There are many reasons for a divorce, and it may be the last choice made by many. In some cases, it can be a decision that is hard for both parties to agree on. They have tried all that they can but they cannot seem to make the marriage work. For this reason it is called a no fault divorce in the courtroom. For other divorces where one or both of the parties have done something to cause the need for divorce, it is referred to as a fault divorce.

A fault divorce may be granted when the proper grounds are there and at least one spouse asks that the divorce be granted on the grounds of fault. Not all states allow fault divorces. There are traditional reasons for fault divorces. Some of them include the following.

Cruelty to one of the spouses is another cause. This is when one spouse will inflict unnecessary emotional or physical pain on the other spouse. This is the most usual cause for divorce. Adultery is another. This is when one of the spouses has an affair on the other spouse. This is another very popular reason why people end up getting divorced with a fault decision.

Desertion can also be determined as a fault divorce. This is when one party leaves the other for a certain length of time. This usually means that one spouse moves out of the home and lives independently or with another person. They will leave the other spouse to live on their own and not want to be with that person anymore.

If a person is confined to prison for a certain number of years, this can mean grounds for divorce by the spouse that is free. They can determine that they want to end the marriage and start the necessary divorce proceedings. Another reason may be if one party has an inability to engage in sexual intercourse, as long as it was not disclosed before the marriage took place.

The reason to choose a fault divorce is because some people do not want to wait. They do not want to have a separation required by their state’s law for fault divorce. In some states, a spouse who proves the other person is at fault, this may end up getting them a greater share of the marital property or more alimony. This is why the fault divorce is so popular these days.

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If dividing your property is a problem, here are ten ways it can be done without a fight. The more things you can work out between you, the better your divorce will be. Just talk it over and agree to use a method you can both accept. This list was originally developed by Judge Robert K. Garth of Riverside, California as an aid to spouses having trouble reaching agreement about the division of their property.

1. Barter: Each party takes certain items of property in exchange for other items. For instance, the car and furniture in exchange for the truck and tools.
2. Choose items alternately: The spouses take turns selecting items from a list of all the marital property, without regard for the value of items selected.
3. One spouse divides, the other chooses: One spouse divides all the marital property into two parts and the other spouse gets the choice of parts.
4. One spouse values, the other chooses: One spouse places a value on each item of marital property and the other spouse gets the choice of items up to an agreed share of the total value.
5. Appraisal and alternate selection: A third person (such as an appraiser) agreed upon by the parties places a value on contested items of marital property and the parties choose alternately until one spouse has chosen items worth his or her share of the marital property.
Tip! Do remain flexible. One of the most common mistakes people make when they begin a divorce is to decide that they absolutely, positively must have A, B, and C, and nothing else will be sufficient.
6. Sale: Some or all of the marital property is sold and the proceeds divided.
7. Secret bids: The spouses place secret bids on each item of marital property and the one who bids highest for an item gets it. Where one receives items that exceed his or her share of the total value, there will be an equalization payment to the other spouse.
8. Private auction: The spouses openly bid against each other on each item of marital property. If one spouse gets more than their share, an equalization payment can be made.
Tip! Give yourself permission to grieve. Going through divorce is like grieving the death of your relationship, your dreams and your future together.
9. Arbitration: The spouses select an arbitrator who will decide the matter of valuation and division after hearing from both spouses and considering all evidence.
10. Mediation: The spouses select a mediator who works to help them reach an agreement on the matters of valuation and division.

2. Acknowledge the marriage is over and move on.

Join a divorce recovery support group and do your part in the work of healing from divorce. Time alone does not heal. Many churches sponsor divorce recovery groups. Call your church or join us at St. Luke’s UMC for Divorce recovery groups and Solo Flight (a single parent support group that meets the first Wednesday of each month.

3. Learn your part in the conflict and stop doing it.

Don’t fight in front of your children. Ask for help. Be responsible for managing your own anger. I see many people who are in the process of or recently divorced and hurt who ask for help dealing with their sadness and anger and pain.

4. Treat you ex at least as well as you would a business partner.

Recognize that your ex is now your lifetime business partner in the business of rearing emotionally healthy and well adjusted children.

5. Do not use your kids as weapons or pawns.

Do not put your kids in the middle. For instance, do not ask your children to carry messages or keep secrets or tell lies. Don’t fight in front of the children. The harm that you do your kids from you anger and bitterness can last a lifetime. Fighting between parents is the number one cause of adjustment and emotional problems in children.

