Ignorance is the most common trap you will face when getting divorced. To get through your divorce with the most peace of mind, while spending the least amount of money, you need to know all the facts and have all relevant documents in order.

• It’s tempting to ignore financial details, but if you don’t take the trouble to understand what’s going on in your financial life and what you’re entitled to, you might as well hang a big “victim” sign around your neck.
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• Ignorance makes you feel helpless and makes it easy for you to be manipulated into accepting a bad deal.
• The worst thing you can do is go to a lawyer without any information or preparation and ask for a divorce. You’ll waste a lot of time and money, and you won’t receive the respect given an informed client.

Bad Judgment is a real hazard when emotions are running high, as is normal in divorce. Insecurity can cripple you. Fear and anger can make you grasp for too much or surrender too much, leading to a settlement you may regret.

• Keep business and emotional issues separate.
• Don’t jump to sudden conclusions or make impulsive agreements.
• Don’t sign anything you haven’t thought about or don’t understand.

Excessive Spending is very common before, during and after a separation. It is used as an anesthetic for emotional pain. After separation you need money to set up two separate lifestyles, and can’t afford neurotic spending driven by emotional upset.

• Control impulsive and compulsive spending the same way you would control neurotic eating habits.
• Do all you can to keep yourself open, centered and strong.
• Deal with your emotional issues instead of reacting and running from them.

Hiding Money can happen when it becomes clear that a divorce is coming and one spouse starts salting money away in a private stash.

• This is OK if you do it without cheating–it can give you a sense of security, independence and control.
• Be on the lookout for cheating, where your spouse may be secretly diverting marital assets into a separate account. You may need an attorney to protect the marital estate and your interest in it.
• When a divorce is coming, watch where income goes and keep a close eye on account withdrawals. Take a close look at financial transactions during the previous year.

If you make the effort to avoid the common divorce traps of ignorance, bad judgment, excessive spending, and hiding money it will pay off handsomely in reduced conflict, stress and expense during your divorce.

1f43

There is a fine line between love and hate. No more is this seen than in the aftermath of a complicated break up or divorce. And if you have ever been unfortunate enough to have experienced this, you will understand exactly what I mean. It seems that when relationship troubles start to surface we try our hardest to make things work. This in actual fact can be catastrophic if the relationship has issues that are being ignored and for want of a better phrase ’swept under the carpet’ in the quest for superficial happiness. This type of ‘first aid’ seems good for the short term, however if the original issues are not dealt with then this can cause an explosive end to the relationship.

If you are going through a break up at the moment, then use this time as an opportunity. Think about how you can make your future relationships better, who knows you may even wish to try and rekindle your old one. One way that you can solve many past and present issues is by using Hypnotherapy. Hypnosis is great for working on issues like this as it deals directly with the area of you mind that makes you - YOU! For years Hypnosis has been widely considered one of the best ways to do things like Stop Smoking, Lose Weight and Manage Stress; however it can now be applied to many Relationships issues, such as Jealousy, Anger Management and Infidelity. Hypnosis can also be used successfully on sexual issues including Impotent, Premature Ejaculation, Improved Female Orgasm and Frigidity including others.

In Hypnosis you will become very relaxed, but will remain completely aware of what is going on around you. A lot of people have some very misguided opinions of Hypnosis, which makes life interesting for me to say the least. The biggest question that I get asked is ‘Does it work?’. This one always makes me laugh! Hypnosis is a science. As a hypnotherapist I spend my life researching what makes people do what they do and also why they feel the way that they feel. I then work with them to find away to change this so that that can do what the WANT to do and feel the way that they WANT to feel.

So if you are experiencing troubles in your relationship or you need some help getting over a break up or divorce, then you should seriously consider using Hypnosis. The technique is so mainstream now that you can even get instant downloads from the internet to help you with a whole host of issues.

