You and your spouse gain assets and liabilities throughout your marriage. Unfortunately, if you decide to get divorced, you have to discuss clearly who gets what. Everything you have purchased, received, or saved while you are still living together should be divided accordingly. When this time comes, you should be ready to sit down with your soon-to-be-ex-spouse and negotiate a financial settlement.

Preparation for divorce settlement is as stressful as the negotiation itself. Thus, to get a successful settlement, you should primarily: (1) have a clear understanding of the present situation and (2) seek professional assistance from reliable lawyers to ensure the security of your interest.

Before sitting down for negotiation, make sure that you thoroughly consider the following things:

- Know exactly what your marital assets are

- Decide how you can both benefit from shared business or professional practice

- Consider support for the family, especially the children

- Determine and consider your pension and its beneficiaries

- Focus more on real value, rather than sentimental ones

- Differentiate what you need from what you want.

- Be realistic with your demands

Remember that you must be represented and advised well to be able to negotiate effectively. Know what part of your marital assets and married life you can realistically expect to keep, not only as you prepare to negotiate your settlement, but as you live your life apart from the other person.

A team of a lawyers, CDFA, and even a therapist (if emotional aspects become an issue for either of you) can help make you understand your rights, your needs, and your true feelings before you get ready to negotiate with your spouse.

Divorce can be one of the most stressful and difficult experiences you will ever face. It can be hard to think clearly and be rational during this emotional time. So do not forget to seek the help of reliable professionals during this trying time.

Divorce is never easy. When you select an attorney to represent you, he or she understands that. Your attorney and legal staff will guide you through the process. This is a list of the information your attorney’s office will need in order to protect your interests and prepare the necessary forms.

- Your full legal names, including maiden name of the wife.

- Your current address, and previous addresses. Be prepared to at least furnish your most recent previous address.

- Telephone numbers, fax numbers, e-mail address in order to reach you.

- Current contact information for your spouse.

- Social security numbers, dates and places of birth for you and your spouse.

- Place of your employment, how long employed there, salary.

- Employment information for you and your spouse.

- Provide any military service information for either spouse.

- Date and place of your marriage.

- How many prior marriages for both you and your spouse.

- Regarding children born of current marriage, their names, ages, dates of birth, and where they presently reside.

- List any retirement plans, pensions, IRA accounts, CDs for either spouse.

- Personal health insurance information and note which spouse is carrying it.

- List all other life, mortgage and personal property insurance coverages.

- A list of marital assets, including real estate, bank accounts, personal property owned by both.

- A list of non-marital assets, including real estate, bank accounts, personal property (this is property owned individually by you or your spouse).

- A list of liabilities, or debts, for both spouses. This includes loans, mortgages, and credit card balances.

**Note: Regarding real estate, you will be asked to provide information regarding the deed. If you have a copy of your deed, take it with you to the consultation.

You will be asked other pertinent information, such as any agreements you and your spouse have already reached regarding marital property, who will have primary residential custody of any children and what the proposed visitation arrangement may be. If you fear some areas are not in agreement, be prepared to tell your attorney what they are and how you wish them to be handled.

The requested information is confidential, and your attorney and staff are working for you. Most attorneys will have a questionnaire form you will be asked to fill out, either prior to the initial meeting or when you arrive. The form will include the items I listed in this article. Make your own list of any questions you want to discuss with your attorney and take it with you - you are understandably stressed and there’s a lot to cover. Your own list will ensure you remember to ask any particularly important questions.

Divorce is undoubtedly one of the most emotionally and financially difficult events in a persons life. Most of us have heard horror stories about custody battles and protracted litigation, or, perhaps, have experienced this first-hand. As divorce has become, unfortunately, more prevalent, the legal system has struggled with ways to minimize the impact of divorce, especially where children are concerned. Most people realize that divorce has a long term effect on children. What some may not realize is the extent of the emotional impact of a protracted and contested divorce on even small children.

In a collaborative divorce, the parties seek to minimize the amount of pain experienced by children and parents by agreeing not to go to court and instead to participate in a series of negotiations to address all aspects of their divorce. The parties agree that all discussions and information provided remains confidential The parties are not permitted to use threats of litigation, custody or otherwise. The parties are permitted to withdraw from the process, but, if either chooses to do so, both lawyers are prohibited from representing the parties in any divorce proceedings. If the parties reach an agreement, their lawyers prepare the necessary papers to finalize the divorce.

Collaborative lawyers are specially trained to work with their clients in this process. The parties and their lawyers also decide whether additional support professionals should be included within the collaborative team. These individuals are also trained in collaborative practice and assist with questions concerning finances and children. In addition to a financial advisor and a therapist, parties can also include a child specialist in the process.

In many situations, the children will be heard in the process through the child specialist, but will not participate directly. Even in cases where there is a minimal level of conflict, it may be in the children’s best interest to be kept out of the collaborative meetings. Having children attend one such meeting, even in a neutral non-adversarial setting, can place the children in the uncomfortable position of having to choose sides. By having the children speak to a child specialist, parents can give their children a say in the process without placing them squarely within a situation that may be too emotionally difficult for them.

