Why trust and divorce can go hand in hand

The emerging field of collaborative law is viewed with equal parts hope and skepticism. On one hand, courts, lawyers and divorcing couples, especially those with children, have struggled to find a way to make divorce less bitter and less emotionally draining. In a collaborative divorce, the parties seek to minimize the amount of pain experienced by children and parents by agreeing not to go to court and instead to participate in a series of negotiations to address all aspects of their divorce. The parties agree that all discussions and information provided remains confidential The parties are not permitted to use threats of litigation, custody or otherwise.

Collaborative divorce seems like a good concept in theory but not in practice. When it comes to divorce, there is often a lack of trust between the parties and a great deal of anger. Most couples seeking to divorce have problems communicating with one another, which has often contributed to the decision to divorce. It seems hard to believe that two people who are unable to communicate will be able to do during this emotional and difficult period of their lives. When presented with this concept, many people respond that, if they could communicate, they wouldn’t be getting divorced in the first place.

At first glance, it seems unlikely that two people who can’t get along will be able to discuss their divorce in such a calm and reasonable manner. But a growing number of collaborative divorce practitioners, themselves disenchanted with the hostility-driven traditional divorce process, are finding success with collaborative law. In order to understand how collaborative divorce works, it is important to understand the concept of process trust.

There is a difference between trust between the parties and trust in the process. Collaborative divorce creates an environment of process trust by requiring full disclosure and enforcing the parties obligation to do so. A collaborative divorce lawyer must make full disclosure, and correct and mistaken assumptions on the part of the other party. And the lawyer must insist that his or her client do so as well. In traditional litigation, a lawyers role is to advance the position of their client without regard to the interests of the family. This type of “winner takes all” mentality may work well in a business context, but not in a divorce where the focus is supposed to be on the best interest of the children. In a collaborative divorce, lawyers work not as opposing counsel but, instead, as members of a team that is committed to achieving the best result for both parties and their children.

Collaborative divorce is not a fix all solution. Neither is protracted litigation over financial assets or a drawn out custody battle. The difference is that, with collaborative divorce, parties can create an environment that encourages them to move forward and which preserves financial resources and helps protect their children. Although trust between parties may have been lost, process trust can be created and can help the parties move forward.

The popular saying goes like this: “Breaking up is hard to do.” Yet, when it comes to marriage in the U.S., a large percentage of us do it. Divorce, however unpleasant, is commonplace in today’s society, and dealing with it during the holidays is a fact of life with which adults and children alike must deal.

A divorce - especially a fresh one - can be particularly trying during the holidays. The Yuletide season is one of giving and family, and the dissonance of a divorce can greatly threaten the joy of the season. The challenge to adults is to keep Christmas spirits high for the children. Just because a relationship has been ruined doesn’t mean a child’s Christmas has to be ruined as well. Here are some tips for making sure that doesn’t happen this holiday season.

Put Your Kids First - Christmas is a selfless season. It’s a time when we focus on charity. Keep it that way. Think not of yourself or how to “one-up” your ex-spouse. Instead, focus on the needs of your kids. Ask yourself what you can do to ensure the holidays are happy and productive for them. Then do it.

Buy Your Ex a Gift - As much as kids love getting gifts, they also want to be part of the giving. They revel in the opportunity to give both mommy and daddy a gift or two, and it’s up to you to help make that possible. Your little one has no money and no transportation, so the only way they’re getting your spouse a gift is if you suck it up and take them Christmas shopping. Don’t be the parent that’s too proud to buy your ex a gift. It’s the child you’ll end up hurting anyway.

Don’t Hog the Kids - There may be a custodial agreement in place where the kids spend Christmas with mommy one year and then with daddy the next. Everyone loses when that happens. Unless mommy and daddy live too far apart, there is no reason the kids can’t see both. Perhaps they spend the majority of Christmas Eve at one place, then move to the other to spend the night and wake up on Christmas morning. Next year reverse roles so that both parents have the opportunity to watch the little ones wake up on Christmas morning and see what Santa left them. See what you can work out with your spouse. Remember, do what’s in the best interest of the child.