People often think of divorce just as a legal procedure, but actually, the legal divorce is only a subcategory of the practical real divorce. The real divorce is what your life is about and how you go about it. And unless you decide to get counseling or go into therapy, the real divorce is free. It is, however, very costly in terms of personal effort, but you can reduce the cost by learning to avoid the common traps (see my article, “Divorce–Avoid These Common Traps”). Going through these major life changes–in other words, recreating your life–is demanding, painful, hard work, but it may be the most important and rewarding thing you can do.

As far as the law is concerned, divorce is about just three things: property, children and support. That’s it and that’s all. To get a legal divorce, you have to settle these issues:

• How to divide whatever property and debts have accumulated during the marriage
• If there will be spousal support; and if so, how much and for how long
• When minor children are involved, how parents will share the care and duties of raising the children, and how much child support will be paid
Tip! Be prepared: Get control of the facts of your own divorce; understand how the laws of your state apply to the facts; find out the probable outcomes under the law; clarify your goals. You can also prepare by trying to understand your respective emotions and past patterns.

If you can’t settle these issues between you, a third person–a judge or arbitrator–who doesn’t know you or your family, will take as little time as possible to make the decisions for you. Whether you do it yourself or an attorney does it for you, you still have to gather your own facts and make your own decisions as to what you want to do, so you might as well do most or all of it yourself.

In many states, especially California, the laws are so detailed that in most situations one can predict with reasonable certainty what a judge or arbitrator will decide, so there is little to be gained from going through costly litigation or arbitration. Any problem you have has almost certainly been legislated and litigated already. This makes it possible and attractive for couples to settle their issues through negotiation or mediation rather than arbitration or court. Family resources should be split between the partners to a marriage rather than the partners in a law firm.

Since I founded Nolo Press in 1971 with the first edition of How to Do Your Own Divorce, millions of people have successfully done their own divorces without retaining lawyers. Doing your own divorce does not mean you can’t get help, but there is a big difference in the kinds of help that are available.

Friends, relatives and “common knowledge” are the worst and most expensive sources of legal advice. Use friends for moral support, but when they give you advice, just say, “thank you,” but do not take it seriously without checking with a reliable source. If you didn’t get it from a current Nolo book or a family law specialist attorney, don’t trust it! Just because you like or trust someone doesn’t make them right. Bad advice can cost you dearlyperhaps for the rest of your life.

Lawyers who specialize in divorce know a lot, but because of the way the system works and the way lawyers work, they will almost certainly cause you unnecessary conflict and expense. Do not retain an attorney unless there’s no other choice. Getting information and advice from attorneys is tricky, too, because they don’t want to help you help yourself; they want to take your case and represent you.

Attorneys will frequently do the first interview for a fairly small fee, but too often they spend that time convincing you that you need them to handle your case. Hourly rates can run over $400, but $190 - $250 per hour is average. Most attorneys require a retainer, about $5,000 is typical, but the amount doesn’t matter because the final bill will almost certainly be much higher. Few attorneys will give a fixed figure for the whole job. You are doing very well if you end up spending less than $2,500 per spouse on the simplest case; the average in Los Angeles and Orange counties in California when both spouses are represented is over $18,000 per spouse!

HELP FOR CALIFORNIANS

Legal Document Assistants (LDAs) used to call themselves “paralegals” but that was changed by California law in 2000. LDAs act, basically, as a typing service for people doing their own divorces. You can tell them exactly what you want and they type up the forms and handle the secretarial work. I introduced this innovative service in 1972 and LDAs have since changed the face of the legal map. Their rates are generally $300 to $800 for doing your basic paperwork.

It’s very important to understand the limitations of LDAs. Some are trained, but no training is requiredanyone can do it. You can’t get reliable legal advice from LDAs. There are many good ones out there, but be careful who you hire. Ask how long they’ve been in business and be sure to check references. If you know exactly what you want and have no legal questions, no problems, and no marital settlement agreement beyond the one in How to Do Your Own Divorce in California, then using an experienced and reliable LDA is a very good way to get your paperwork done.

