How can parents decide on a custody and visitation plan?

Parents who separate should have a custody and visitation or parenting plan for deciding how they will share parenting responsibilities. A custody and visitation plan must be in writing and signed by both parties and a judge to be enforceable.

What if parents cannot agree on a custody and visitation plan?

If parents cannot agree on custody and visitation on their own they may go to court and ask a judge for a temporary order. The Court will first send them to Conciliation Court where a trained mediator tries to help the parties agree. In Los Angeles conciliation services are free. An appointment can be made by calling conciliation services at (213) 974-5524.

If the parties still cannot agree, the Court will make a temporary custody and visitation order that is in the best interests of the children. The temporary order will continue until the parties can reach an agreement or until custody and visitation is resolved after a trial.

If parents cannot agree on custody and visitation, they can also ask the court to appoint a mental health expert such as a psychologist to carry out a custody evaluation. A list of custody evaluators can be found at the Los Angeles Court’s web site at www.lasuperiorcourt.org.

Developing a Plan

While it is difficult to make generalizations about the suitability of various parenting plans many experts agree that during the first years of life, it is important for young children to develop an attachment to a primary caretaker and recommend frequent but non-overnight visitation with the non-custodial parent for short periods of time. As the children grow older and are better able to develop multiple attachments longer periods of continuous overnight visitation is encouraged.

Consider the practical aspects of any plan

A first step in developing a plan is charting out the schedules of the children and both parents. This will help you make realistic choices based upon practical considerations. Take a calendar and chart out in a colored pen the activities of each of your children (e.g. when they leave and return from school/day care each day, when they go to different activities such as music lessons, when they have vacations etc.) Next, take a different colored pen and chart your activities and commitments. Include when you go to and return from work, go to meetings, go out with friends etc. With another colored pen do the same for the other parent. You should then compare both parents’ plans to see if there is any common ground.

The children’s best interests

When parents decide custody and visitation they should develop a plan around the needs and best interests of their children and not their needs or schedules. In other words, they should adjust the plan to the children, not the children to the plan. Parents should be looking at their children’s need for love, emotional support and security. Parents should take into account their children’s age, personality and experiences. Children will generally be better off when both parents are involved and participating in their upbringing.

Next you should consider who has historically been responsible for different commitments with the children and which parent is practically able to fulfill them in the future. Questions you should consider are:

• Who do the children turn to when they have a problem or need to share their feelings?

• Who does homework with the children?

• What do the children do on the weekends?

• Do the children spend time with relatives and who takes them?

• Who takes the children to medical appointments or picks them up in when they are sick?

• Who provides the children’s physical care, such as bathing, changing diapers, arranging for sitters, haircuts, feeding?

• How do you and your spouse discipline the children and set structure for them?

• What kind of personal attention do each of you give to the children, such as teaching problem solving, reading, playing together, sharing activities?

• Who is responsible for the children’s social activities, such as arranging birthdays, play dates, trick or treating, taking class trips, games, lessons, school plays etc?

Joint Custody

For older children one of the key issues is whether a joint custody is more appropriate than an arrangement where the non-custodial parent has alternate weekends and one or two overnights during the week. The answer will be different for each family. The parent’s relationship and their level of cooperation and also the children’s preferences can be as important as how much time the children physically spend with each parent.

The Legal Aspects of a Plan

Any parenting plan will have to make provision for who gets “legal” custody and who gets “physical” custody of the children. These are the terms that are used in agreements.

“Legal” custody means which parent gets to make important decisions about the children’s education, religious upbringing, medical treatment and other legal decisions. If one parent gets to make these decisions they have “sole legal custody.” If both parents get to make those decisions together, they
have “joint legal custody.” It is rare for one parent to be granted sole legal custody unless there are issues of domestic violence and substance abuse or there is a history of the parents being unable to communicate. In deciding on issues relating to legal custody, form “Joint Legal Custody Attachment” FL-341 (E) which has been approved by the Judicial Council of California is helpful. It can be found at www.courtinfo.ca.gov/forms/.

“Physical” custody means who the children live with on a daily basis. A parent has “sole” physical custody if the primary residence of the child is with that parent. The non-custodial parent then has visitation rights. The parents have “joint” physical custody if the children live with each parent for significant periods of time during the week.

A custody and visitation plan should be consistent and detailed. It should spell out who gets the children when and where in enough detail so that it is easy to understand and enforce. Important questions are who has the children in the week and on the weekends? Who transports the children for exchanges and to activities? Who gets the children on holidays and vacations? In California, the Judicial Counsel has developed forms to be used when requesting custody and visitation. The forms “Child Custody and Visitation Attachment FL-311 and “Children’s Holiday Schedule Attachment” can be found at www. Courtinfo.ca.gov/forms and are helpful in developing plans.

Sample physical custody plans

Some states have developed model parenting plans that take into account what is appropriate for children of different ages and stages of development. The Oregon Judicial Department has developed a “Basic Parenting Plan for Parents” that can be found at: http://www.ojd.state.or.us/osca/cpsd/courtimprovement/familylaw/parentingplan.htm.
The Supreme Court for the State of Arizona has also developed a model parenting plan that can be found at: www.supreme.state.az.us/dr/Text/ModelPTPlans.htm

The following samples are based on those parenting plans.

