.

It’s not uncommon these days for people to divorce and remarry several times. I’ve personally counseled men and women who have gone though 8 and 9 divorces by the age of 40. Every time, the man or woman complains that each spouse turned out to be just like the last one. They can never understand how they keep marrying for the same nagging, controlling, selfish, angry “piece of garbage” that they just divorced. The following letter I recently received is a good example of this seemingly never-ending cycle:

“I divorced my first wife a year ago and married another woman several months ago. When we were dating, I thought my new wife was really different, but she’s already nagging me, telling me what to do, and complaining about what I don’t do for herjust like the first wife did. Why do women turn out to be so different than you thought? Are they just pretending when you’re dating? I’m thinking about getting divorced again, but maybe I should wait. What do you think?”

What we all want most is Real Lovewhat I call ‘unconditional love’but when we can’t get thatwhich is almost all the timewe settle for whatever makes us feel good temporarily: sex, money, entertainment, and the temporary approval of other people. Without Real Love, all those forms of Imitation Love seem like they make us happy, but the feeling never lasts.

That’s what’s happened with you and both your wives. Having little or no experience with Real Love, you were satisfied in the beginning with the physical beauty, conditional approval, sex, and whatever else you got from both women. And they were satisfied with the Imitation Love you gave them. But the effect of Imitation Love always wears off, and when that happened, you and your wives became dissatisfied. They began to complain that you weren’t making them “happy” as you once did. They didn’t realizeand you didn’t eitherthat your relationship was based on the exchange of Imitation Love instead of on Real Love. Such a relationship can never be genuinely happy. Your relationships were pretty much doomed from the moment you met these women. None of this was intentional on their part or yoursyou simply couldn’t give each other Real Love you’d never received.

You’re wondering why things were great in the beginning but then changed so much. Do women pretend to be something other than what they are? Yes, they do pretend, and so do men. We “put our best food forward” with people, not realizing that we’re actually deceiving them in an effort to get them to like us. You and your second wife, for example, each put your best foot forward, and after you got married, you both discovered that there was “another foot” and a whole lot more you didn’t count on. She was “happy” with you in the beginning because she liked your best footbecause she liked the Imitation Love you offeredbut when the initial excitement wore off, she became unhappy and wondered why you didn’t keep making her happy as you once did. She started nagging and making demands, hoping that if you gave her more Imitation Love she’d be happy. But of course that never works, because it was Real Love she needed.

The bottom line is this: You and your wives have tried to make each other happy without Real Love. That’s impossible. You tried harder. Same result. So what’s the solution? At this point the answer is certainly not to divorce your second wife. You’d be right back where you startedyou wouldn’t feel unconditionally loved, and you’d be certain to repeat this same pattern in your next relationship. What you need is to learn how to find Real Lovefrom your wife and othersand how to share it. You can read more about finding Real Love at http://www.RealLove.com.

With Real Love, you can’t imagine how different your relationships can be. You’ll discoverno surprisethat it’s always about Real Love.

Tip 1 Don’t try and get over your partner in the arms of another person.

When my wife left me I was fortunate to be going to a church and took the time to see the pastor about the separation. My pastor told me that I should not enter into any relationship for at least two years. He told me that this was for a number of reasons.

i. It was best for my wife that I spend a number of years single so as to give her an opportunity to come back to me. Out of respect he advised that even though she was already in a new relationship that it always took one partner to stay single to give an opportunity for the estranged partner to return. He told me to pray for her to come back and wait at least two years for her to come back.

ii. It was best for me to have a couple of years being single not only to get a handle on my emotions but to give me time to heal. He said it was essential for me to deal with the issues that were wrong in my marriage and to draw closer to God before I entered into another relationship.

iii. It was best for any future partner that I had dealt with my inner demons before I started to go out with them. So many marriages are formed from desperation and loneliness in both the people that join rather than happy single people joining. The pastor told me that my future partner deserved a healed and whole partner and that could only be achieved if I took the time to work on myself. He pointed out that if I rushed into another relationship that it was not love for my future partner but selfishness and a lacking in me that had propelled it.

