No one gets married thinking that it will end in divorce. There is always optimism and hope and the belief that love can conquer all whenever two people decide to marry.

Unfortunately, life is hard. No one is immune to the daily stress of living your life and trying to share that life with another person. You can be two of the most compatible people in the world and still want to scratch each others eyes out at time. Living with someone day after day after day can become tiresome. Always having to think of someone else before making decisions cam be difficult for everyone. Putting someone else needs above your own grows old very quickly.

So why do we do it? Because the benefits of two people who love each other and have a genuine desire to live their lives together make it worth all the everyday tedium. At least for most of us. I love the saying ” I’ve been married for 15 years and at least 2-3 of them, I didn’t even LIKE him”. To me, that says it all. Its not easy but the benefits are worth it. If you make a commitment to marry each other, you need to stick with it.

But what about when its REALLY hard? I don’t just mean arguing over who needs to take the garbage out. I mean constant bickering over everything. I mean going out with friends to avoid your spouse. Volunteering to work late Because you can’t stand the thought of another night of disagreements with your spouse.

If you are on the brink of a divorce, you can still stop it. You do need motivation to save it. It doesn’t necessarily have to be both sides being motivated, but obviously your chances are better if both sides want to save the marriage. You can change the momentum of your relationship and turn it positive. You need to learn that arguing is a waste of time and learn practical and helpful solutions to your problems. If inequality or power is an issue in your relationship, there are ways to resolve it.

If you want or need to save your marriage, there is hope. It won’t be easy but you can find solutions to almost any problem that will allow you to work out your differences and stay married.

It’s not uncommon these days for people to divorce and remarry several times. I’ve personally counseled men and women who have gone though 8 and 9 divorces by the age of 40. Every time, the man or woman complains that each spouse turned out to be just like the last one. They can never understand how they keep marrying for the same nagging, controlling, selfish, angry “piece of garbage” that they just divorced. The following letter I recently received is a good example of this seemingly never-ending cycle:

“I divorced my first wife a year ago and married another woman several months ago. When we were dating, I thought my new wife was really different, but she’s already nagging me, telling me what to do, and complaining about what I don’t do for herjust like the first wife did. Why do women turn out to be so different than you thought? Are they just pretending when you’re dating? I’m thinking about getting divorced again, but maybe I should wait. What do you think?”

What we all want most is Real Lovewhat I call ‘unconditional love’but when we can’t get thatwhich is almost all the timewe settle for whatever makes us feel good temporarily: sex, money, entertainment, and the temporary approval of other people. Without Real Love, all those forms of Imitation Love seem like they make us happy, but the feeling never lasts.

That’s what’s happened with you and both your wives. Having little or no experience with Real Love, you were satisfied in the beginning with the physical beauty, conditional approval, sex, and whatever else you got from both women. And they were satisfied with the Imitation Love you gave them. But the effect of Imitation Love always wears off, and when that happened, you and your wives became dissatisfied. They began to complain that you weren’t making them “happy” as you once did. They didn’t realizeand you didn’t eitherthat your relationship was based on the exchange of Imitation Love instead of on Real Love. Such a relationship can never be genuinely happy. Your relationships were pretty much doomed from the moment you met these women. None of this was intentional on their part or yoursyou simply couldn’t give each other Real Love you’d never received.

You’re wondering why things were great in the beginning but then changed so much. Do women pretend to be something other than what they are? Yes, they do pretend, and so do men. We “put our best food forward” with people, not realizing that we’re actually deceiving them in an effort to get them to like us. You and your second wife, for example, each put your best foot forward, and after you got married, you both discovered that there was “another foot” and a whole lot more you didn’t count on. She was “happy” with you in the beginning because she liked your best footbecause she liked the Imitation Love you offeredbut when the initial excitement wore off, she became unhappy and wondered why you didn’t keep making her happy as you once did. She started nagging and making demands, hoping that if you gave her more Imitation Love she’d be happy. But of course that never works, because it was Real Love she needed.

The bottom line is this: You and your wives have tried to make each other happy without Real Love. That’s impossible. You tried harder. Same result. So what’s the solution? At this point the answer is certainly not to divorce your second wife. You’d be right back where you startedyou wouldn’t feel unconditionally loved, and you’d be certain to repeat this same pattern in your next relationship. What you need is to learn how to find Real Lovefrom your wife and othersand how to share it. You can read more about finding Real Love at http://www.RealLove.com.

With Real Love, you can’t imagine how different your relationships can be. You’ll discoverno surprisethat it’s always about Real Love.

Divorce is a difficult set of cards to manage; no matter who you are, what your reasons are for leaving, or how amicable your divorce is. It is difficult enough to give up on your “happily ever after” dreams, but to accept the broken pieces of your family unit is even more of a challenge.