Birth to 12 months

Sample Language:

Commencing on _________, Parent A shall have physical custody of the minor child(ren) each week on Tuesday and Thursday from 4:30 p.m. to 7:30 pm. and Saturday from 10:00 a.m. to 6:00 p.m. Parent A shall be responsible for picking up and dropping of the minor child(ren) at the residence of Parent B. Parent B shall have physical custody of the minor child(ren) at all other times not designated as Parent A’s time.

Comments:

At this young age, infants form a primary attachment to one parent and long periods of absence from the primary attachment figure may be traumatic. Parents should minimize the infant’s basic sleep, feeding and waking cycles.

Pre-schooler 3 - 5 years

The parties alternate weekends and the non-custodial parent has one evening or overnight during the week.

Sample Language:

A. Commencing on ___________, Parent A shall have physical custody of the minor child(ren) alternate weekends from Friday, after the end of school/child care/camp (or at 5:30 p.m. if the child(ren) are not in school/child care/camp), when Parent A shall pick up the child(ren) from school/child care/camps, or at Parent B’s residence if the child(ren) are not in school/child care, until Monday, at the start of school/child care (or at 8:00 a.m. if the child(ren) are not in school/child care/camp), when Parent A shall drop the minor child(ren) off at school/child care/camp or at Parent B’s residence if the child(ren) are not in school/child care/camp.

B. Commencing on ____________, Parent A shall have physical custody of the minor child(ren) each week from Wednesday, after the end of school/child care camp (or at 5:30 p.m. if the child(ren) are not in school/child care/camp), when Parent A shall pick up the child(ren) from school/child care/camp, or at Parent B’s residence if the child(ren) are not in school/child care/camp, until Thursday, at the start of school/child care/camp(or at 8:00 a.m. if the child(ren) are not in school/child care/camp), when Parent A shall drop the minor child(ren) off at school/child care/camp or at Parent B’s residence if the child(ren) are not in school/child care/camp.

C. Parent B shall have physical custody of the minor child(ren) at all other times not designated as Parent A’s time.

* Instead of referring to alternate weekends, a plan can refer to 1st, 3rd and 5th weekends of the month. This generally avoids any confusion about which parents has custody on any given weekend.

Comments:

It may be suitable where Parent B has not been very involved in the day to day care of the child and has a busy work schedule. Three to five year olds may show increased anxiety moving between parent’s homes. This does not necessarily reflect on whether the other parent is not a good parent or does not want to be with the other parent. Depending on the maturity of the child and the practicality of the exchanges these times can be negotiated so that Parent A only has the child one or two evenings in the week and has shorter or longer weekends.

“2:2:3″ Joint Physical Custody for older children

The parties alternate weekends and each parent has the children two days in the week.

Sample Language:

A. Commencing on __________, Parent A shall have physical custody of the minor child(ren) each week from Monday, at the start of school/child care/camp (or at 8:00 a.m. if the child(ren) are not in school/child care/camp), when Parent B shall drop the minor child(ren) off at school/child care/camp, or at Parent A’s residence if the child(ren) are not in school/child care/camp, subject to paragraph C below, until Wednesday, at the start of school/child care/camp (or at 8:00 a.m. if the child(ren) are not in school/child care/camp), when Parent A shall drop the minor child(ren) off at school/child care/camp or at Parent B’s residence if the child(ren) are not in school/child care/camp.

B. Commencing on __________, Parent B shall have physical custody of the minor child(ren) each week from Wednesday, at the start of school/child care/camp (or at 8:00 a.m. if the child(ren) are not in school/child care/camp), when Parent A shall drop the child(ren) off at school/child care/camp or at Parent B’s residence if the child(ren) are not in school/child care/camp, until Friday, at the start of school/child care/camp (or at 8:00 a.m. if the children are not in school/child care/camp), when Parent B shall drop the child(ren) off at school/child care/camp or at Parent A’s residence if the child(ren) are not in school/child care/camp, subject to paragraph C below.

C. The parties shall alternate physical custody of the minor child(ren) during the weekends, from Friday, at the start the start of school (or at 8:00 a.m. if the children are not in school), until their return to school on Monday (or at 8:00 a.m. if the children are not in school) when the children shall be returned to their respective school or to the receiving parent’s residence, in the event the children are not in school.

Comments:

The child spends no longer than three days/nights away from either parent.

“2:2:5:5″ Joint Physical Custody For Older Children

The parties alternate two and five day periods with the children. Each parent has two consecutive midweek overnights each week and alternate the weekends.

Sample Language:

A. In Week 1, commencing ________, Parent A shall have physical custody of the minor child(ren) each week from Monday, at the start of school/child care/camp (or at 8:00 a.m. if the child(ren) are not in school/child care/camp), when Parent B shall drop the minor child(ren) off at school/child care/camp, or at Parent A’s residence if the child(ren) are not in school/child care/camp, until Wednesday, at the start of school/child care/camp (or at 8:00 a.m. if the child(ren) are not in school/child care/camp), when Parent A shall drop the minor child(ren) off at school/child care/camp or at Parent B’s residence if the child(ren) are not in school/child care/camp.