I took my pastor’s advice and during the next few years grew a lot closer to Jesus Christ in a lot of study and personal experience with Him. Now it’s fourteen years later and I have only had one other significant relationship in that time and am very close to God. I have now decided to remain single so I can serve God more fully in the future as a single man. I am very happy in my decision and in a very good state emotionally in that area of my life.

Tip 2 Try and remember the good times in your marriage rather then the bad.

You can cut yourself to pieces running over and over the bad things in your marriage in your mind. Thinking constantly on these things will destroy you and pull you into a bad depression that will take, in many cases, medication to get out of.

You had some good times in your marriage. You went to some romantic places and had some wonderful times together in each others arms. There were restaurants and memorable embraces and kisses and times between the sheets. It is not dirty to think on these good things and it is not wrong to remember these things.

You will smell aftershaves on other men that remind you of your former partner if you are a woman. Don’t dismiss the memory of the man you loved when this happens in the future, take the time to think about the good times when this makes you think about your partner.

You will hear a song on the radio that reminds you of your partner. Don’t turn the radio off, listen to the song and let the tears flow if they must. Your partner will always be a part of you. Don’t think a court decision and a piece of paper that signifies your divorce will stop the songs from playing and the memories from catching you off guard.

Let me tell you the memories will come for years and years. It is better that you switch from thinking about the bad times in these instances and think about the positive things. This will help you to know and will help you through the years to come.

Tip 3 Try not to speak badly too often about your former partner.

Speaking bad about your former partner does not often hurt him. Often the only person it is hurting is you as you dredge it up again. There is a time where we have to get things off our chest, then there is a time where we have to put the hurts away once and for all and talk about the future and the possibilities of new love and romances.

Sure, your partner hurt you. My partner put me in a psychiatric ward with a nervous breakdown after two weeks without sleep. This was done with many phone calls and some very clever witchcraft. This was a very sad thing and now I suffer from both Bipolar and Schizophrenia which both give me a lot of grief, yet my wife was only doing what she felt she needed to do and I have forgiven her for this.

Many of you have been hurt more then me. It is so hard not to speak badly and confess the things that your partner did to you, but you need to learn to speak of the good things he or she did too, and you need to learn the lessons that these bad things taught you or else you will find the same thing happening with future partners.

Remember you married a person that you once loved. You shared some good times together. Your partner might not be as strong as you and the last thing that they need is for the whole world to know how bad that they are. You knew them first hand and you know a lot of their faults that no one else gets to see in day to day life. Try and keep that close to your chest as best you can.

My wife had a spirit that she used to take me down. Some people might call it a spirit guide. In the process of what she did to me I learned quite a lot about this spirit called the Jezabel spirit. Armed with this knowledge my wife had done me a great favour when I encountered other females in my future with this same spirit helping them to try and destroy me and render me ineffective in ministry. I look back fondly at my wife’s assault on me now and appreciate her for the wisdom she gave me about the ways and practices of the Jezabel spirit.

You see people, I can speak of a very traumatic experience in my life that resulted in me having two mental illnesses and put a positive spin on it and make this wife of my youth look like a hero.

We all like a movie with a positive ending. Try and think of the bad things that happened to you and learn the lessons that you need to learn from them. Then as you figure out the lesson you learned, learn then to speak about how your former partner did you a favour in teaching you that. Make your bad ending of your marriage a positive ending, so much so that in the future you can speak fondly of your former partner and the lessons his bad behavior taught you.

Tip 4 Learn to forgive by walking in your partner’s shoes.

Forgiveness in a very touchy issue. People might simply stop reading now that I have brought it up. But bear with me.

A month after I was separated I was talking with my wife’s best friend and the friend was trying to convince me that I did not want my wife back. She was having a hard time convincing me so she told me some truth that I didn’t know. She told me that on five occasions that she knew of, my wife had slept with other men while I was with her. I was shocked and asked questions and she went into a lot of detail about each of the encounters. She told me all of this because she loved me and respected me and honestly wanted me to move on with my life and not to try and pursue my wife, her best friend anymore.

I got off the phone and wept. How could my wife do that?