Clients often question the cost of this process. Cost is a huge factor for most couples as they divorce. In a traditional divorce, litigants’ often have little or no over legal bills once the litigation template becomes the engine of their divorce. Litigants are completely unable to control the time their lawyers spend waiting in court to be heard, the volume and length of correspondence exchanged between counsel, or the extensive Pretrial discovery, required by the Court, but often not particularly needed by the clients.

Finding the right divorce lawyer for your divorce is more than just blindly pointing your finger at the first family law advertisement you see in the yellow pages. If you have a lot to lose, common sense tells that it is necessary to pick a divorce lawyer who has experience and reputation of settling intricate cases that involve assets, property, custody, etc.

Selecting a divorce lawyer to handle your case can be one of the most important decisions when considering a divorce. The stress that divorce battles bring to parents can be truly remarkable. Your divorce lawyer will either add to your frustration or ease the pain. Here are a few tips to consider when looking for a divorce lawyer.

Fees - Lawyers charge a lot, don’t they? Yes, they go to a very lengthy and a difficult schooling, which at the end is worth a lot. Many people try to hire divorce lawyers that charge less for their services. On the total opposite, some people with a sizeable income would hire expensive or renowned lawyers. The assumption here is that high-priced lawyers can do a better job representing your case. This claim has never been verified. For example, a costly lawyer may have few wins in court, whereas a somewhat new divorce lawyer may have an excellent winning track record. So, during your initial consultation with your prospective divorce lawyer it is vital that you have an open and an honest discussion about the fees and what you can expect. But, the fees need not to be the determining factor in the final decision of who would represent your case.

Experience and expertise - Experience is one very important factor in choosing your divorce lawyer. Additionally, it’s necessary for that lawyer to practice primarily in the field of divorce law. In some cases, people will hire a lawyer who practices outside this field, thinking that any lawyer will do. An experienced divorce lawyer will know the tendencies of the various judges in your jurisdiction and will be able to use this knowledge to your advantage.

Testimonials - One of the best ways to determine which divorce lawyer would be good for your divorce is to learn what former clients have to say about a particular lawyer. Don’t be afraid to ask around. If you do not know of anyone who has been a client of that particular divorce lawyer, at your initial appointment don’t be shy to ask your prospective lawyer for a list of past clients. While client confidentiality is very important, any “good” and experienced divorce lawyer would not be hiding anything and would have at least a few satisfied former clients who would be willing to vouch for him or her.

Accessibility and the “Likeable” element - It is extremely important that your divorce lawyer is easily accessible and prompt in responding to your phone calls, emails, and requests. Or, you’re going to get nothing but frustration. While you would care to ask for the lawyer’s office policy, don’t forget to ask the lawyer’s past clients if that particular lawyer was responsible enough to maintain an easy system of communication. And last but not least, do YOU personally like that particular divorce attorney? Do you feel comfortable talking to that lawyer, and are you confident in his or her abilities? If the answer is anything other than a definite “yes,” you need to keep looking. Your case is too important to entrust to someone who does not inspire your confidence. If you don’t like that particular lawyer for some reason and don’t feel comfortable talking to him or her, there might be other people (like the judges) that may not like that person for the same reason that you do, which may cause you to lose the case.

Disclaimer: The author and publisher of this article have done their best to give you useful, informative and accurate information. This article does not represent nor replace the legal advice you need to get from a lawyer, or other professional if the content of the article involves an issue you are facing. Laws vary from state-to-state and change from time-to-time. Always consult with a qualified professional before making any decisions about the issues described in this article. Thank you.

How could there be five good reasons to stop seeing your son I hear you ask. When I felt Jesus tell me to step out of my son’s life it was a hard day indeed. My wife had re- married and felt that her new husband would be more than adequate as a father to my son without me in his life. The choice not to fight for my rights was one that took me six months to decide before I gave in to the Holy Spirit.

First reason

My wife wanted it that way.

It made no sense to me to fight with my wife. It was her wish that I step out of my son’s life and it was unloving toward her to force my will against her will on this issue. She had just entered a new marriage and she didn’t need the strain of an ex- husband coming round every second week and having her son bring home stories. I was a mistake in her life and it was best to go and hide and stay in the cupboard and not come out and bring her life into shame.

I think many adults “grown adults” fight over children in a sort of emotional tug-of- war. It makes a lot of sense that a wife thinks you are no good if she is divorcing you and part of her motherly instinct is to get a good provider for your child. Part of that is being the father who loses a wife and loses your children. I heard one report in my country that up to 40% of divorced males do not see their children, that is very sad if that is true. I am one of those 40% and yet I am not fighting over my child and I am respecting my child’s mothers wishes and staying out of the way.

Second reason

My Lord wanted it that way.

My Lord Jesus made it quite clear that we are not to go to court and fight with a brother. In order to enforce custody rights I would have to take my wife to court and this was against the command of Jesus in the Gospels. Added to this the Lord Jesus told me quite clearly in my mind to walk away from the fight and trust in Him.