B. In Week 1 and 2, commencing ________, Parent A shall have physical custody of the minor child(ren) on Friday, after the end of school/child care/camp (or at 5:30 p.m. if the child(ren) are not in school/child care/camp), when Parent A shall pick up the child(ren) from school/child care/camps, or at Parent B’s residence if the child(ren) are not in school/child care, until the following Wednesday, at the start of school/child care (or at 8:00 a.m. if the child(ren) are not in school/child care/camp), when Parent A shall drop the minor child(ren) off at school/child care/camp or at Parent B’s residence if the child(ren) are not in school/child care/camp.

C. After the conclusion of Week 2, the two week rotation shall commence again with the physical custody schedule set forth above for Week 1.

D. Parent B shall have custody of the children at all times not designated as Parent A’s time.

Comments: The works better for well adjusted children who have a good attachment to both parents. It allows for joint physical custody but each child is only away from the non-custodial parent for five days.

Alternating Weeks - Joint Physical Custody

Sample Language:

Commencing __________, and on alternate weeks thereafter, Parent A shall have physical custody of the minor child(ren) from Monday at the start of school/child care/camp, or from 12:00 noon if the child(ren) are not in school/child care/camp, until Parent A returns the child(ren) to school the following Monday at the commencement of school, or 12:00 noon if the child(ren) is not in school/child care/camp, when Parent A shall return the child(ren) to Parent B’s residence. Parent B shall have custody of the child(ren) at all other times.

Comments:

The children may need to have mid-week contact with the non-custodial parent. This schedule can be altered to provide for a mid-week evening or overnight with the non-custodial parent.

Sample Legal Custody Plans

In deciding on issues relating to legal custody, form “Joint Legal Custody Attachment” FL-341 (E) which has been approved by the Judicial Council of California is helpful. It can be found at www.courtinfo.ca.gov/forms/ Where both parents are cooperative and are able to communicate the following joint legal custody language can be used.

Sample Language:

The parties shall have joint legal custody of the child(ren). In exercising joint legal custody, the parties shall make every reasonable effort to foster feelings of affection between themselves and the child(ren). The parties shall cooperate and consult with one another so as to reach mutual agreement on all issues affecting the health, education and welfare of the children, including but not limited to the following:

(1) Enrollment or termination in a particular private or public school/child care/summer camp;

(2) Beginning or ending the regular practice of religion;

(3) Commencement of psychiatric, psychological or other mental health counseling or therapy;

(4) Authorizing the children’s drivers’ licenses;

(5) Passport applications;

(6) Enrollment in regular extracurricular activities;

(7) Non-emergency medical or dental treatment, other than routine check-ups.

Links

www.lasuperiorcourt.org
www.courtinfo.ca.gov/forms/

http://www.ojd.state.or.us/osca/cpsd/courtimprovement/familylaw/parentingplan.htm
www.supreme.state.az.us/dr/Text/ModelPTPlans.htm
www.warrenrshiell,.om

© 2006 Warren R. Shiell. All rights reserved.

The information contained in this article is for informational purposes only and shall not constitute legal advice. Nothing in this Website shall be deemed to create an Attorney-Client relationship. An Attorney-Client relationship shall only be created when this office agrees to represent a Client and a Client signs a written retainer agreement.

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Many words are associated with the divorce process. Despite what one may think, the most prevalent and most destructive of these is a simple four letter word: fear. Divorce places an enormous stress on all persons involved. More often than not, the stress stems from fear. On an emotional level, there is a fear of being alone, either as a single parent, a person reentering the workforce after many years or of losing the status of being married. From a financial standpoint, parties have a great deal of fear concerning their short and long term financial future.

The collaborative divorce process seeks to minimize fear as it is the greatest impediment towards settlement. In a collaborative divorce, the parties agree not to go to court and instead to freely and voluntarily disclose information and endeavor to reach an agreement. The parties agreement also provides that their lawyers, divorce coaches and child and financial specialists, if made part of the collaborative process, cannot participate in litigation if the collaborative process terminates. The process is confidential and all team members sign an agreement to that effect. However, where other professionals are involved, the agreement waives privilege to the extent that the professionals may exchange, amongst themselves, information gathered from their meetings with the parties to further understanding of the parties and their children’s needs.

The traditional Collaborative Divorce model separates the divorce process into two components. Divorce coaches and child specialists seek to quell client’s emotional fears by handling coparenting plans and addressing communication issues. Financial specialists and attorneys tackle the legal and financial aspects of the divorce, by dividing the parties assets and creating a financial plan which addresses both parties needs, both presently and in the future.