Out of respect for my wife’s best friend who had told me, I never brought the subject up with my wife to betray her confidence in me, but I was hurt deeply inside as I knew some of the times my wife played around she had came home and made love to me also. The thought of that disgusted me and I felt like I had been really disrespected.

The only way I was able to forgive that was to come into knowledge of how my wife was feeling when she was doing it. It was obvious to me that I was simply not good enough for my wife. Somehow my wife needed constant affirmation that she was beautiful and attractive and worthy of love. She found this in the arms of other men who were only too happy to take her to bed. And who could blame these guys? My wife had rich olive skin, dark brown eyes and a nice body that most men would find attractive. She was a fun sort of girl and enjoyed herself in bed, a fine kisser and very seductive when she wanted to be.

I was heartbroken but how could I blame the guys? Most of them weren’t even told that she was married and simply thought they were scoring a night with a twenty year old girl who was keen to be with them.

And how could I blame Sharryn, my wife? If I was not enough for her, if I didn’t make her feel fulfilled as a women, a wife and a mother, how could I blame her for going other places to find excitement? And that’s the sad truth about many affairs that I had to come to grips with and perhaps you might have to come to grips with. Sometimes we simply are not good enough to keep our partners in only our bed.

Of course it wasn’t all my fault. I was doing my best as a husband but I simply was not living up to what she had married. Sharryn had a problem and it is that problem that I focused on in order to find the place in my heart so that I could forgive her. I had to see it in her shoes. I found out about her in books about sexual abuse victims of which my wife was one.

So take the time to try and understand why your partner did that bad things in your marriage. You need to understand why they did what they did so that you can forgive them. And you need to forgive them or else you will walk around really bitter and this will hurt you for many years to come.

Even whilst in agony on the cross, Jesus said, “Father forgive them for they know not what they are doing.”

What a man hey?

Jesus was totally innocent. He was a man of love. And just like us he was hurt, beaten and mistreated. And yet in the midst of his agony and just before he died he asked God to forgive all the people who had put him on the cross and all the people that were laughing at him at the foot of the cross.

He forgave you for all your wrong doings on that day. That is the essence of the Christian faith and you can write to me for more information about that if you like.

So if Jesus forgave you on that cross, can’t you forgive your former partner?

Take the time and get to the bottom of why your partner did what they did. This will not only help you in your life in the future, but it will also help you become a better partner in the future.

Tip 5 Don’t fight with your partner though the divorce.

People die and everyone goes to a funeral and they say all these good things about the person and there are many tears that abound. There are many regrets when some people die suddenly as many loved ones didn’t get the chance to say things to the departed that they wanted to say.

Yet a marriage dies and so many people fight like two dogs in an illegal dog fight. The friends take sides and the fight gets really ugly. A fortune is spent in law courts and people say such terrible things about their partners in official documents.

My wife lied 19 times in her affidavit for the custody of my child. Some of the things that she said about me were very hurtful and I did not like judges, lawyers and people reading that affidavit with all those lies about me.

Yet this is the case many times in divorce courts. Many hurtful things are said on paper and are on record before strangers. It’s disgusting and even more disgusting if the parties are supposed to be born again Christians.

God spoke quite clearly in the prophet Malachi when He said, “I hate divorce.”

A better way is not to fight. You can only have a fight when both people are fighting. If one person refuses to fight then the other person does not get as much satisfaction. I prepared and affidavit that addressed all of the 19 lies and showed how they were not true and then a judge in my taxi cab as a customer told me that my wife would be possibly put in prison if that affidavit was presented in court.

I was struggling whether I should clear my name from the lies of my wife in my affidavit or change it and just accept the lies going down on record in the court when I had another passenger jump in my taxi. He spent 45 minutes asking me about all my life and giving me a few scripture verses that answered each situation that I talked about. He had me in tears and by the time he left my taxi I was really happy and I had all the answers I needed, I was not going to fight.

A minute after he left my cab and went into the airport I followed him to thank him and I looked everywhere in that airport. And believe me I searched everywhere and he had disappeared. To this day I know he was an angel sent to me with a message. I have since spoken to Jesus and he has told my in my spirit that indeed it was angel.