Don’t Take the Phone Off the Hook - When it isn’t possible for one parent to see the children on Christmas for whatever reason, don’t shut them out completely. Let the kids call them to say “Merry Christmas.”

Old Habits Die Hard - Since Christmas is about family traditions, a divorce naturally fractures those traditions. That’s especially hard on the kids. When it’s possible to maintain an old tradition, such as helping mommy make cookies or helping daddy select a tree, do so. When it’s not, start new traditions with your kids. They need them.

Don’t Bad-Mouth Your Ex - If you need to complain about your ex, do so to your adult friends - and don’t do it in the presence of your children. No matter how you feel about your ex, your children still love them and look up to them. Don’t hurt your kids by badmouthing their mommy or daddy.

The divorce papers have been signed, your lives have become separate and it is time to move on. The question is: how much time will the children spend with each parent? As much as you know that your children should have equal time with both parents, you have seen your ex’s behavior one too many times and know this is not good for the children. Or is it?

As long as both parents are offering a safe and loving environment, children will benefit most from having both of them involved in their lives. Even if each parent chooses to parent differently.

Although difficult to see when submerged in it, there are two sides to every story and your story is no different. That is why he has such a different story than she does. Remember that if the two of you were able to see eye to eye on life in general, you would still be together. Also keep in mind that simply because you don’t see things the same doesn’t mean one of you is more or less capable of raising your children.

In your heart, even when you know sharing custody is the best thing, your fury of emotions make it difficult to stay focused on what’s best.

Here are some things you can focus on:

1- Your children do need both of you as parents.

2- There are many ways to parent, but the most important part is offering your love.

3- Your children will have a new and different relationship with your ex-spouse.

4- It is not your job to control how he/she parents.

5- Parenting that is different from yours is not bad, just different.

6- Enabling your children to be with your ex-spouse will give you an emotional break you also need.

7- Giving up the desire to control the way your ex-spouse behaves will give you more time to focus on yourself.

8- An absent parent leads to a lifetime of dealing with a missing in ones’ life. One that you don’t want to be responsible for.

The last one on the list is critical. If what you truly want is the best for your children, do the right thing…for them. Even if it means compromising your own emotions and giving up the power to be right. Do it. Do whatever you have to do to have your children experience the love they have from mom and dad. They deserve it and you owe it to them. Allow them to have exactly what you have wanted all of your life…happiness.

Are you and your spouse getting a divorce and trying to save money in the process? Finding Free Online Divorce Forms and Divorce Papers is a good way to start. Traditional divorces with attorneys can get very expensive. Most couples today are doing it the lawyer-less way. Divorce is stressful enough without lawyers creating more problems and adding to the stress.

When searching the Internet for Free Divorce Forms and Papers Online, you will no doubt also find the forms needed for a legal separation. You might want to do the legal separation first to protect yourselves from any financial damage your spouse may cause your credit history during the divorce process. Also, when you are searching for the forms needed for a do it yourself divorce you will came across much information that will help you to understand the divorce process and requirements. This is your chance to familiarize yourself with the entire process. There are going to be procedures to follow in order to finalize your divorce that you will need to take note of.

When you have found the needed Divorce Forms Online, your next step may be so look for some Free Divorce Advice Online. You’ll want to make sure to do things in the order needed as well as to protect yourself during and after your divorce. During any divorce there are several factors to consider. Most often, Child Custody, Maintenance Payments, and Child Support are sticking points. These should always be discussed and agreed upon before moving on to the other issues. Remember to make sure the children’s best interests are of the up most importance! Once you have agreed on the terms of custody and support, you’ll be able to move on to the other issues. Don’t let yourself get into trading any of these other issues for anything having to do with your children! The children are a separate issue all together and should be agreed upon first. Once that’s taken care of, move on to issues like Division of Assets, Disputes about Property Division, Name Changes, Medical Support, Visitation for Grandparents and other family members, Vacation Times, and so on.