Although collaborative divorce has been successful in many instances, there has been negative feedback concerning the process. In a study performed by the Collaborative Family Law Group in San Diego, it was found that most of the complainants raised questions concerning the necessity of coaches and specialists, uncertainty about settlement issues and the amount of time it took for the process to conclude. The San Diego group found that most complaints arose in cases where the collaborative divorce team did not work closely together. As a result, the group restructured their collaborative model and now advocates for integrated meetings involving all team members. In the old approach, coaches and child specialists would not attend meetings. As a result, if issues concerning parenting arose, the clients were told to wait and address those issues with their coaches. This revised model allows clients to have all issues addressed in one meeting and gives clients the impression that settlement issues, generally more financial in nature, and emotional issues are equally important. When emotional issues are handled as they arise, client’s anxiety lessens, making them able to work more effectively towards settlement.

Collaborative practice groups across the country are still wrestling with the issue of whether to implement the interdisciplinary approach to collaborative law. As experience is beginning to show, the integrated approach can effectively achieve settlement by eliminating the stress and anxiety brought on by the fear factor.

Most people realize that divorce has a long term effect on children. What some may not realize is the extent of the emotional impact of a protracted and contested divorce on even small children.

In a collaborative divorce, the parties seek to minimize the amount of pain experienced by children and parents by agreeing to participate in a series of negotiations to address all aspects of their divorce. Collaborative lawyers are specially trained to work with their clients in this process. The parties and their lawyers also decide whether additional support professionals should be included within the collaborative team. These individuals are also trained in collaborative practice and assist with questions concerning finances and children. In addition to a financial advisor and a therapist, parties can also include a child specialist in the process.

A child specialist works in much the same way as a guardian ad litem in that the specialist acts as a voice for the children in the divorce process. Unlike the guardian, the child specialist does not assess the parents and children and does not make custody recommendations. The child specialist is a member of the collaborative divorce team who acts as a neutral advocate for the children.

Like all members of the collaborative divorce team, the child specialist is trained in the principles of collaborative law. During the parties initial meeting, the parties and their collaborative team will discuss the role of the children in the collaborative divorce process. In many situations, the children will be heard in the process through the child specialist, but will not participate directly. Even in cases where there is a minimal level of conflict, it may be in the children’s best interest to be kept out of the collaborative meetings. Having children attend one such meeting, even in a neutral non-adversarial setting, can place the children in the uncomfortable position of having to choose sides. By having the children speak to a child specialist, parents can give their children a say in the process without placing them squarely within a situation that may be too emotionally difficult for them.

Don’t be surprised if you have not heard of a divorce coach, or if you view the idea with skepticism. Divorce coaching is a relatively new field which is still somewhat undefined. A look at the role of a divorce coach in the collaborative divorce helps explain the need for this additional resource as part of a collaborative divorce team.

In a traditional divorce, an attorney functions not only as a legal problem solver, but often as a therapist of sorts. Clients commonly face the emotional impact of their separation while trying to work on the legal aspect at the same time. Most attorneys are not trained to act as therapists and cannot provide the proper emotional support to their clients. As a result, the attorney and client spend hours discussing the emotional aspects of divorce and the client ends up paying a huge bill and receiving little more than a shoulder to cry on. In addition, many divorcing couples wind up in the traditional litigation route because they are reacting to fear, anger and a desire for retribution and are not thinking about what will happen once the divorce battle has ended. A divorce coach helps solve these problems by refocusing emotion-based thinking and helping the couple determine what is important for themselves and their children, both presently and in the future.

A divorce coach is a trained mental health professional who has been specially trained in collaborative law and who helps clients with decision making and goal setting. In a collaborative divorce, each party works with their own divorce coach to develop a plan of action. A divorce coach can help a person move beyond the high level of emotion which is often a stumbling block to resolving any divorce related issues and to focus on achieving certain goals, whether lessening the emotional harm to children or encouraging a spouse to seek financial advice in preparation for being single. The coach can also provide effective problem solving tools to reduce misunderstandings in communication and help create solutions to emotionally loaded legal issues.

It is important to note the difference between a divorce coach and a therapist. A therapist seeks to uncover the source of the problem, i.e., the childhood issue from whence the conflict originates. A divorce coach, on the other hand, focuses on the situation at hand and works on problem solving. Rather than seeking a reason why the divorce happened, a coach helps clients take action and develop a plan for dealing with the here and now issues. For instance, a couple who is unable to communicate without arguing can be taught how to diffuse tension by recognizing certain conversational triggers which have lead to arguments in the past. This is especially important in cases where there are children in common as the parties will have to co-parent even after the marriage is dissolved. A divorce coach also empowers parties to take action. A spouse who has been unemployed for a long period of time while raising children can be assisted with formulating a plan for obtaining the skills necessary to obtain an income of their own. A divorce coach will also hold the parties accountable for the goals they have set and will offer suggestions and additional resources for coping with the divorce.

In a collaborative divorce, the focus is on the impact on the family as a whole and not on either party as an individual. Divorce coaches can be an extremely useful resource in the collaborative process as a well trained divorce coach can help work past the emotional aspects of divorce and to create goals for the future.

When a couple get married they intend it to be ‘happy ever after’. I don’t believe anyone goes into marriage intending to get divorced. However, I do think there are four major reasons why so many marriages end up in the divorce courts.

1. Selfishness: quite simply, any relationship is one of give and take. In a marriage if both partners want what is best for their partner over and above what they want for themselves then there won’t be bitter arguments and conflict. It’s when we insist on having our own way that problems arise.