I look at Abraham who was asked to offer Isaac on an altar one day. The pain that would have sought to make Abraham disobey that command, is just too hard to contemplate. So walking away from my son caused me great pain but the Lord God Almighty had a reason for it and He is the one full of promises for His followers in the Bible and so all I can do is trust Him.

Third reason.

Her new husband wanted it that way.

I have a lot of respect for a man that takes on an unmarried single woman with a child. I have a great admiration for the man who married my former wife. He got a pretty girl and a wiser woman and I pray that they are going really well. As a man he didn’t want me coming round and upsetting his wife. He made it clear that he agreed with my former wife’s decision not to allow me access to my child.

I had to think. What was best for my child, to honour his mother and his new father’s desire or force my own self will against that of the Lord. I chose to bow down and take the fall. I was promised and re-assured that one day my son would return and I would be re-united with him. He is fifteen years of age today and so I don’t have long to go, as around 18 I am hoping he will come looking for me.

Fourth reason

My son would not have wanted his mother fighting with me.

My son would have suffered in two ways. He suffered in the way his mother hurt me and he suffered when I got angry at his mother and he was a helpless eight year old that was stuck in the middle. Though he would have missed me it would have been easier on him I am sure over the years than it has been on me.

There is an untold sort of damage that I could have done, disobeying his mother’s wishes. After all she is his mother however flawred I might think she was, she was his only mother and anything I did that was to make his mother upset would have hurt my son. So for my son’s best interests I simply gave up the fight and walked away.

Fifth reason

I did it for my good also.

At the beginning of September 2006 a friend of mine that can hear from God told me that God was sad I broke up with my wife but He broke us up as she had many breakdowns scheduled for my life. She helped me into my first breakdown and if I had have disobeyed the Lord and stayed in touch with my son, an evil presence from her would have seen to more suffering.

Two weeks ago this was comforting as it was coming up to father’s day one of my saddest days of the year. I would have never thought that all of my tears that have been shed since I lost my boy would have worked to my benefit but today I can see the wisdom in it now.

It’s hard to understand how evil spirits can reside in a Christian, but the fact of the matter is that they can. It was pretty powerful witchcraft that led to my first nervous breakdown and I could never understand what gave my wife such wisdom. Little did I know I was dealing with a fallen angel and all his knowledge.

I would not suggest any man leave children but if you find that your ex-wife wants you to stop seeing the children perhaps you might make the peace by agreeing. If your children are old enough perhaps you can write to them. I cry many tears and would be pleased to pray with you if you contact me.

God bless you

Without doubt, the number one issue in divorce centres around the children of the marriage. Unlike marital property disputes, which are usually determined “once and for all”, this is not the case when it comes to custody and access disputes. As circumstances change, either party may go back to court to challenge a custodial arrangement or to vary existing custody /access orders. This is where divorce gets messy and when this happens, it is the child or children of the marriage that suffer enormous damage. The underlying problem behind this is the all too common thought process of one or both parents, whereby the children of the marriage are no longer viewed as “our children” but “my children”.

This perceived change of ownership of the children is coming from the parent, not the children. To begin with, no one owns children. Secondly, if the children were “our children” during the marriage then what is the justification for referring to them as “my children” once the marriage has broken down? Is it because one or both parties now see themselves as sole parents? Is it because the custodial parent feels that having the day-to-day responsibility of the children entitles them to view the children in this way? Whatever the reason, it’s wrong.

It is the childrens’ perceptions that count here, not your own. There is a young 14 year boy called Bill who has his own website (called “Bills Areana) where he is pushing for Joint Physical Custody. Why? Because children do not see themselves as the children of one parent only and of course, they aren’t. Children do not want to used as pawns in the emotional battles of embittered or angry parents nor do they want one parent alienating them against the other.

It’s time the world grew up. Perhaps this is why Divorce Coaching is fast becoming a growth industry and is now being mandated as a pre-requisite to divorce in various jurisdictions. After decades of divorce and being second-generation divorcers ourselves, we appear to have learnt absolutely nothing about how to deal with it in a dignified and responsible manner. Thank goodness for the likes of Christina McGhee who is at the forefront of bringing about desirable divorce practices by emphasising how parents should separate their feelings from their kids’ feelings, and their situations from their kids’ situations.

The parents were Mom and Dad during the marriage and divorce doesn’t change that. When you’re talking to your children about their Mom or their Dad, refer to them that way and avoid any form of derogation of the other parent. The children don’t want to hear it and it will come back and bite you later on.

Stop damaging your kids and yourself unnecessarily in a divorce. In my book, “How To Win When Facing Divorce” when I refer to “winning” it is not about getting even with the other person. It is about fairness, equality and feeling good about the decisions you make. In order to achieve this, you must put your kids first, by separating your feelings and own situation. You’re not doing this if you view the children as “my children” rather than “our children”.

They say every cloud has a silver lining. I remember a day at a quarter to seven in the morning when my housemate woke me up by knocking at my door and telling me that there was a man at the door for me. It was a day when my college didn’t start until twelve midday and I was not due to be waking up for a couple of hours.