At this point you’ll no doubt find yourselves getting frustrated. Always take the time to work things out on your own. Remember if you can’t work it out with each other, the courts may end up deciding for you! Nobody wants to be told what is going to happen to their family! Remember, this is YOUR Divorce, not the courts, attorneys, or friends and family. Don’t be influenced by others during this time.

If you find that all of the Free Online Divorce Papers are hard to understand and fill out on your own, look online for Divorce Forums and find someone who has or is currently going through the process and ask them for help. You will find that these people are always happy to help you out.

Try your best to not get bitter with your spouse. This is a time of compromise for both of you. The more you can agree upon with each other the easier the process will go and the faster you will be able to get on with your lives.

For many years I have watched many dynamic beauitfully bright marriages turn cloudy. It wasn’t that the love was no longer there but the expressing of it to each other had changed. The dedication of time to each other had changed trememdously, and the ability to communicate freely with each other was weak. Many times people will struggle in a marriage and become so frustrated that they will do nothing more than take what they think is the easy route out of divorce. Well, what good would that truely do. All your doing is starting from the ground up and if you are spliting up a family this could effect your children in a negative way.

Instead people need to realize that marriage is a commitment of giving to each other. I had a friend that almost gave up on his family. He loved his wife so deep that he wanted her to be able to have whatever pleased her. She was so heavily materialistic that the only way she could find happiness while he was away at work was to shop. With this catch 22 cycle continously growing he would have to work more hours giving her more and more time to shop. Not only did she feel like she was being abandoned and left alone he felt like he was just being used and not appreciated. Their loss of time together had clouded their marriage and blinded them as to who they really were. After seeking a love relationship advice couselor a couple of times they realized what they had been doing to each other and started valuing each other more than anything else. Have you ever felt like this?

Ignorance is the most common trap you will face when getting divorced. To get through your divorce with the most peace of mind, while spending the least amount of money, you need to know all the facts and have all relevant documents in order.

• It’s tempting to ignore financial details, but if you don’t take the trouble to understand what’s going on in your financial life and what you’re entitled to, you might as well hang a big “victim” sign around your neck.
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• Ignorance makes you feel helpless and makes it easy for you to be manipulated into accepting a bad deal.
• The worst thing you can do is go to a lawyer without any information or preparation and ask for a divorce. You’ll waste a lot of time and money, and you won’t receive the respect given an informed client.

Bad Judgment is a real hazard when emotions are running high, as is normal in divorce. Insecurity can cripple you. Fear and anger can make you grasp for too much or surrender too much, leading to a settlement you may regret.

• Keep business and emotional issues separate.
• Don’t jump to sudden conclusions or make impulsive agreements.
• Don’t sign anything you haven’t thought about or don’t understand.

Excessive Spending is very common before, during and after a separation. It is used as an anesthetic for emotional pain. After separation you need money to set up two separate lifestyles, and can’t afford neurotic spending driven by emotional upset.

• Control impulsive and compulsive spending the same way you would control neurotic eating habits.
• Do all you can to keep yourself open, centered and strong.
• Deal with your emotional issues instead of reacting and running from them.

Hiding Money can happen when it becomes clear that a divorce is coming and one spouse starts salting money away in a private stash.

• This is OK if you do it without cheating–it can give you a sense of security, independence and control.
• Be on the lookout for cheating, where your spouse may be secretly diverting marital assets into a separate account. You may need an attorney to protect the marital estate and your interest in it.
• When a divorce is coming, watch where income goes and keep a close eye on account withdrawals. Take a close look at financial transactions during the previous year.

If you make the effort to avoid the common divorce traps of ignorance, bad judgment, excessive spending, and hiding money it will pay off handsomely in reduced conflict, stress and expense during your divorce.

People often think of divorce just as a legal procedure, but actually, the legal divorce is only a subcategory of the practical real divorce. The real divorce is what your life is about and how you go about it. And unless you decide to get counseling or go into therapy, the real divorce is free. It is, however, very costly in terms of personal effort, but you can reduce the cost by learning to avoid the common traps (see my article, “Divorce–Avoid These Common Traps”). Going through these major life changes–in other words, recreating your life–is demanding, painful, hard work, but it may be the most important and rewarding thing you can do.