6. Set clear boundaries.

What are you willing and not willing to do. Be clear with your ex. Also be particularly clear with your adult children who may be particularly vulnerable to being put in the middle of their parents fighting.

7. Children thrive best with two loving parents.

Consider custody arrangements that are flexible and in the best interest of your children. Although more difficult for parents some form of joint custody is often best for the children involved. For example - always offer your spouse an opportunity to “babysit” if you must be away from your children during your time.

8. Your child needs you!

The number one request I get from children of all ages is more quality time with each parent. Your child needs the freedom to call, email, spend time with and most of all love both parents. Create positive memories for your child be spending quality time with her each week.

9. Do you like yourself?

If you are happy with your own life you are less likely to focus on problems with your ex. If you are satisfied with the relationship you have with your children you will be less upset or jealous by the relationship your ex has with your children.

10. Seek peace instead of revenge.

Give up your right to get even. What does your faith say about forgiveness? Is this useful to you? Pray for your ex. Wish you ex well. Focus on his or her good qualities. Also share those qualities with your children
Copyright 2003

Note: If you feel that the conflict is becoming severe or in any way damaging to the children please seek help.

It is not easy to have a difficult marriage. And it becomes more difficult that you do not want to show the world that your marriage is not a healthy one. You try to avoid sharing this situation to your friends and family. All you want is people see your marriage as a great one. No fight, no conflict, everything is fine.

You, and hopefully your partner, still want this marriage to last. You just don’t know how to deal with it. Handling all the conflicts between the two of you is not something you master. You need somebody to help you both. To solve this catastrophe in your family.

You must get help. And let’s stop thinking about ‘divorce’. Not even saying it.

Get the secrets to help you solve your problem. Check them out below:

1. Get a Marriage Counseling

Getting a marriage counselor is often the best way to help the crisis in your marriage. It is even better if you get one as a part of your marriage maintenance plan. Marriages have a better opportunity to success when the couple goes to marriage counseling. A counselor can really make a difference in the worst situation. He or she helps you to understand your partner better because he or she has no biased opinion.

So, why not find one now? Go to local churches as many of them will offer this service for free. Or, find it online or in the local yellow pages.

2. The Reasons for Using a Marriage Counselor

A good marriage counselor can make a difference between getting separated, divorced or staying together, no matter how big your marriage problem is. Some of the things that you can work through with the help of a counselor are:

• Work on marriage maintenance from the start

• Help you admit defeat every now and then (though you’re right, it’s unwise to end a marriage over a disagreement)

• Make passion a top priority in your marriage

3. What You Can Expect from a Marriage Counselor

A marriage counselor will take you to a few sessions of therapy to work out problems in your relationship. This therapy often begins as the couple analyzes the good and bad aspects of the relationship, then help you learn to change how you and your partner interact with each other to solve the problems. Why? Because both of you have contributions to whatever that comes in the relationship.

4. How Much Will a Marriage Counselor Cost?

The average cost for marriage and family counseling is around $100 per session. Not to mention that you need to pay for the initial fee, which is about $40. However, if you are unable to pay for it, you can also find non-profit organizations for a free service. You can also ask your company if it offers free counseling for its employees and families. Go find a counselor. No matter how much it costs, as long as your marriage is saved, it’s worth it.

5. Counseling for the Entire Family

It is normal to have conflicts within the family. However, when normal conflicts turn into so much worse, it’s big chance that family members begin to hurt each other emotionally. Thus seeking counseling for everyone is a good idea. It will try to help them learn how to reduce the problems. Families can learn how to effectively deal with problems by getting a family counselor.

There are many law firms that limit their family law practice to collaborative divorce. Our firm does not. We offer a full range of services for divorcing people, including collaborative divorce, mediation and litigation advocacy, including trials in all court in Massachusetts. We are committed to helping each client determine what approach is the most likely one to get them through the divorce process with the best outcome. We consider “best outcome” to include minimizing conflict and acrimony and maintaining post divorce relationships, in addition to financial results, which clients will sometimes make the mistake of concentrating on to the exclusion of other considerations. It is our belief that “collaborative law” optimizes the chances for a “best outcome” but it is not indicated in every case.

What is collaborative divorce?