And the angel’s message?

Don’t fight with your partner!

Tip 6 Always hold a special place in your heart for your former partner.

Your prayer life, your Christian life and even if you are not a Christian, your life will be a whole lot better if you continue to keep good thoughts about your former partner, and keep a special place in your heart for them.

My wife is my hero, she was my first love, she made me very happy and she gave me a wonderful son that I am very proud of. My Sharryn was a champion and gave me many happy days and nights. Losing her sent me into a path toward God that has just got better and better over the years.

She is always in my prayers and I always pray for her marriage. Though she got dirty and stopped me seeing my son seven years ago, I still know she had her marriage and my son’s interests in mind when she made the decision. If a person is hurting and has had a bad upbringing and been hurt by her step father and her mother you have to cut them a bit of slack. I address my reasons why I stopped seeing my son in another article.

It’s best, if you have children to keep a little love in your heart for your former partner. Love always makes things easier. So you can’t bear to live with your partner anymore, that’s fine, but love them from a distance. Feel sorry for them if you must, but keep the love for them burning in a special hidden place in your heart. Pray for them and treat them as nice as you can. Perhaps your love for them will be like after sales service.

We all love a company to treat us nice after we have already bought their product. That sort of company has us going back to them time and time again. The way you treat your former partner through the divorce and years to come can have a great effect on them and even give them the courage to change.

In closing, let me pray for you.

Father in heaven,

I pray that this article has made sense to the reader. I pray that they realize that I did not write this for profit or for me to make any money of me to benefit in any way. Father I pray that they might read this and re-read this and take on board my 6 tips and apply them to their life. Father I ask that you tend to their hearts and that you give them good opportunities to purge their pain and talk about their hurt in constructive ways over the coming years. I ask that you bring healing to their lives, bring good friendships and much love into their life. I pray you lead them to the right books, the right films and the right sermons or talks that they need to hear. Let them heal and let them laugh and have them be able to speak about the hurt in the future and bring encouragement to other people’s lives.

If they do not know you as their God, I pray that you might speak into their life more and more though people they know already and people they might know in the future. I pray that you take them by the hand and bring forth a good destiny for all people that read this prayer.

In Jesus name I ask.

Amen

God bless you guys. Please write to me at my email address below if you have any questions.

When a couple get married they intend it to be ‘happy ever after’. I don’t believe anyone goes into marriage intending to get divorced. However, I do think there are four major reasons why so many marriages end up in the divorce courts.

1. Selfishness: quite simply, any relationship is one of give and take. In a marriage if both partners want what is best for their partner over and above what they want for themselves then there won’t be bitter arguments and conflict. It’s when we insist on having our own way that problems arise.

2. Lack of Communication: when something is bothering you in your marriage then clamming up and shutting the other person out will cause that concern to fester and grow. Your imagination might run completely wild until you’ve worked yourself up into an angry accusing state - which will certainly lead to more arguments. If you talk about your concerns before they become massive, and if you can talk openly and honestly with each other, then most problems can be sorted out quite amicably.

3. Lack of shared values and goals: if you got married in the heat of romance and lust then you are unlikely to have really explored each other’s values and goals. Once the initial honeymoon period is over reality kicks in. And the differences can be quite fundamental, perhaps you want children and your spouse doesn’t, or vice versa. If you want different things from your marriage then you are likely to be disappointed and disappointing. It’s vital to discuss these sorts of issues before you decide to get married. Is this really the person you want to spend the rest of your life with? While a broken engagement hurts it is far better than the hurt, acrimony and unpleasantness that could be caused by a divorce several years down the track.

4. Divorce is seen as an ‘easy’ answer: some people would say that divorce is far too easy these days. While it might be true that one can get divorced easily, the emotional turmoil, feelings of failure and detrimental effects on the children, make divorce anything but ‘easy’.

Life will present challenges to every marriage at some time or another. This could be interfering in-laws, a sickly child or worse. However, if you have started out with shared values and goals; if you keep the communication channels open whatever happens; and if you unselfishly consider the other person first, then you will stay married and your marriage bond will have been strengthened by the challenges you have faced together.