I stumbled downstairs in my bed clothes half asleep and a strange man was at the door waiting for me. He told me that he was here to serve court papers on me that were for my divorce. I told him I didn’t agree with the divorce and asked him what would happen if I didn’t sign for the papers. He said that would make the process longer and make the job harder but the divorce would still go through. So reluctantly I signed the papers.

Some months later I was in a kitchen cutting strips of carrot and other vegetables for a salad in college, training to be a chef. I was next to a good girl friend of mine whose name was Sara and we were busy chatting. Suddenly I remembered that it was that day that my divorce case was to be heard in court and my hands started to shake and tears started to form in my eyes. Cutting fine strips of carrot with a very sharp knife with hands that are shaking and eyes that are starting to blur due to tears is not a suggested practice for anyone and so I put down my knife.

The girl I loved with all of my heart was going before a court that day and telling the magistrate that our marriage had no hope of reconciliation and because she had not lived with me for a period of one year that he should divorce me. She was a born
again Christian, a girl attending church and had a new man she was engaged to marry and she was saying in front of a court full of strangers that my God could not fix our marriage.

I was so overcome by my tears that I began to sob and left the kitchen leaving all my knives on the bench. I was on my way to the change room to get my bag when someone tugged on my shoulder and I stopped. It was my friend Sara. When she asked me what was wrong I told her the truth and told her that I had no reason to live. She had met my son at one stage and she implored me to stay alive for the sake of my son and I left her with no promises and a heavy heart.

So where is the silver lining?

Well that was the storm cloud, now let me share the good part.

Since my wife left me I have come to really depend on the love of God and most importantly the love of Jesus Christ His Son. From age eight when I invited Jesus to come and live in my heart via His Holy Spirit I have always been open to him placing thoughts in my mind and yet as I pursued Jesus after my wife left me He spoke to me more clearly and became more of a friend to me.

He set me an assignment. He told me to read the four accounts of His life on earth from four of His followers and to look at all of the writing with three questions in mind.

1. Why did Jesus do that thing that he did.
2. How did Jesus feel when he was doing that thing that He did.
3. What did He really mean when He said what he did.

I have spent many hours in the four books called Matthew, Mark, Luke and John and still today I am getting fresh revelation into what happened in the life of Jesus that is recorded there.

It has taken me fourteen years and I think finally I am just getting to have a good working knowledge of what he meant in each of his parables. The stories he told seem so simple and most children can understand the stories when told to them, but the depth of wisdom in the parables is amazing.

The void my wife left in my life by divorcing me then years later entering into her second marriage to a pastor’s son has done me a tremendous amount of good and I love her so very much for her brave decision to tell me to go.

Losing the love of your life does not have to be the end of your life.

I would not swap the relationship I have with Jesus Christ here on earth even if she offered to come back to me with my child.

My wife was the prettiest girl I ever knew and she had the most lovely brown skin and she was half Lebanese Catholic in her heritage. Her mother was twice divorced and quite a bitter woman and her mother seemed to have conditions on her love for my wife Sharryn. My wife had to do things her mother’s way to earn approval and she seemed to be constantly trying to make her mother happy.

My wife’s father was a multimillionaire, was a very warm man who offered to teach us to ride Arabian horses and go for rides with him and his new wife. I only met him once and have had grief in my heart that I lost a great father in law.

But I have been to heaven five times and on one of the visits was taken by a young girl to see the stables in heaven where they keep the horses. I stood at the fence bordering on a lovely stable house and the grass that stretched in the paddock was so lush and so green. Though there were fences, I had the feeling that the horses were not constrained by the fences and they had the ability to go right through heaven according to their Creator’s wishes.

The heavenly Father loves me so much more than Sharryn’s mother loved her and even more then her earthly father could have loved me.

One time the Father in heaven requested me to sit on a throne right next to Him. That throne on His right is the throne of Jesus and when I sat down on the King of Kings’ throne, Jesus sang me a song in front of all the people in that throne room and all of the angels that I could see. My eyes filled with tears and today I cry with happiness with the fact that my wife left me and set me on a journey to see such magnificent sights.

There is joy and happiness in a close and obedient life to Jesus Christ and His teachings. My faith is very strong today and I seem to have a very good knack of praying prayers that get answered. In fact my prayers seem to be inspired by God himself and if they are His idea to start with then He certainly is going to answer them.

Each of my visits to heaven were very special to me and each touched a little part of my heart and did some inner healing. The time I met the young girl she told me that she talks to my son that I haven’t seen for seven years in his dreams and tells him about me. The joy that vision brought to my heart can only be expressed with you hearing me saying it and seeing me weep as I tell you.

I am so in love with God and Jesus now that I am becoming a better person. I have many deep rooted hurts inside me and I am still on a journey to fix up all that pain in my life, but I have found a love that simply can’t be found here on earth. I have been such a bad person on earth and running into the arms of prostitutes so long that when Jesus took me to see His Father in heaven I was full of fear as I thought I would be struck dead.

In my sex addiction I spent many years out of church, studying Jesus and His life but finding the touch and warmth of women as harlots. All the years when I have not been doing what the Bible teaches us has shown me the absolute perfect patience and love of God for me and all us humans. I have no shame in confessing that I had an addiction to the women that sell false love and I have a very deep understanding of people who don’t go to church because they think they are too bad a person for church.