As far as the law is concerned, divorce is about just three things: property, children and support. That’s it and that’s all. To get a legal divorce, you have to settle these issues:

• How to divide whatever property and debts have accumulated during the marriage
• If there will be spousal support; and if so, how much and for how long
• When minor children are involved, how parents will share the care and duties of raising the children, and how much child support will be paid
Tip! Be prepared: Get control of the facts of your own divorce; understand how the laws of your state apply to the facts; find out the probable outcomes under the law; clarify your goals. You can also prepare by trying to understand your respective emotions and past patterns.

If you can’t settle these issues between you, a third person–a judge or arbitrator–who doesn’t know you or your family, will take as little time as possible to make the decisions for you. Whether you do it yourself or an attorney does it for you, you still have to gather your own facts and make your own decisions as to what you want to do, so you might as well do most or all of it yourself.

In many states, especially California, the laws are so detailed that in most situations one can predict with reasonable certainty what a judge or arbitrator will decide, so there is little to be gained from going through costly litigation or arbitration. Any problem you have has almost certainly been legislated and litigated already. This makes it possible and attractive for couples to settle their issues through negotiation or mediation rather than arbitration or court. Family resources should be split between the partners to a marriage rather than the partners in a law firm.

Since I founded Nolo Press in 1971 with the first edition of How to Do Your Own Divorce, millions of people have successfully done their own divorces without retaining lawyers. Doing your own divorce does not mean you can’t get help, but there is a big difference in the kinds of help that are available.

Friends, relatives and “common knowledge” are the worst and most expensive sources of legal advice. Use friends for moral support, but when they give you advice, just say, “thank you,” but do not take it seriously without checking with a reliable source. If you didn’t get it from a current Nolo book or a family law specialist attorney, don’t trust it! Just because you like or trust someone doesn’t make them right. Bad advice can cost you dearlyperhaps for the rest of your life.

Lawyers who specialize in divorce know a lot, but because of the way the system works and the way lawyers work, they will almost certainly cause you unnecessary conflict and expense. Do not retain an attorney unless there’s no other choice. Getting information and advice from attorneys is tricky, too, because they don’t want to help you help yourself; they want to take your case and represent you.

Attorneys will frequently do the first interview for a fairly small fee, but too often they spend that time convincing you that you need them to handle your case. Hourly rates can run over $400, but $190 - $250 per hour is average. Most attorneys require a retainer, about $5,000 is typical, but the amount doesn’t matter because the final bill will almost certainly be much higher. Few attorneys will give a fixed figure for the whole job. You are doing very well if you end up spending less than $2,500 per spouse on the simplest case; the average in Los Angeles and Orange counties in California when both spouses are represented is over $18,000 per spouse!

HELP FOR CALIFORNIANS

Legal Document Assistants (LDAs) used to call themselves “paralegals” but that was changed by California law in 2000. LDAs act, basically, as a typing service for people doing their own divorces. You can tell them exactly what you want and they type up the forms and handle the secretarial work. I introduced this innovative service in 1972 and LDAs have since changed the face of the legal map. Their rates are generally $300 to $800 for doing your basic paperwork.

It’s very important to understand the limitations of LDAs. Some are trained, but no training is requiredanyone can do it. You can’t get reliable legal advice from LDAs. There are many good ones out there, but be careful who you hire. Ask how long they’ve been in business and be sure to check references. If you know exactly what you want and have no legal questions, no problems, and no marital settlement agreement beyond the one in How to Do Your Own Divorce in California, then using an experienced and reliable LDA is a very good way to get your paperwork done.

Divorce Helpline was created to change the way attorneys practice in divorce cases, to provide expert support for people who are doing their own divorces. Divorce Helpline attorneys work exclusively on solving problems and settling divorces. We will not litigate or represent peoplewe don’t believe in it. Instead, we serve as your guide and assistant. Divorce Helpline attorneys are trained in mediation and communication, and are good at solving problems in a practical way. We have to be, because unlike other attorneys, we earn less if you can’t settle your case. If you can’t settle, we refer you to a litigating attorney in your area and give a refund for any work not completed due to your unresolved conflict.