You should see the other article entitled “Getting Divorced? You Have Options” by this author for details, but essentially in Collaborative Divorce clients choose specially trained collaborative divorce lawyers who are committed to a negotiated settlement. Clients agree in advance not to go to court except for obtaining of the divorce judgment, in an uncontested proceeding. Negotiations are conducted primarily in meetings with clients and attorneys in the room. Full disclosure and transparency is the hallmark of this process. Gamesmanship, threats to “see you in court” and the like are absent from this process. In the event the case does not settle, the collaborative attorneys are required to withdraw from the case and the clients choose new litigation counsel. With this feature the attorneys have no incentive to foster litigation.

Sounds Great right? Why shouldn’t everyone choose Collaborative Divorce? The following are reasons NOT to choose collaborative law:

1. Domestic violence or child abuse. Any history of recent domestic violence makes it foolish and perhaps even dangerous to consider a process in which parties are required to sit in the same room.

2. History of Financial misconduct: In a contested divorce financial restraining orders preventing the transfer of assets can be obtained automatically upon commencement of the case. This can prevent marital assets from disappearing. If there is a meaningful concern about this kind of behavior, clients should go to court immediately.

3. Serious mental illness: If one party has major depression, substance abuse, or psychosis, Collaborative Law is unlikely to work, although there is little risk in trying. Often an experienced Collaborative Lawyer is the best resource a person with such a disability can have, although, there may be a need for court intervention if the party’s ability to participate in the process is seriously impaired. In that situation a court appointed “Guardian ad Litem” will be appointed to act on behalf of the impaired spouse, and in such situations, Collaborative Divorce may be difficult to pursue.

4. If one party is not committed to the Process. For Collaborative divorce to work, both parties have to be committed to attempting to work in this fashion. If one party refuses to be transparent about disclosing information, or is using the Collaborative Divorce process as a way to delay or avoid dealing with the hard issues, then the only way to move things along so the parties can finally be divorced, is to go to court.

Most litigated cases end up settling eventually and for that reason even if Collaborative Divorce, as formally practiced is inappropriate, it does not mean that your divorce will be World War III, however, it is important that clients not be afraid to obtain the protection of the court when indicated.

If you need sound legal advice to help you avoid costly mistakes when your marriage breaks up in the State of Georgia, then you may want to consult with Georgia divorce lawyers.

The process of divorce involves many legal technicalities that can affect your peace of mind and well being, as well as that of your children’ for years to come. This is why it is important to consult an attorney that specializes in family law. To protect your interest, do not take any action that can affect your legal rights prior to consulting a Georgia divorce lawyer.

You may begin your search for a divorce lawyer by seeking recommendations from family and friends, from the state bar and association, or from directories found on the Internet. You need to first set up an interview with the lawyer to determine if the two of you can work together. You probably need to interview some lawyers before you can find one who you are comfortable working with.

Do not be afraid to ask questions - your divorce lawyer is there to help you make important decisions, so he or she should be willing to discuss with you any of your concerns. Should your Georgia divorce lawyer have specific suggestions regarding your case, ask him or her how that action can affect your future. Get the most out of your consultation sessions - after all, you are paying for their expertise and experience.

It might help for you to know your lawyer’s experience in handling divorce cases, so ask for references. It is also important to know your lawyer’s availability, and how much you have to shell out for fees. Arrange for a written agreement on retainer fees. This will detail the exact scope of work your attorney will do for you, and how much (and how often) you will be billed for services.

You should also ask how long the divorce process will take, and ask that the steps involved be explained to you. Solicit your divorce lawyer’s views on settlement and litigation, too, so you can make very informed decisions.

Divorce is a life turning event in anyone’s life. By following the above guidelines, you will spare yourself from further headaches.

If you or your spouse are unable to agree on the terms of your divorce, everything will be decided by a judge in a final court trial. You have a right to request a jury trial. Most people are familiar with jury trials - where a jury of citizens from your community will decide the issues. But family law courts are overcrowded and overworked. While a jury trial is your right to request, asking for one will give the judge a negative impression of you before your case ever begins. In many states, including Florida, the “bench trial” is the trial of choice for a divorce case. A bench trial has no jury. The judge serves as the jury and also serves as the judge. The bench trial concentrates all the decision making power in one person, the judge. So in a typical divorce, the judge is the most important person in your life. So it is best to always “play to the judge” throughout your case.