The most difficult thing about divorce involving children is that you are now forced to continue a relationship with someone you either don’t get along with or that doesn’t function in the same way as you. On top of that, as easy as it would be to simply part ways, there is more than a property to settle on.

Studies have shown that divorce is not traumatic for children. Yet it is what occurs after the divorce that creates a traumatic experience. Being truly loved by both parents, regardless of whether they live under the same roof or not, is what affects them most.

But how do you stay focused on that love when you have a mix of emotions on a daily basis? How do you remove yourself from the upset that your ex-spouse imposes upon you? It’s challenging, but can be done by breaking down the simple steps of becoming co-parents:

1- Remind yourself daily that your job as a parent has not changed.
2- Visualize your role as co-parents with two hands out in front of you. Hands that will hold different things. One hand will hold the emotions you feel, while the other will hold what you will do. Close the emotional hand tightly and do what the other hand tells you to do, accepting that they won’t be the same any longer.
3- If you have anger for your ex-spouse, compartmentalize it and keep visualizing your children’s’ faces. These are the lives that you are impacting now.
4- Remember that even though you don’t need your ex-spouse, your children do.
5- Accept that the things that bother you about your ex-spouse are not things that bother your children.

Different can be good or bad, but you can impact the direction it goes. If it’s going to be different anyway, why not choose to make it something better than it has ever been? And when things seem really, really hard, look deep into those children’s eyes and remember who you are for them as a parent.

If you are in the unfortunate situation of getting divorced, then you may be wondering how to sort out your joint bank accounts. Whether the divorce is amicable or not, it is important that you both agree on how to split the monetary funds in your joint accounts so that you both get a fair deal. Here is some advice on how to handle joint bank accounts and the problem of divorce.

Freezing accounts

If you ware worried about funds in the account being removed, then you can get a freeze placed on the account which requires both parties to give permission before any money is removed. Although this may be a good temporary solution to avoid money being removed, it will obviously harm both of you if no money can be released. However, it is a good point to start from and ensures that the account remains untouched and there is motivation on both sides to solve the situation.

50/50 split

If the divorce is amicable and you feel that you are both of an equal financial standing, then the easiest way to sort out the problem of joint accounts is for one person to open a new account and deposit half of the money into that account. The other partner can then change the joint account to a single account, thus leaving each of you with half the money in the account. This is the quickest and easiest way to sort out any problems, but is not always possible if you are of different financial standings and an agreement cannot be reached.

Don’t leave the situation

Although you might think the situation will sort itself out, if your ex partner removes all of the money from the account and liquidates it without your knowledge, you could be left in serious financial trouble. Although you should be able to get the money back through the divorce settlement process, this could take months and leave you short of funds in the meantime. Whatever you do, make sure that you don’t just leave the situation to sort itself out.

Credit cards

If you hold joint credit cards, then it is important that you cancel your card and inform the bank in writing that you want to be removed from the credit card account due to impending divorce and that you will not be held responsible for any extra debts that are accumulated. Obviously, you will both still be responsible for any current debts, but make sure that anything your ex partner spends is not your concern. This applies to other bills such as phone bills etc.

Safety deposit boxes

Perhaps the hardest type of joint monetary asset to control is a safe deposit box. If one or both of you is self-employed then you might keep money in a safety deposit box. If you get divorced then there is no stopping one of you from emptying the box and leaving the other person with nothing. As soon as divorce is a possibility you should try and get the box frozen so that neither you nor your partner can access it on their own. If your bank won’t comply then take photos of the contents and get someone to sign it to confirm the contents in case they are removed. If you can remain civil with each other and take the necessary precautions, then you can both end up with the right amount of money from your joint accounts should divorce occur.

Divorce, even in the best of circumstances, is a painful process. It represents an ending to what has become familiar and normal. I know the sting of divorce. I have seen its ugly head rear up in my mind and in my heart without remorse or concern for my emotional well being or happiness. I know the pain of loss and the resulting low self-esteem at being left behind. It is not a happy time in anyone’s life. I would wish that you would never have to experience this in your life, but if you have, I can empathize with your grief and pain.

Divorce can bring out the worst in people: the greed, the envy, the desire to inflict suffering, and often even the joy of hurting someone they once loved. Why is this?

Divorce is about the loss of trust, respect, and love (even like and friendship) of your partner. It is often a forgone conclusion, when people are sharing their wedding vows, thinking, “This is wrong, I am making a mistake.” But, they push on in spite of these inner urgings against this decision.

It is important to understand that a successful marriage is not the result of falling in love. It is the result of (there are lots of characteristics, but here are a few of the most important ones):

commitment
acceptance
willingness to change and grow
ability to handle differences

Relationships don’t fail, people fail in them. A marriage is an entity without feelings, agendas, expectations and problems. These issues are in the people not in the relationship. Passion doesn’t leave a marriage; it leaves the people in it. So, what can you do? Spend time in honest non-blaming self-appraisal. Learn about yourself from it.