2. Lack of Communication: when something is bothering you in your marriage then clamming up and shutting the other person out will cause that concern to fester and grow. Your imagination might run completely wild until you’ve worked yourself up into an angry accusing state - which will certainly lead to more arguments. If you talk about your concerns before they become massive, and if you can talk openly and honestly with each other, then most problems can be sorted out quite amicably.

3. Lack of shared values and goals: if you got married in the heat of romance and lust then you are unlikely to have really explored each other’s values and goals. Once the initial honeymoon period is over reality kicks in. And the differences can be quite fundamental, perhaps you want children and your spouse doesn’t, or vice versa. If you want different things from your marriage then you are likely to be disappointed and disappointing. It’s vital to discuss these sorts of issues before you decide to get married. Is this really the person you want to spend the rest of your life with? While a broken engagement hurts it is far better than the hurt, acrimony and unpleasantness that could be caused by a divorce several years down the track.

4. Divorce is seen as an ‘easy’ answer: some people would say that divorce is far too easy these days. While it might be true that one can get divorced easily, the emotional turmoil, feelings of failure and detrimental effects on the children, make divorce anything but ‘easy’.

Life will present challenges to every marriage at some time or another. This could be interfering in-laws, a sickly child or worse. However, if you have started out with shared values and goals; if you keep the communication channels open whatever happens; and if you unselfishly consider the other person first, then you will stay married and your marriage bond will have been strengthened by the challenges you have faced together.

A couple of generations ago divorce carried a rather onerous social stigma. This made starting over almost impossible, but this is no longer the case in our society. This change has not come from a positive improvement, but rather the sad fact that divorce has become much too common. When you seek to begin dating after divorce you can take comfort from the fact that you are far from alone.

Knowing you have a lot of company, however, does not always make it any easier to begin. There are still a couple of pitfalls you are going to have to avoid. The main one is “letting go”. If you are seeking to date to teach your ex a lesson, or to get back at them, or really for any reason that in any way relates to your ex, you are not ready yet, and need to deal with that issue first. Stay on task here, you are not trying to change the past, but to enjoy the present, and maybe even begin the future. Put another way: make sure the door is closed before you open a window.

Another way you can let the past screw up your attempts to move on and get back into circulation, is to base your dating expectations on the qualities you liked or disliked about your ex. In other words, if you just divorced a tall one, don’t confine yourself to short ones in the hope you won’t make the same mistake again. Your potential dates certainly have a right to be judged on their own merits, and not by how they stack up to your ex. A little Golden Rule application here would be helpful. Remember your date is most likely “dating after divorce” too, and you wouldn’t want to be constantly compared either.

The most important thing to remember is you must not be hampered by a sense of failure. It is important to realize that the relationship failed, not you, and usually not your ex either. If you can not accept this, and approach the dating world free from an excessive amount of guilt, you might find a lot of dates, but you can be pretty sure you are not going to be a good date yourself. Start fresh, and start free, and be happy again. You most likely deserve it.

When you said the words, “I do,” on your wedding day, the idea of divorce probably never entered your mind. Nor was it even a fleeting thought when you witnessed the birth of your first child. Chances are it never occurred to you at those times that one day you would be a statistic in the over 50% of marriages that end in divorce.

And yet here you are, considering divorce, separated, or already divorced. Today you find yourself dealing with issues of dating, visitation schedules, and feelings of animosity toward your spouse. You know that divorce is not the best situation for your children, but things have progressed too far to turn back now.

What do you do at this point to protect your children? How do you help them minimize the negative effects of a divorce? What do you say to them and how do you say it? How you handle yourself through the divorce process and the months that follow can be a determining factor in how well your children handle the struggles that divorce can bring.

Listed below are the seven worst things you can say to your children during a divorce. Avoid these and you’ll be on your way to helping your children make the transition in a positive manner.

1. “If you behaved yourself more, your mother wouldn’t get so mad at me.”

Your child is NOT responsible for your relationship problems with your partner. Hinting that your child is in some way responsible for your divorce wounds the spirit and slashes the soul. Regardless of what your child has done or said, putting responsibility on them is totally inappropriate.
Remember, a divorce takes place between the two married people in the relationship. Although divorce affects the children, you are not divorcing them. You are divorcing the person to whom you are married.

Even when you assure children that they are not responsible for the marriage breakup, most children believe they are somehow responsible. They think to themselves, “If I’d only been better, it wouldn’t have happened,” or “If I had just done something different, things would be OK with Mom and Dad.”

If you really believe that your children are responsible for your divorce, then something is in need of repair in your parent-child relationship. Turn to a counselor, member of the clergy, or school personnel. Do it now. You and your children are worth it.

2. “Your mother is a tramp.”

Name-calling in front of your children is inexcusable. Regardless of what she has done and how you feel about her, remember that this person is still your child’s mother. If she has had an affair or done other mean things to you, it is not your place to tell the children about her behavior. Saying hurtful things to the children about their mother does not hit the intended target, your “ex.” It hits and hurts the ones you still love, your children.