Divorce Helpline was created to change the way attorneys practice in divorce cases, to provide expert support for people who are doing their own divorces. Divorce Helpline attorneys work exclusively on solving problems and settling divorces. We will not litigate or represent peoplewe don’t believe in it. Instead, we serve as your guide and assistant. Divorce Helpline attorneys are trained in mediation and communication, and are good at solving problems in a practical way. We have to be, because unlike other attorneys, we earn less if you can’t settle your case. If you can’t settle, we refer you to a litigating attorney in your area and give a refund for any work not completed due to your unresolved conflict.

Divorce Helpline can do a much better job for you when we do the whole casethe paperwork and the marital settlement agreementas well as giving you advice. That way we have all the information, not just the small bit you are asking about. When we do the whole case, we often find issues, problems to solve and ways to save money that people didn’t know to ask about. If you are using mediation and arbitration, Divorce Helpline does that too. Divorce Helpline attorneys charge $1,995 for a complete divorce package, which includes an attorney-drafted marital settlement agreement. If you use a lot of counseling and other services, it is possible to run up a bill as high as $2,500your total cost for both spouses, but the higher cost is not typical.

“Autumn Has Seasoned Me Well”

Content to be understood in a casual way and yet…

He was a most attentive healer.

Every space and corner he defined in me.

I so tastefully wore a crown.

No one around.

Stayed and stayed…

he remembered he had not seen me in full bloom.

All things considered I should have waited to hear the rest,

but patients gathered in the hallways,

wounds too deep to mind.

Who can contend with such a lover?

At least I know that I don’t heal well.

There were reprieves I had not considered,

but Autumn…

Autumn has seasoned me well.

————————————-

“Now”

I seem to have new pathways to assemble.

The steam reaches out and irons out the discontentment of time.

I step past memories and longings and reach out.

Life is unclear

impossible to be real.

Days go by and I find myself in a new reality,

a reality of happy.

You lend me the fragrance of freedom,

the air of pause,

in the water and substance there is a tranquility I have never known.

My soldier of old,

my lament,

I am always so afraid they’ll take you from me.

I dare not completely touch today

or sleep and find you gone,

and learn you have never been with me at all.

So I smile on the pathway

maneuver my restraint.

I cannot live in the shadow of regret

and not see what is right there in front of me.

This spirit being now and present, not meant to be over analyzed.

There are doors belonging to freedom

and they all have special handles.

I can decorate them, understand them, hold them, charm them,

or let them go.

———————–

You either keep constantly busy or you do nothing or find yourself fluctuating between these two extremes. Life holds little meaning and there may seem no way out. If you have felt this way before and do so no longer: Congratulations! If you have never felt like this before I hope you never will. Perhaps you have a friend who feels like this. For those of you who feel stuck in this place, I wish to offer hope that life does not have to continue to feel like this.

Have you recently experienced the break up of a marriage or a serious relationship, the death of a loved one, or loss of a job? Each can leave you feeling out of control and not in charge of your life. You may feel numb, or angry or sad or scared or even relieved; or a combination of all these feelings at the same time. You may not feel valued, heard or respected. How do you treat yourself? You are worthy of respect, of being heard, of being valued and yes, of being loved. You may have had a recent situation that has temporarily left you feeling discouraged or you may feel deep down that you are not worthy of love or respect by others or by yourself. As a therapist I often see individuals who don’t feel good about themselves. My job as a therapist is to create a safe place for these individuals to be heard and to feel valued and respected. I enjoy helping people feel empowered and in control of their lives.

Letting go and moving on is rough but quite possible. Allowing yourself to feel and deal with those unpleasant feelings is a necessary part of healing. Perhaps the hardest part of healing is to treat yourself as you wish others to treat you - to love yourself. Would you treat yourself differently if you really cared about and loved yourself? Would you take better care of your body, your mind, and your spiritual life? Each day allow yourself to play, to laugh and to be with friends. Each day becomes a balance of both taking care of yourself and being there for others. Have you ever tried to pour lemonade out of an empty pitcher? Just like the empty pitcher, if you do not fill yourself by taking care of you; you have nothing to give others.

You don’t need to stay stuck in this place. Talk with friends, join a divorce recovery or grief group if appropriate, or talk with a therapist. Get some help. You are worth it! You are worthy of being loved, of having a wonderful life. Life can be better.