If you think that you will be ending your marriage in the near future and you are uncertain what the future will hold for you, you may want to start taking the right precautions now. You have to make sure that you are protecting your financial security for later.

Reduce unnecessary expenses as soon as you can. Meet with your spouse and agree to cancel utilities and other bills. You will probably need to have money later on and this is a way to save money. Sell off your personal property that you do not need or want anymore. You can do this now to avoid losing it later on.

Cancel all of your jointly owned credit cards. You both should agree to cancel the cards and get separate ones. You need to cancel the cards because the spouse can charge up all kinds of different charge on the cards and you will get stuck paying them back. Canceling the cards now can save you money that you will need to have later on.

You may want to separate the jointly owned bank accounts. If you have bank accounts together, you may want to divide the money first. If not, your spouse may decide to go and take care of the money on their own and leave you with nothing. If you have outstanding bills for the home, explain this to the spouse so that the arrangements can be made to pay for them. If you do open up a different bank account, do it at another bank. Do not stay with the same company.

Stop contributing to combined accounts like 401K and pension plans. Telling your place of employment usually does this. Make the necessary arrangements so that your money is not being added to this account. You have to do this until you find out what will happen to those accounts and who will benefit from them.

Keep your job or try and find one. You have to make sure that you are protecting yourself and able to raise your family. If you are not getting any income from your spouse, you will have to do something to support your monthly needs. You may want to ask your ’soon to be ex’ if they can help you financially until the divorce proceedings are over. This is only recommended if you are ending the divorce in a good way. If you are fighting over everything and not getting along, you need to contact your attorney and have them ask for you.

Most people become quite nervous when they have to reveal many things about a private period in their lives that were once confidential and taken for granted. This only makes matters worse and makes a visit with the lawyer discomforting if you can’t think what to ask and of course ease your nerves and anxiety. Hopefully these following questions will help you get through the meeting with the attorney without too much trouble.

These questions are important in that you should ask them of any divorce lawyer you are considering to help you through your case. Divorce lawyers differ in their approach from firm to firm and even though they have the same laws to work with.

Photocopy or print this page out so you can use it on the day.

- How long have you been practicing law?

- How much of your entire practice is specifically in family law?

- What is your hourly rate?

- Do you have other people who usually work on your cases with you? If so, what is their profession and experience?

- What do you charge for their time?

- What do you anticipate is the role that these people will have in my divorce?

- What is the retainer amount? Is any of it refunded if I should change my mind or we decide to not go through with the divorce?

- What other types of charges besides attorneys fees are there likely be? (Long distance telephone, copies, facsimile charges, etc.)

- Describe a time line for how you believe my divorce will progress.

- Do you have a set procedure for handling a divorce case? If so, please describe how you would proceed with a typical divorce case.

- What do you expect from me as a client?

- What percentage of your divorce cases are resolved by a trial versus the percentage that are settled?

Important: Once you’ve gained the answers to the questions above and any additional questions you may have added, be sure to ask what expectations do they have in relation to the outcome of the case given the information you have supplied. If you find they brush off any real answer, you may want to keep on looking. If they can’t give you a rough idea (based on your principal input) then this is not any good to you. You need to know approximately where you stand for many financial and planning purposes.

Divorce is something that does not only involves the parents but also affects the children in many ways. It is stressful for all of them. The effect of divorce on the children varies with the age of the children.

Anger, anxiety, sadness and a lot of other mixed feelings can be seen in the child when they know that their parents are going to separate. A sense of loss is what a child feels. So it is necessary to help them get out these situations in a smooth manner so that they can run their life without much difficulty. It is the duty of the parents to help this transition.

When the parents have decided to separate they should tell the child about their intention in a smooth manner. When they tell this to the child they both have to be present. It is not easy to convey this message to the child has you think. However it is your responsibility to tell that in such a way that it minimizes the sense of loss for the child. It is a very sensitive issue to deal.

Try to make it less painful for your child. You have to ensure the child that both your love and care would be always there to take care of the child. You can reveal your decision to divorce according to the age of the child.

There is no necessity to reveal all the details to the child. Keep it brief and truthful. There could be mixed emotions from the child when you tell them of your plans to separate. The reaction of the child would vary from crying to no reaction at all.

The child may get a lot confusion regarding their stay, or where to move. They may also think about where you will live. Whether they will continue with the present school or have to change to another one. They might also be worried about their current summer camp or whether they can still see their friends.

It is your duty as a parent to address these concerns of the child and assure them of the fact. This would help you to reduce the stress the child undergoes.