Name-calling usually stems from feelings of anger and disgust. Stay in control of your angry feelings. Attempting to knock your “ex” down in this way does not bring you up in the eyes of your children. When they hear you using these words about their mother, they can see and feel the discrepancy in what you are saying and how they are feeling. They begin to distrust your words, and fear that you may be saying such things about them and their behavior. Their suspicion damages your relationship with them.

Kids need to look up to their parents. You and, yes, their mother are the two most important people in their lives. For years they have looked to both parents for comfort, support, encouragement, and direction. They will continue to do so even after the divorce. Speaking about their mother with words that are meant to wound only decreases the likelihood that they will look up to you in the future.

3. “What does your mother say about me?”

Do not put your children in the role of informant whose job it is to keep you updated on the events and happenings around Mom’s house. They are not conduits of information to be pumped for information. Keep them out of the middle and off the witness stand.

By asking your children to report to you and keep you informed you are asking them to betray someone they love. They are caught in the difficult position of having to supply you with information or lie in an attempt to protect their mother. When you do this, your children have to decide what might be appropriate information to tell and what information Mom might not want you to know. This is not a decision that a child needs to be making.

If there is information that you feel you really need or want to know, go to the source. Be an adult and ask your “ex” the questions you want answered. She has the right to decide what she wants to tell you. If she is not forthcoming with the answers, sit tight. It is quite possible that the answer will come to you without ever having to ask your children.

The main focus of your communication with your “ex” should be about your children, their development, and their continued care. Those questions that do not pertain to the kids may not be any of your business. Ask yourself if the answers to your questions benefit your children or you. Be honest with yourself at this point. If it only benefits you, let it go. Your children are what is most important.

4. “I want to get back together, but your mother doesn’t.”

This statement may be true, but telling it to your children is nothing more than a play for sympathy. It is a subtle attempt to fix blame and make the other parent look bad. You are trying to place yourself in a positive light, as the only one who wants to keep the family together.

If this statement is really true, explore your role in how the relationship with your partner has gotten to the point where it is now. Tell your partner that you want to get back together and work on correcting the mistakes you made in the relationship. Your children have no place in that process.

If you want to look good and win your children’s affection, do so with grace. Approach your partner with a loving heart. Model for your children how to separate and move on in a relationship without wounding the spirit of another. Show your children how to have an open heart even when you don’t want what another person wants. Divorce gracefully. It is the best kind of divorce your children can go through.

5. “No, I won’t give you any money. I send your mother child support. If you need any money, ask her.”

When you were married, did you sit down each week or month and show your check stub to your children? Did you share each aspect of the family budget with them, expecting them to understand the intricate nature of this system you designed? Probably not. They knew it existed and they became familiar with parts of it at times, but it was never a major concern for them. It was an adult matter that adults took care of.

The same holds true for child support. Your children do not need to know how much child support you pay and when you pay it. A child’s request for money is not a request to be told about the family budget or about how much you pay for child support. Neither is it a request to hear about your financial troubles. If the money is not available, and there are times in non-divorce situations that this is also true, tell them that the money is not available right now without mentioning how much you pay for child support. Talk with Your children about what they want to do with the money. Help them create a plan on how to get the money they need.

The purpose of child support is to make available a percentage of the finances needed for everyday living. Your children need far more than what child support provides. Your children need extra love, extra attention, and, yes, extra money on occasion.

Don’t get caught up in the financial end of your relationship with your children. Be careful not to attempt to buy their love with money. Instead, show your love with time and attention.

6. “I’m sorry I didn’t get you last week. I was really busy.”

When it is your evening or weekend to be with your kids, adjust your schedule so that you can give them your full attention. This may mean skipping the golf outing, rescheduling poker night, missing softball practice, or changing your hours at work. Create the time so that you can be present in your children’s life. When it is your weekend and you don’t spend it with your kids, they feel rejected. The message is that something has become very important to you and it is not them. Is that the message you want to send to your children? If not, then make your time with them a priority.
Demonstrate to them that their time with you is the last thing to get cancelled.

If you are scheduled to have parenting time with your children and you don’t show or you call at the last minute with a change of plans, your kids feel abandoned. If you take them to their grandparents’ house for the day while you go on a golf outing, the kids question their importance to you. If you say to your daughter, “We can do that the next time we’re together,” and when next week arrives you don’t do it, your integrity comes into question.

When you have scheduled parenting time, keep it. When you say you’re going to do something together next time, do it. Your children remember, and they are building an image of their father based on your actions. What image of you do you want them to hold?

7. “I don’t care what your mother said. You don’t have to do that if you don’t want to.”

No two homes are run alike. With the establishment of two separate homes comes the establishment of two sets of rules. The goal is to create as much consistency as possible between your house and your ex-wife’s house.

Arriving at mutual agreement on issues of bed time, homework structure, video game and television viewing, and basic rules of respect for others’ boundaries is important. While this type of consistency is valuable, the reality is that it is difficult for many divorced couples to achieve. It takes setting aside your anger, resentment, and feelings of revenge, and coming to mutual conclusions about important issues that affect your children. It takes two people behaving like adults focusing on what is best for their children.