Copyright 2006

Before you find out what you need to do to try to stop divorce, you must understand that in just about every state, you cannot stop a divorce by yourself if your spouse is determined to get one.

In addition, here are three strategies that you need to avoid if you want to stop divorce:

1. Giving reassurance, such as “I’ve changed. I won’t have another affair. I won’t lie to you anymore.” This strategy never works.

2. Telling him/her repeatedly, “I love you.” This strategy also does not work.

3. Arguing and trying to talk him/her into feeling different. This strategy does not work as well.

So what you can do to stop divorce?

The biggest secret is that you need to work at your relationship. You must persistently work at having pleasant relationship. By no means should you take your relationship for granted.

Many outside factors (job, finances, illness or inattention) have huge influence on relationships. You goal should be to deal with these factors.

Here are three steps to stop divorce.

1. Husband and wife should come to an understanding that an outside factor is the most important cause.

2. Husband and wife should create a reasonable plan for solving the problem. A thorough plan must engage both of spouses.

3. Make the plan happen. Engage the whole family if needed.

Here are some tips that will help you have a good relationship.

- Communicate with your spouse. Talk about things that bother you, using the word “we” a lot.

- Spend more time together doing things you each like to do.

- Think twice before you say something.

- Do not shout a hard criticism.

Recovering from divorce can seem like a dark endless tunnel. The divorce process is emotionally draining, time consuming and downright miserable. During the midst of my divorce, I discovered the necessity of learning to love and take care of myself. I am sharing with you 7 ways of loving and rejuvenating yourself through what seems like a dark tunnel.

Way 1: Play with yourself –Take yourself on a play date.

Do something fun that you haven’t done before or haven’t done in a long time. This gives you an opportunity to enjoy time with yourself. Treat yourself to a movie-the kind you love but your spouse would have hated.

Way 2: Play with children.

Divorce can be hard on children. If you have children, make play dates with them and spend time laughing and doing some of their favorite activities. Give them time to spend with their friends. Laugher and play are healing and will give the children wonderful memories to cherish during this trying time. If you don’t have children, find one or some to hang out with or find the child in you by playing–swing, roller skate, Go-kart. Laughter and play will raise your spirit.

Way 3: Get plenty of rest.

Your body needs plenty of sleep for healing and repair. Sleep deprivation can keep your emotions on edge and raw. Do something calming such as meditation or drinking chamomile tea to relax before turning in for the night. Of course, don’t attempt to spend all of your time in bed wallowing in misery either.

Way 4: Indulge in a treat for your body.

Be careful of making any drastic changes. If you’d been eyeing a new hairstyle for while, consider doing it. However, it is best to do minor changes that may complement your current style, such as highlights, a good trim or shape up. Get a spa treatment such as a manicure, pedicure, facial or massage.

Way 5: Makeover your wardrobe.

Your clothes can determine how you feel throughout the day. Wearing a piece of clothing or jewelry that you really like gives you a good feeling. Look for a piece to add to your wardrobe that makes you feel really sexy. Buy sexy under garments that only you know are underneath. Look for colors that look good on you. Find clothes that match your body type. It is nothing like having the soon-to-be-ex wondering why you look so good.

Way 6: Change your living space.

Since this was a space that you shared with your spouse, make some changes that reflect you. Redo your bedroom with a new color scheme. Buy a new comforter and/or a set of new sheets. Rearrange the furniture in as many rooms as possible. All or any of these moves will shift the energy of the space which in turn shifts your mood and makes the space feel new and all yours.

Way 7: Take a mini vacation.

How far you travel is not the key. The main point is that you need some time away from the hum-drum and drama that your divorce may bring. If your finances don’t allow you to leave your area then spend a night or weekend out with friends. Get out of your regular space and regular routine.

The stats don’t lie. 50% of all American marriages will end in divorce. Does this mean that you, your friends and family have no chance at all of a lasting marriage? Who knows? But many of the leading marriage experts will tell you that the divorce rate is actually closer to 40% and that number tends to decline that older the spouses are when they get married. The 50% divorce rate that we hear so much about tends to be for a young couple marrying for the first time, when referring to these younger couples some analyst say the rate is even as high as 60%. What about the rest of the marrying population? Like your parents who have been married for 30, 40 or 50 years.