I like to be honest. In one breath I tell you I have been to heaven five times in visions and within a few paragraphs I tell you on one visit I was scared of being struck dead by God because of my sex addiction. Many people think you have to be good to go to heaven, well my visits have proven that God even wants bad people up there too. The night God sat me on His Son’s throne and had His Son sing to me was one of the most earth shattering nights of my life. Twenty minutes and I was a different man.

All of this because my wife left me?

Yes, praise and glory be to God, He is the best script writer and a master story teller. His Son Jesus is very wise and He isn’t dead at all. Heaven is an amazing place and all the people mentioned in the Bible are real and I have met many of them up there.

Often times I have been walking down the street and seeing pictures in my mind and been wondering what I have been seeing and suddenly I am told I am seeing a part of Heaven. Oh my friends. Get to know Jesus. Go and have a look in those four books of the New Testament, Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.

Jesus is not the jerk people think He is and He isn’t some bad guy that wants to ruin your life with a whole set of rigid rules. He is the wisest human who has ever lived.

He did some pretty amazing things on earth. So amazing were the things He did, people simply don’t believe the accounts are real.

I have met Jesus and conversed with him forty five times on earth when he appeared to me as a spirit. I have had him speak to me for up to five minutes through the mouth of three different homeless people at different times. They have sort of gone into a trancelike state and started speaking in the third person. And if your view of the Bible can handle it, I have met him in the flesh once for a period of forty five minutes where he did three miracles to prove to me it was really Him.

Are you losing someone you love?

Is your partner leaving you?

Take a chance on Jesus, I know if you give Him an honest chance He will prove Himself loyal and forgiving and patient with you too.

I love my former wife so very much and respect her today more then I did when I was married. I pray for her and her family and I am so very thankful she left me. She propelled me into a life I never thought possible and one day I hope to meet her again and give her a book I have written that I have dedicated to the love I have for her.

Jesus loves you heaps more then I love my wife. He dedicated his life to you and died to wash away your pain and errors. Won’t you come out from under the cloud you are in and take a peek at His words on a page and give Him some room to move in your life?

I have to say that having the wife of your youth tell you to leave and not to come back is a very hard thing to hear. I don’t really think I fully understood the nursery rhyme Humpty Dumpty until that tragic day and the years that followed. But this article is about the positive things I learned.

Lesson one-I learned to love myself

I learned that a half a person and a half a person cannot combine and make two people, they only make what is called a co-dependant relationship. A person that feels that they are unworthy of love suddenly finding someone that loves them, is not good fortune. In many instances its simply a recipe for tragedy.

After my wife left me and the years that followed, I went through a process of healing and addressing the pain in my heart and came to a place where I learned to love myself. One way to find this love that God allowed was that I found out what I was good at. One day I wrote a poem and then it seemed good and I wrote another and then within a year I had hundreds and then within two years I had written a novel.

After a couple of novels and two movie screenplays I was confident that I was a gifted communicator and able to get my heart down on a page both in fiction and non fiction.

Lesson two- I learned to forgive

The years that passed after the marriage breakdown was hard for me as my former wife fought with me over custody and made it difficult to see my son on a few occasions. This culminated after a number of years when she told me that I could not see my son any more. She had recently re- married a lovely guy and they felt there was no need for me to be in my son’s life any more

This hurt me very deeply as I loved my eight year old boy Brandyn. Today it’s been seven years since I have seen my son and I miss him very much. I respect my former wife and her husband’s decision and have not been in contact all this time.

This pain ate at me for a number of years and I came to a point where I simply had to let go of all the pain and forgive. I started a process of remembering all the bad things that my wife had done to me and asking God to help me forgive my wife. Through the years I have applied this process to other relationships I have had also.

Today I am happy to say I love my wife more today than I loved her at any time while we were married. Today I love myself and I pray quite regularly for her marriage, her own inner healing and for that family to be blessed.

Lesson three- I developed a better relationship with Jesus Christ

For those of you who are not of the Christian faith I don’t mean to offend you, but I encourage you to read and I will try not to preach at you but simply continue sharing my story.

Up until the time my wife told me to leave, Jesus had always been important to me but he was always an optional extra in life and not my life’s central focus or desire. When the love of my life left me, my best friend, I was lost at sea and I was drowning and there did seem to be nothing to live for.

It’s as though Jesus came to me in that moment one day on a mountain top as the sun was setting and asked me to get serious with Him. I was so very sad, very suicidal and I had no other reason to live. Jesus encouraged me by speaking into my mind and gave me a purpose to do some research into Him and His life and get to know Him the best that I could.

Without a lady in my life, Jesus has been a whole lot more important to me than perhaps the average Christian guy and He has been very faithful to me, kind to me and gentle. He is a good teacher, He is patient with my sins and my faults and He gives me purpose and inspiration.

I cannot ever express fully enough the great service my wife did for me on that day by telling me to leave her. I cannot express how happy I am that she had the courage to give marriage a second go and close the door for me and her re-uniting as this pain has made my faith very strong.