Eating and sleeping habits may change in the child. They may get angry often and cry for even the silly things. They may be angry with both the parents. Their stress may turn out to physical problems like upset of the stomach and headaches etc.

If they hope the family may reunite, you have to tell them the real situation but it is not necessary to give all the information at once. Tell them that they can spend time with both of you separately. Take care to help them to get over the situation smoothly as far as possible.

Tim Barton is the creator of the internet’s most complete collection of blogs on divorce. For information, advice, useful links and other resources, visit his website:http://www.ConcerningDivorce.com

In some cases, the date you separate can be important, as it affects the character of both income and liability for debts. In most cases, it won’t particularly matter whether separation was one date or another, so you can just pick a date that seems about right; but there are times when it can mean a great deal, as where a large debt was incurred or a big chunk of money earned near the end of the relationship.

The date of separation is whenever you can prove that one spouse intended to make a complete, final break (not just a temporary separation), with simultaneous conduct furthering that intent. Living physically apart is mandatory, which generally means a separate residence. It is possible to “live apart” in the same house, but this must be shown by clear, unambiguous conduct. Living physically apart does not, by itself, determine the matter because one can live apart without intending a final break. Courts consider evidence of all conduct and circumstances.

Let’s suppose the wife earned a large commission on April 1. And say that on January 15 she had said, “I’m leaving you for good and this isn’t like the other times I said it; this time I really mean it,” and the couple stopped sleeping together from that time on, but it took until April 15 for her to actually move out. The husband thinks the date of separation was April 15 so therefore the commission is community property and he should get half. The wife thinks the separation was on January 15 and her earnings thereafter are entirely her own.

Here’s another case. Does the wife have to pay half of a loan the husband took out two months before she moved out when six months ago he had announced (again) his intention of divorcing her and she believed him so she started sleeping with another guy? It’s often hard to say exactly when the separation actually took place. In these examples, any lawyer would be happy to argue either side, assuming the couple can’t work it out. This is when you need to weigh the cost of fighting against the amount at stake. Things usually work out better when you choose mediation instead of a legal battle in court.

Divorce

I started thinking about divorce and its consequences when I began a brief autobiography.

My marriage was far from perfect, (good would be an overstatement), but nothing had prepared me for what followed. Although I had worked most of my married life (one of us had to), I had not taken into consideration the feelings that come when you are suddenly alone in this big bad world. So I am writing this for anyone recently divorced. I can only write from a female point of view because I have not experienced anything other than that.

The first thing is - who can I count on. Who will be there if I need something? Family and friends help, to a certain point. Since they do not have to spend each night alone after the children have gone to bed, they cannot fully understand the loneliness that descends on you. They quickly tire of hearing your problems and offer no solutions that make sense. ‘Don’t worry, you will get over it’ is the most common response.

Everyone you know tells you to start dating again, but how can you. It has been years since you dated. What will you talk about? The other person does not want to hear about your children, or your job and that is what your life now consists of. You start forcing yourself to go out and be with other people. Bars and social scenes are the most common places to go, but you don’t like being alone and wish you had someone else with you to talk to. So you start sinking into depression. You might start thinking about your ex and the possibility of getting back together. The excuse you give is for the sake of the children. Forget it. There was a reason for the divorce and nothing will change it. Remember the reasons.

Now that I described what happens, here are some solutions. The most important one is you have to start liking yourself again. Do not accept guilt, especially when you look into the eyes of your children. Do not substitute your children for the adult companionship you need. You are the parent, the adult, they are children. You do not become their ‘best friend’ and start living vicariously through them. Realize the world might owe you nothing, but is yours for the taking.

You can join a church group, join a bowling team. Parents Without Partners is located in almost every major city. There you will find women in the same situation that can definitely relate to you. Go change your hair style. Treat yourself to a massage. Check your local paper to see what events are going to be happening, and go to any that sound interesting to you. Take night classes and learn how to paint, or garden, or speak another language. It does not matter, because you are with adults and not only relearning how to socialize in the adult world, but also how to get your confidence back. You will then find people listen to you. They want your opinion. You are learning to be ‘me’ again, instead of part of the team of ‘we’.

People will only respect you if you respect yourself. Whether the divorce was your fault or not, it does not matter. Stop beating yourself up because of it. One door of your life has closed, therefore let another one open. Think of something you do well, and perhaps you can start a small business from it. Are you a good cook? Have home made take out meals for the working family. Are you good at craft? Take some of your items to the local flea market to sell. Find something you enjoy doing and turn your hobby into a financial benefit. Once you do, you will see how much better you feel about yourself and your future.

Women do not realize they have a backbone of titanium. Any woman that can go through the pain of childbirth can achieve anything she sets out to do, anything. Once you can walk with your head held high again, the outside world suddenly is not such a bad place after all, and you will start looking forward to the days ahead.