Studies show us that college grads are also less likely than others to get a divorce. College grads also tend to make more than non-grads, so it seems that education and income level tend to play a role in determining whether the marriage will last. Length of marriage is very important as most divorces occur during the first few years of marriage. Author James Mills talks about the “Two Year Itch”, which he states that 1 in 10 couples will split after 24 months of marriage. So based on Mill’s “two year itch” theory, the longer a couple stays married the less likely a divorce will occur. This is probably the reason your parents marriage of 40 years isn’t likely to end anytime soon.

What about kids? Couples who have kids divorce less than couples without children. This shows that couples are willing to stay in a bad relationship just for the sake of their children.

The mythical 50% divorce rate can be even more deceiving when the number of actual divorces is broken down by race. White Americans have the highest rate among the races, while Asian-Americans have the lowest. The divorce rate of Asian-Americans is nowhere near the 50% rate. In fact 8 out of 10 Asian-American children in the United States live with both parents, a rate than significantly higher than other ethnic group.

What do all of these stats amount to? What does all of this information mean? Well first and foremost the 50% divorce rate doesn’t exactly apply to everyone. This is especially true if you are a minority or have a college degree or decide to get married a little later in life.

Divorce is a hot issue in today’s family system. It creates issues that affect not only the parents but the children and society as whole. Whatever the circumstances may be, it is the children that are usually most affected by the ravages brought about by separation.

Emotional repercussion and conflicts can be somewhat avoided if parents will work hand-in-hand to rebuild their relationship to as normal a state as possibe. While the marriage may have failed, it is important that the children sense at least a civil relationship between their parents. The children must maintain a relationship with both parents after a divorce, and it does no good for them to hear each parent degrading the other.

This attitude of cooperation can work very well, in theory, if both parents are committed for their children’s sake.

It is very important, after divorce, that the children do not feel left-out and forsaken as a result of the failed marriage. More often than not, parents fail to understand the importance of a good relationship after they call it quits.

Rebuilding “family” after divorce is difficult, but through sheer commitment and understanding, both parents should be able to raise their children with hope and respect.

Rebuilding A Broken Relationship

For most people, a broken relationship will remain “broken” no matter what. But, through the course of time, and perhaps some counceling, parents learn to realize the importance of working out a relationship with their children after the failed marriage, as well as with their ex-spouce. It is important for divorced parents to maintain a cordial attitude with one another, especially when around the children, or when discussing issues that involve the children.

Being Involved

The process of “rebuilding” a broken relationship is difficult when both parents, together with their children, no longer feel comfortable with one another. While difficult, there are a limitless number of activities you can actually do in order to help get your relationship back to an acceptable condition.

a. Cook Out - Meeting the needs of your children cannot be fulfilled by financial settlements and other monetary-related obligations. Inexpensive activities such as a family cookout is a sure way of soothing relationships and maintaining respectful treatment of one another.

b. Outdoor Activities - A day at the park, a day at the beach, or even a shopping trip with your children is a good way for each parent to promote individual bonding with the children. This type of activity provides an opportunity for the non-custodial parent to track school activities and progress, catch up on their childs relationships, as well as the childs overall health.

c. Movies - Going to the movies provides a fun atmosphere for both the divorced parent and the children. This is a great way to spend some one-on-one time togeather and should not be overlooked.

d. Play Time - This activity is applicable for families where the children’s age range is from 3 to 10. This is also a perfect time for both parents to share a bonding activity with their children, and somewhat minimizes the effects of divorce on younger children.

e. Educational Field Trips - Security is everybody’s business, especially in divorced families. More and more families are beginning to accept the culture of togetherness, even when divorced, as an opportunity to help the children to feel as secure as possible under the circumstances.

There really is only one main point here; it is the divorced parents responsibility to put aside their differences in order to minimize the bad effects their divorce will have on their children.