Lesson four-I came to understand how Jesus feels about His church

In the Bible God speaks though human writers and compares Jesus’ relationship with His church as a bride and a groom. Jesus was single on earth and never married so that He could in fact take the place of being the groom to all the people that placed their faith in Him and chose Him to run their life.

So many Christians live a life where Jesus has become an optional extra like He was in my life. It’s as if they take other lovers and Jesus is left to weep and wish that they would simply have a more devoted relationship with Him. My wife left me for another man because I wasn’t fulfilling her heart’s desire well enough broke my heart and over the years I have come to have empathy with Jesus Christ where we relegate Him to second or third place in our life.

So many people have no real idea how much Jesus loves them and even though He has many commands in the Bible He doesn’t give them to be a “party pooper” but He gives them as wise directions on how to live a happy and fulfilled life on earth. Taking Jesus’ commands for a test drive and submitting to obey them is really a wonderful way to live and the more you obey and do things His way the more closer you seem to get to Him and you seem to see the profound depth in His simple teachings.

We often do not obey Jesus because we really don’t think He can love us and provide for us like another human can or a career can. We spend our energies on human relationships and spend our time doing things and we all seem to get too busy to spend an hour with Jesus and He really weeps with sorrow for us as He knows just how fulfilled and how happy would be if we simply loved Him like we would a real person on earth that wanted time with us each day.

Losing a wife, seeing her fall in love with another man gave me insight into how Jesus feels when we replace His place in our lives with other people and other activities.

Lesson five- I learned how God feels about all the humans that don’t know him.

Losing my wife was such a sad thing for me and I needed some really big help from a trained counsellor so that I did not kill myself.

One day in the garden of Eden God lost his family the humans that were to populate earth. He was so filled with sorrow, that in the garden He promised Adam that one day he would make a restoration.

Losing my wife was hard and seeing my son part time was hard, but when I lost total contact with my son, that hurt me so very much. God in his grace does not allow me to think of my son every day and this is good as it tears at my heart. Imagine how God feels with humans being born each day but never coming to know Him and trust in His Son Jesus Christ.

God lost his Son one day also when his Son’s spirit left heaven and went to earth in the baby Jesus. The “dark side” knew something was happening as the current king of the day slaughtered every single baby boy in the region under a certain age, just like the “dark side” did when Moses was born.

For a few years on earth I believe God was out of touch with his Son. There is no mention of the time when Jesus could hear His Father speaking to Him in the Bible and so most preachers are silent on it, but I reckon Jesus and God were not in communication for up to six years. This would have been heartbreaking to God and then some 33 years later He lost his son again as Jesus died on a cross.

People often ask “where was God when such and such happened?”

The best answer to that I have ever heard was, “The same place He was when they hung His naked Son on a cross and had to endure six hours agony before His death.”

Conclusion of the matter

There is always good that can come out of tragedy. My Son has had the love of two fathers. I had three years with a wife I loved and when she told me to leave it, set me on a journey to become a very nice man and one that has a very strong faith. Today I write, I share my faith with strangers, I preach at churches and I deliver free messages from God to strangers over the Internet. My life is full and one day I will be a full time preacher bringing a heartfelt message to people all around my Country as well as the world via the World Wide Web.

In all my tears there has been great benefit to me and others. If your partner has left you, take the opportunity to thank them and forgive them one day and get to work on yourself so that you can become a better person for other people to know and love.

Take a chance with Jesus and invite Him into your life if you don’t know Him and if you do, love your spouse as Christ loved His church and forgave her.

God bless.

448c

What makes a divorce so stressful? Generally you find divorce stressful because you have a great deal of yourself tied up in a relationship with someone you once loved or still love, and the divorce is much more than merely the legal process of saying “We’re no longer a couple.” It’s a multi-dimensional untangling of connections, separating two lives from one operational unit back into your individual lives. What you feel as emotional stress (loss, frustration, worry, anger and hurt, etc.) is the result of conflict - two opposing forces pushing or pulling against each other. One layer of conflict is the two of you no longer seeing eye to eye. Another, ultimately more important layer, relates to your own inner conflict over how to view the divorce, your ex and yourself. Many of your old and dear notions about how your life “should” unfold are being dashed on the rocks of someone else’s expectations.

Divorce is one of the most stressful situations in the Western world. For too many people, it is painful, ugly, and stressful for months if not years. It turns your world topsy turvy and your emotions inside out. Your self-esteem may bottom out, you may be anxious or depressed, and you’re quite likely struggling with financial fiascos, property problems and even worse, child custody conflicts. Just when your heart is broken because of parting from someone you once loved deeply, you have to cope with a mountain of other stressors related to loss and recreating your entire life to “single-hood.”

How can you use the turmoil of such a messy and difficult time to actually lift yourself to a higher level of living? It’s actually possible to go through a divorce (or the break-up of a long term relationship) without losing yourself, and to turn this stressful period into the positive growth experience of your life! You may be in such distress right now that it’s challenging to see how anyone could find anything of value in such an experience. If so, take a deep breath, steady yourself, and read a little further.