To say to your children, “I don’t care what your mother said. You don’t have to do that if you don’t want to,” begins to create an imbalance in the structure that children need, especially in times of divorce. The implication is that they don’t have to listen to their mother, that she doesn’t know what she’s talking about, and that it’s OK if they defy her authority. This is your effort to exert power over your ex-wife by weakening her power with the children. You are attempting to undermine her authority and are using the children to get back at her. This is not your children’s job. Putting them in this position gives them a sense of power that is focused in the wrong direction. A child’s power needs to stay focused on managing their own behavior as they learn to make safe, caring, confident choices.

If you really don’t think the children should have to do whatever their mother told them to do, take it up with her. Find out what was really behind her request or disciplinary strategy. If it is not a strategy you use in your home, talk to the children about how you handle similar situations at your house. Explain the differences in the approach each parent has taken, helping them see the outcome of their choices and the effect it has on them regardless of the house in which they reside.

Divorce does not have to be a devastating end to your family. It marks the beginning of a new family for you and your children. Focus on creating a new life together. Hold on to some of the traditions of the past and look for opportunities to create new traditions, new routines, and a newfound joy in being together. Show your children how to divorce gracefully by eliminating the seven worst things you can say to them during that critical time.

How can I be so positive about a divorce that shattered me? That is a question that will have many of you scratching your heads.

She had a dress’ size ten and she was Lebanese Catholic and she was the prettiest girl at the Amway convention and she wanted to speak to me. She was a winner, she was forthright, she had a wonderful laugh and a great pair of legs and she wanted to meet me in private. Three months later she was pregnant and we were engaged to be married.

1 My divorce taught me how to love someone that isn’t in your bed.

When I was married to Sharryn I spent one week away from her and I thought I was going to die. The idea of ever having to spend weeks apart from her was all too much for me to contemplate. I was more than in love with Sharryn. I was addicted and there is a difference.

When we separated I came to love my wife in other ways. As she was seeing another male we didn’t sleep together any more and it was kind of strange being in love with your wife when she was sleeping with another male. I think it’s really sexist and unfair that men’s love for a woman so often comes back to the sexual union and I was happy that I could still love my wife when another man was sleeping with her.

I found out that her new partner liked tennis and we had a lot in common and a lot to talk about so we took to playing tennis with each other once every two weeks or so. My young son at about four years of age would run all around the court to pick up the balls and we would play with my son also and got him playing well for a young lad. This man was good for my wife, and yet not good enough as she left him and broke his heart also 18 months later.

Then we had more in common!

2. My break-up taught me how to pray in tongues.

I grew up in a traditional church which did not believe in the gifts of the Spirit including the ability to speak in tongues and language of angels. One day when I was trying to pray for my wife and the aforementioned tennis partner I was having a hard time not praying a selfish prayer where I was the winner if it was answered. I wanted to bless my wife and really wanted her best and so I was struggling because all of me wanted her relationship with this adulterer to break up and her to come back to me confessing it was all a big mistake.

The Holy Spirit noticed my dilemma and out of my mouth came this wonderful
love-filled prayer for my wife. My own mind was not involved in forming the words and the first I heard the words was not in my mind but as they came out of my mouth. Such was the magnificence of the words and the prayer that I began to weep. Here I was praying this prayer that went for about ten minutes as tears streamed down my face.

I have prayed a lot of prayers in my time and few could have been as good as that prayer. When I finished the prayer I asked Jesus what had gone on and He said.

“That is the gift of tongues Matthew. You don’t believe in tongues but the gift is there for you to use when you want from now on all you need is to speak it out.”

So I owe it to my wife for activating my gift of tongues.

3. My break-up taught me about treasuring something precious

They say that we don’t really appreciate something until it is gone. It’s not until we are ill with the flu that we really appreciate what being well is all about. It is not until we lose a loved one that we realize how precious that loved one really was to us.

Take a moment and think of your health and thank God for your good health if you have it at the moment. And if you have lost a partner, take the time and thank God for all the happy times and experiences you had with that precious person.

People talk about the bad times and I honestly can’t remember the bad times in my marriage. All I can remember are the good times and some of the highlights of our marriage. I can smell a perfume on a girl still today 14 years later and love my Sharryn in that perfume.

There are songs on the radio that play that were popular when we were together. There are her favourite movies and her favourite bands and her favourite foods. All of these things continue to come before me and I appreciate all the good things we shared. Jesus was really good to me giving me such a wonderful wife and she was just a poor broken girl falling in love with me and falling pregnant.

Have you got people in your life that you are not treating precious? Perhaps it’s too late for your spouse, but it might not be too late to tell your mother in law that you love her and will always love her like your own mother.

We wreck our lives so easily and we cut off a leg because it is sore rather than going to the doctor. Just because you have lost your partner is no reason for the in-laws or the children to suffer.

4. My break up taught me how to forgive.

My wife through the divorce and custody arrangements hurt me a lot. I had a friend prophesy to me last week that it hurt God to take her away from me, but my wife had a controlling spirit that wanted me dead and that God took her way from me on purpose to save my life.