Divorce Helpline can do a much better job for you when we do the whole casethe paperwork and the marital settlement agreementas well as giving you advice. That way we have all the information, not just the small bit you are asking about. When we do the whole case, we often find issues, problems to solve and ways to save money that people didn’t know to ask about. If you are using mediation and arbitration, Divorce Helpline does that too. Divorce Helpline attorneys charge $1,995 for a complete divorce package, which includes an attorney-drafted marital settlement agreement. If you use a lot of counseling and other services, it is possible to run up a bill as high as $2,500your total cost for both spouses, but the higher cost is not typical.

“Autumn Has Seasoned Me Well”

Content to be understood in a casual way and yet…

He was a most attentive healer.

Every space and corner he defined in me.

I so tastefully wore a crown.

No one around.

Stayed and stayed…

he remembered he had not seen me in full bloom.

All things considered I should have waited to hear the rest,

but patients gathered in the hallways,

wounds too deep to mind.

Who can contend with such a lover?

At least I know that I don’t heal well.

There were reprieves I had not considered,

but Autumn…

Autumn has seasoned me well.

————————————-

“Now”

I seem to have new pathways to assemble.

The steam reaches out and irons out the discontentment of time.

I step past memories and longings and reach out.

Life is unclear

impossible to be real.

Days go by and I find myself in a new reality,

a reality of happy.

You lend me the fragrance of freedom,

the air of pause,

in the water and substance there is a tranquility I have never known.

My soldier of old,

my lament,

I am always so afraid they’ll take you from me.

I dare not completely touch today

or sleep and find you gone,

and learn you have never been with me at all.

So I smile on the pathway

maneuver my restraint.

I cannot live in the shadow of regret

and not see what is right there in front of me.

This spirit being now and present, not meant to be over analyzed.

There are doors belonging to freedom

and they all have special handles.

I can decorate them, understand them, hold them, charm them,

or let them go.

———————–

You either keep constantly busy or you do nothing or find yourself fluctuating between these two extremes. Life holds little meaning and there may seem no way out. If you have felt this way before and do so no longer: Congratulations! If you have never felt like this before I hope you never will. Perhaps you have a friend who feels like this. For those of you who feel stuck in this place, I wish to offer hope that life does not have to continue to feel like this.

Have you recently experienced the break up of a marriage or a serious relationship, the death of a loved one, or loss of a job? Each can leave you feeling out of control and not in charge of your life. You may feel numb, or angry or sad or scared or even relieved; or a combination of all these feelings at the same time. You may not feel valued, heard or respected. How do you treat yourself? You are worthy of respect, of being heard, of being valued and yes, of being loved. You may have had a recent situation that has temporarily left you feeling discouraged or you may feel deep down that you are not worthy of love or respect by others or by yourself. As a therapist I often see individuals who don’t feel good about themselves. My job as a therapist is to create a safe place for these individuals to be heard and to feel valued and respected. I enjoy helping people feel empowered and in control of their lives.

Letting go and moving on is rough but quite possible. Allowing yourself to feel and deal with those unpleasant feelings is a necessary part of healing. Perhaps the hardest part of healing is to treat yourself as you wish others to treat you - to love yourself. Would you treat yourself differently if you really cared about and loved yourself? Would you take better care of your body, your mind, and your spiritual life? Each day allow yourself to play, to laugh and to be with friends. Each day becomes a balance of both taking care of yourself and being there for others. Have you ever tried to pour lemonade out of an empty pitcher? Just like the empty pitcher, if you do not fill yourself by taking care of you; you have nothing to give others.

You don’t need to stay stuck in this place. Talk with friends, join a divorce recovery or grief group if appropriate, or talk with a therapist. Get some help. You are worth it! You are worthy of being loved, of having a wonderful life. Life can be better.

Copyright 2006