While each divorce is unique and the problems and needs of the couple who are “coming unglued” from each other vary widely, there are some common challenges and strategies for overcoming them. What I want you find in this article is 1) encouragement, and 2) several ideas that you can immediately apply to your individual situation.

If I Can, You Can
First of all, I know you can move out of the paralyzing pain of ending a marriage or relationship and into a positive and growthful outlook, because I did it! Not once, but twice. At age 27, despite deep emotional wounds, I made a decision that my divorce would be as amicable as possible. We were able to go through a no-fault procedure, and remained on peaceful speaking terms. I sought psychological counseling for a few months to support my process of reflection and redefining my life and my goals. I then embarked on a life-changing adventure, traveling to England where I lived and worked for two years.

In my late thirties, after a seven-year live-in relationship in which we were growing farther and farther apart, I said to my mate, “I think we can be better friends if we don’t live together.” I moved out and we handled property division in a simple and caring way. We had many lunches together to sort out feelings and find a basis for an ongoing friendship. Later, he met and happily “approved of” the man who is now my husband. To this day, we are friends and we speak by phone a few times a year. In the early months after splitting up, I did a tremendous amount of personal growth work with myself, based on reading, counseling, and experiences through church and other spiritual groups.

In addition, my husband has used a divorce to learn and grow, and his ex-wife has done the same! His previous wife is now one of my closest friends. That’s a long story for another article, but I just want you to know it’s possible to transform yourself, your outlook and your emotions even to the point of being on very friendly terms with your ex in a new form of relationship. You get to choose how far you want to take your growth process, but you absolutely do not have to settle for on-going misery!

In each of these cases where I have intimate knowledge of the process, here’s what it took to turn a potentially awful situation into personal growth and upliftment. Here are five brief comments based on personal experience, plus some suggestions to help you chart your course through the many stressors of your divorce.

1. No Blame. Knowing that every relationship has two players, and both are involved in the dynamics of how the relationship works or doesn’t work, we wanted to avoid blame and keep the process as clean, clear and loving as possible. We each knew that splitting up is painful enough, and we needed to bring extra loving and acceptance to the process.

Tip! Make some value on mutual interests. Couples who want to prevent divorce may find ways to have some moments where they can spend time and evaluate their emotions.

What You Can Do: When you find yourself blaming your ex, stop. Focusing on blame only locks your consciousness into the problem and creates more stress. Your unconscious mind says, “Oh, you are really putting a lot of energy into this problem . . . this must be what you want. . . .” Your unconscious mind then resonates on the stressful “problem frequency,” and attracts more of “the problem” into your life. (For a quick and easy guide to how this attraction principle works, you might want to watch the movie The Secret, available on line.)

Instead, when you are tempted to blame, you might tell yourself something like one of these statements:

• “I would much prefer that this didn’t happen the way it did. However, since it happened, obviously it provides a perfect opportunity for me to learn and grow now.” Then look for what you are learning from that experience. What’s the nugget of gold nestling within all the chaos, disturbance and stress?
• “That was what it was. What can I do now to move forward?” Focus on what you need to do next to take care of yourself now! How can you solve an immediate problem? (This will help with stress reduction on a very practical level.) What will help you create the new life you deserve, filled with love, harmony and prosperity? Take one small action step in your new direction, now.
• Or, find the things in your life right now that you can be thankful for, and fill yourself with gratitude. This might be as mundane as, “I’m grateful for a hot shower. I’m grateful for my toothbrush and clean teeth. I’m grateful for a bed to sleep in.” When you are grateful, tension and stress dissolve and your unconscious mind goes to work where you are focusing - on bringing you more relaxation and well-being, and more things to be grateful for!

Stopping the blame game redirects your energy into more positive avenues and frees you to focus on what you want for yourself!

2. Go Ahead and Grieve. We each acknowledged deep feelings of loss, and we went through the many stages of grieving, not denying the hurt but embracing ourselves in the grieving process.

What You Can Do: Be aware that grieving is a multi-stage process and the stages do not unfold neatly like pages in a book. The stages of grief can be unpredictable, unruly, and unsettling in the extreme.

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross has identified several processes, beginning with shock and paralysis at the bad news. (”We’re getting divorced.”) Most people experience denial, trying to avoid what is so, and anger over what they are facing. Many will bargain in vain - with God, with fate - saying, “If only you’ll change this, I’ll change my ways forever!” When people realize the inevitable, they often enter a time of depression. Later they may test their world, seeking workable solutions. When they eventually find their way forward, they have entered into acceptance.

Be compassionate with yourself and your process of grieving. This jumble of feelings is normal. Find safe ways to release your emotions, like talking to a trusted friend, writing in a journal, or walking or more vigorous exercise. If you find your emotions are frightening, or lasting unusually long, see your doctor or seek professional counseling.

3. Hold a Loving Intention. We each knew that our ex had many positive qualities or we wouldn’t have been attracted to him or her in the first place. We each cultivated an attitude and intention of loving our way through the conflicts as much as possible, with an end point of - at the very least - neutrality or an impersonal unconditional love.