The vast majority of judges are intelligent, compassionate, and concerned with doing the right thing. But judges are human and you must guide your behavior in, and out of court, by how you may appear to another person. From the start of your divorce to the final judgment (and possibly beyond) you must take “the high road.” This means you should act rational and with integrity. Don’t act up, or do anything the judge may use in a decision to punish you.

Always tell the truth and do what you promise to do. If your actions don’t match your words, a judge will pick up on that. Be the person everyone admires throughout your divorce and the judge will pick up on that as well. A judge will frequently give the benefit of the doubt to a person that appears to be rational and honest. Further, a judge that gives you the benefit of the doubt will go out of his or her way to do the right thing.

However, you must be aware that as human beings, judges can act unpredictably. You may get a certain ruling because the judge “woke up on the wrong side of the bed” that day and you looked like the bad-guy in court. Again, you will always come out best if you maintain a squeaky clean image. During your hearing, avoid appearances of instability. Even if you don’t speak during your trial, the judge is probably looking at and evaluating you.

Don’t:

• interrupt your attorney every 3 minutes

• glare at your spouse or the opposing attorney

• speak directly to the other party or attorney

• speak to the judge if you have an attorney - unless asked to

• furiously write notes in a compulsive-looking manner

• wear revealing or dirty clothing

The rules strictly prohibit any communication with the judge outside the presence of the other party. So do not attempt to speak to the judge in private. Letters to the judge are also prohibited. All communications with the judge must be conducted in the presence of the opposing party. And in practice, any communications must be done at a mutually arranged hearing in front of the judge. Finally, always be aware your actions and words are being measured and analyzed by a stranger. But in this case, the stranger is a judge and has power over your life and your divorce.

Divorce can be mentally taxing even without the additional legal hassles that follow. Divorces cases are heard in the Probate and Family courts in Massachusetts. There is a special court in every county in the state, and the case has to be filed only in the county where the petitioner is residing. While seeking a divorce or a separate support, f a complaint for Divorce or Complaint for Separate Support has to be filed with the court. This complaint is the application for divorce.

Massachusetts’s courts take a case if both parties lived together as husband and wife in Massachusetts, and if the cause of action for divorce occurred in Massachusetts. They also will consider taking the case if the cause of action occurred while one of the parties was in Massachusetts. Another condition is that the moving party lived in the state at least one year before the divorce action occurred. There are two categories of divorces: contested and non-contested.

The commonwealth of Massachusetts grants a divorce on three grounds: irretrievable breakdown of the marriage, cruel and abusive treatment and non-support. Utter desertion for at least one year, adultery, impotency, gross and confirmed habits of intoxication by liquor or drugs, prison sentence for five years or more are some other reasons.

A Massachusetts divorce lawyer makes the entire process easier for you. A good lawyer will first suggest steps to save the marriage- either counseling or other. The lawyer assists you in meeting requirements for your children, and will help you tackle hassles relating to support, personal property settlements or real estate. You should be well aware of your rights and responsibilities as given by the family and probate court. A lawyer will assist you right from preparing the divorce complaint to the settlement.

A Massachusetts divorce lawyer will help in obtaining temporary custody of (minor) children; obtaining a temporary restraining order that orders your spouse not to impose any restraint on the petitioner’s personal liberty; obtaining an order for the spouse to vacate the house; obtaining temporary support for both the petitioner as well as the minor children; getting a wage assignment on the spouse’s pay to ensure support payment; and help obtain visitation rights to the spouse to whom the custody of the children is not given. The lawyer can help build an effective case by bringing in witnesses whenever necessary.

When you are going thru a divorce, you are going to want to pay close attention to your credit. One thing that most men and women figure is that they are not going to have any problems with their credit once they have gone thru a divorce. There may be a few of the men and women out there that are not going to have any kind of problems.

One of the first things that you are going to want to do when you decide that you are going to go through a divorce is to try to obtain all of your credit cards in your own name with out your spouses name on them. That will help you establish your own credit history for future reference. Another good thing about having credit cards in your own name you are not going to have to worry about loosing them throughout the divorce proceedings. Plus it may be a way for you to have a little help in paying all the court cost that go alone with the process of a divorce.