I did one breakdown through the trauma that came from the custody case and away from her I have fared quite well. Through the entire trauma I learned to forgive that lady of my heart. In the process of forgiving I began to apply what I learned to other significant relationships in my life. Soon I was set on a path that took me years and made me into a better man.

Forgiveness is a habit we can all learn and the Lord Jesus makes it pretty clear that we cannot be forgiven if we don’t first forgive others. Not that I want to preach to you, but the way through your struggle is to walk in your partner’s shoes and learn to forgive.

For a headache everyone reaches for a tablet that will take the pain away. Well forgiveness is like that tablet. It takes the pressure away and helps you see clearly. Take the time to ask God to help your forgive. You don’t even need to be a
church-goer. God will honour your prayer and help you let go. Carrying around unforgiveness is like dragging the whole world around with you.

From the day I prayed in tongues to the day I played tennis with her partner I did my share of forgiveness. That partner now has a wonderful wife and my wife has re- married and last time I heard she was happy and going on with Jesus and I am happy and quite content being single.

I think it is a great thing to be in love once in your life. I feel it’s an honour to be single for the Lord now. Since I made my decision to stay single I have had three offers and that was flattering to my ego.

5. My break-up gave me insight into characters for stories and something to write about.

As a writer I am always savouring my life experience. If I love Thai green chicken curry, you’ll see that turn up in a novel I have written as one of the characters bog in and eat. Everyone likes a character with life experience.

I am not one for text books. I like to research a subject but the best books are ones that are littered with real life experience as the author explains each point. I am a person like that. If you have been hurt in a break up remember that every band aid that gets ripped off your skin hurts. You were bonded together in marriage and in covenant and of course it’s going to hurt when it gets ripped apart.

I heard marriage explained like this once and it helped me a lot. Just imagine you are red cordial and your wife is yellow cordial and the day you unite in sexual union you mix together and become orange cordial. Divorce is trying to get you back to red and her back to yellow and you might almost get back to red but there will always be a tinge of orange in you. Whether you like it or not your partner is with you wherever you go.

I pray for my wife. I love her more today than the day I married her. I am not sure if her evil spirit has been exorcised from her but I really love her heaps and heaps.

But I am just a romantic.

How are you feeling?

Put it down on paper, find out if her new partner plays tennis and go and have a game of tennis with him. Or ladies’ find out about his new lady and take her out for a coffee and give her a few tips on how to make him happy and share his favourite meals with her.

Jesus spoke about turning the other cheek. If you couldn’t make it work, help the new partner make it work; at least in their success you will find some happiness.

I am just a romantic.

If you enjoy this article can you pray for my wife Sharryn that she would be okay.

May God bless you.

Most people hate lawyers and that is truly unfortunate for the legal profession, although many people say it is their own fault. One type of area of law, which is practiced that often gets people to hate lawyers are those that practiced divorce law.

Since 65% of those who have been married have had at least one divorce, most of them had used a lawyer to get the divorce, so you can understand that half or more of them will be very upset with the deal they got and all will be upset at the amount of money they had to pay the divorce lawyer to represent them.

So what can divorce lawyers do to promote them selves and maintain good public relations? It might be wise for divorce lawyers to get with marriage counselors and put on seminars and try to get people to stay together and work on things amicably.

If the marriage does not work out the divorce lawyers might get some extra business, but perhaps they might also have checklists and meet with both parties together and help them separate without wasting all their money on divorce lawyers.

Why would a divorce lawyer want to do that, because they can make money without destroying people’s lives and making people hate lawyers? Perhaps if you are a divorce lawyer you might consider all this in 2006.

When you are getting a divorce and there are children involved, it is important to be careful how you react in front of the children. After you tell them what is going on and explaining to them that they are still loved by both parents, you do not want to upset them in any way. You need to make sure that the children are feeling safe and secure knowing that both parents love them.

You should never have a fight in front of the children with the other parent. This will be very disturbing to the children and may cause them to be fearful of what may happen in the future. You should not speak in a bad way about the other parent as well. You have to be very careful not to call the other parent names or talk bad about any thing that they have done.

Never keep the children away from the other parent unless they are in danger of anything. You should let the children see the parent when they feel the need to. Let them know that they can call them anytime and you will be happy to drive them to see you’re soon to ex spouse’s residence any time that they want.

You never want to distance yourself from your children. You have to keep up your responsibly of being a parent. You need to communicate with your child and be a good parent. It is a hard time and can be very depressing for a lot of adults. It is important to keep up your strength both physically and emotionally for the children’s sake.

Do not try and buy the child’s affection with gifts and money. You need to spend time with them and let them know that they are the most important things right now. You need to keep all of your promises to them and do not abandon them for any reason. If you say that you are going to be there is a certain time, you need to be there.

If you think that the child needs to have therapy, you should make the necessary arrangements. Do you feel your child needs to talk to someone, if they need to talk to a professional let them, as this is going to help a child in the long run. It is crucial to the children to be able to discuss their feeling and to be reassured that they have nothing to worry about concerning the divorce. It is nothing to be ashamed of and the child should be made to feel comfortable about all that is going on around them.