One problem that you may run into is that if all of the assets are a joint account and your spouse is supposed to pay for them. However, your spouse is often times unable to pay for all of the accounts because of a difference in their pay or because they find that they have more bills to pay once, they are completed with the divorce. You may even notice that it is a lot harder to live on one income compared to when there was two incomes coming in the house.

You could notice that it is going to be harder for you to obtain credit once you are on your own. It could be something as small as obtain a credit card for any emergencies that may arise. If you are in need of receiving a credit card, and it seem like more and more credit card companies are turning you down because of your credit history or because of your income status. You may be able to explain to them why you have a lapse in your credit report because of the divorce that you have gone thru and let them know that you are looking to start to rebuild your credit history. There may be a few credit card companies out there that are going to be will to give you a chance on rebuilding your credit with a low credit line credit card.

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Marriage counseling or divorce? That is the question being asked thousands of times every day across America. With so many marriages ending in divorce, the question can be asked: How many of those marriages might have been saved? Now a new book, combining the insights of five experts in a single volume, offers a multifaceted resource for helping avert the emotional trauma of breaking up a once happy marriage.

Entitled The Marriage Medics, the manual, published online at www.marriagemedics.com and co-authored by clinical psychotherapist Cynthia Cooper, Ph.D., spells out key reasons why so many marriages crumble, and cites ways in which couples might save their marriage.

The quintet of experts are: Dr. Cooper, who counsels couples and families; Dan Smith, a financial executive who helps couples resolve money problems; Dr. Patti Britton, a nationally recognized clinical sexologist; John Hunt, a noted attorney specializing in family law; and Cmdr. Bobbitti May, a U.S. Navy chaplain who advises military personnel on marital issues.

The book pinpoints several root causes of trouble in a marriage, and lists approaches for healing them. The reasons include:

Unrealistic Expectations & Festering Resentments

The former, according to Dr. Cooper, can involve differences over gender roles, i.e., who does what regarding tasking activities and decision-making. “Couples may reduce conflicts,” she writes, “by taking an equal-opportunity approach, by determining who is most qualified to do each task.” Unspoken resentments can grow out of, among other things, what Cooper terms “The Three A’s”–addiction (be it to drugs, alcohol, or TV), affairs, and abuse. Cooper points out that such dysfunctions can be alleviated by various means including: identifying the problem, learning how to handle emotions, and clinical therapy.

Money

The book cites data that 43 percent of all married couples argue over money, making it the No. 1 reason husbands and wives fight. The alternative, says veteran banker Daniel Smith, is for couples to realize that managing finances in a household is like running a business. Spouses should stop living beyond their means, forget about “keeping up with the Joneses,” agree on a financial plan, go on a credit-card “diet”–and celebrate when they pay off a debt.

Sexual Issues

This sensitive subject, Dr. Patti Britton notes, often involves difficulties concerning frequency and quality of intimacy. She enumerates “five basic areas that need to be addressed, unblocked, and then aligned for a couple to enjoy a healthy, passionate sex life.” They are: 1) Mind, 2) Emotions, 3) Body (including body image issues), 4) Energy and 5) Spirit.

Two other topics addressed in the book are: the legal web of divorce, and the importance of spiritual healing. Attorney Hunt points out that many couples do not anticipate the legal maze the parting process can represent, plus the potentially devastating financial costs. Navy Chaplain Bobbitti May, taking an ecumenical approach, suggests that, “Spirituality takes us beyond . . . fixed views of how we relate to God [and] others. . . . it is the practice of how we do relationships–both horizontally with another human being and vertically with our Higher Power.”

The Marriage Medics comes highly recommended by reviewer Jennie S. Bev, managing editor of BookReviewClub.com who says the book “teaches couples what to expect realistically from their partners –and themselves– and how to act, also realistically when it comes to sustaining their marriages. It’s like having a knowledgeable friend who knows the ins and outs of the married life.”

Tami Brady of the Blether Book Review says “Though The Marriage Medic is meant mainly for those couples with marital difficulties, much of the information included in this book will be helpful to any couple. This is particularly true of the sections on communications, vision of the relationship, underlying resentments, and gender roles. These issues and hints relate directly to nearly any relationship and therefore will be of value to almost any reader.

The Marriage Medics can be purchased online at: www.themarriagemedics.com

Martha Winfrey, freelance writer is intersted in relationships, travel, career, organizing, money saving, home decorating, fitness and celebrity topics. Martha can be reached at: marthawinfrey@themarriagemedics.com