What You Can Do: Spend some quiet time reflecting on how you want your divorce and divorce recovery process to end up. Can you imagine yourself being happy, loving, creative and fulfilled again? Can you imagine feeling neutral toward your ex? Can you imagine getting to a place (in time) of having a smooth working relationship - perhaps because you have children and need to handle visitation smoothly, or just because this is someone you once loved and you’d like to maintain a caring place in your heart for him or her?

If you are too angry, hurt and stressed right now to even imagine how such a switch is possible, it might be easier simply to focus on what you want for yourself as a loving intention. In time, as you feel better inwardly, you might be willing to create a vision of a neutral or positive future relationship as two separate entities - even if you can’t yet see how to get there!

In truth, you don’t need to know how it will happen. If you set a clear loving intention, the universe will bring you the steps you need to take in perfect timing, and the support so that you can take those steps. Vividly imagine yourself happy, joyful, blessed with fulfilling love and abundance in every way. Picture the kind of life you want, and imagine the way you want to feel. Make it real in your imagination and allow your unconscious mind to go to work to bring this picture into reality in perfect timing for you.

You might begin to talk to yourself along these lines: “I don’t know how it can work, but my intention is to experience a neutral, caring working relationship with my ex. I am willing to see things differently. I am willing to allow room for things to shift so that I can come to a neutral or even loving place inwardly, to work things out for the highest good of all concerned.”

Find your own positive words that make sense for you, but go for the best possible scenario you can imagine. Hold a vision, or a sense of what the end result can be. For instance, imagine seeing yourself handling visitation with humor, ease, respect and caring - and it’s mutual, and your kids are thriving because of your attitude. See it, feel it, and imagine or hear the positive flow of conversation.

4. Take Care of Yourself. We each knew that our first relationship was with our own inner self. For me, nurturing myself physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually was a huge key for success in getting through each break up.

What You Can Do: Be extra kind and gentle with yourself. When a relationship is crumbling to bits, it is natural to wonder, “What if I had done xyz differently?” It is also natural to feel some guilt or self-judgment, such as, “If only I hadn’t done such and such.” Or, “I shouldn’t have said abc.”

When these self-judgments and self-doubts arise, have compassion for yourself. You were doing the best you knew how at the time, given what you knew and what you had to work with. So why judge yourself now? That only adds a heavier burden to an already difficult emotional state within you.

You can also actually apply self-forgiveness, making statements to counteract the judgmental thoughts, such as, “I forgive myself for judging myself as being to blame. I forgive myself for judging myself as a loser. I forgive myself for judging myself as . . . (fill in the blank).” Do this as often as necessary, and give yourself space to let this forgiveness fill you emotionally. When you do, you will allow room for your self-loving to grow again.

Use your loving intention to guide your next steps in taking care of yourself. Ask yourself each morning, “What’s one thing I can do for myself today, just for me? What’s the most loving thing I can do or give to myself today?” When you are faced with choices and dilemmas, ask yourself, “What’s the most loving choice here?”

Your answers could be most anything, from talking to your best friend to seeking a counselor for professional support, from taking a bubble bath to taking a bike ride. The most loving choice could be to freeze your credit cards so you’ll think carefully before using them again. The most loving thing you can do for yourself could be getting a massage or giving yourself a foot massage, or listening to special music. It might be allowing yourself fifteen minutes to grieve before you go back to your busy life.

What would be the most loving and nurturing thing you could do for yourself right now?

5. Learn from the Past and Let It Go. We each had learning to assimilate based on the relationship just ending. I knew that I needed to become more aware and make changes inwardly so that I wouldn’t repeat my mistakes in any new relationship.

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What You Can Do: Reflect on the things that didn’t work. If you enjoy journal writing, write about them. Take a good look, without blaming either of you. See if you can simply observe the dynamics. Now look for what you learned from those situations. What were the gems of learning? What might you choose to do differently if you faced a similar situation again? Sometimes the learning is simply, “Well, I don’t want to do that again!”

Then look for the clues that led up to that disastrous situation, so you’ll know what to avoid in the future. My husband likens this process to sticking a bright marker in the ground so you can avoid “stepping into a well.” Next, acknowledge and appreciate yourself for learning from the past. Now bless these past situations - they are history! - and let them go! You might imagine letting them float away and dissipate like clouds in a sunny sky. All you need to keep is your valuable learning.

If you find yourself returning to thoughts of these past events, do a quick check: “Is there something more for me to learn from this?” If so, make that awareness conscious. Jot it down for future use. Then let it all go again! These events from the past are not who you are today. You are much bigger in consciousness than your divorce, your emotions, and any problems that you may face. You are bigger than this package of stressors involved in creating an individual life for yourself again.

In conclusion, don’t think you have to settle for years of a miserable, bleak outlook. You have choices every hour about how to approach the process of your divorce. Even though the relationship is changing form, and the two of you will not be loving each other the same way you did initially, you can still love yourself more and more each day! You can drop the blame and begin to look at your ex in a neutral way. You can be compassionate with your process of grieving. You can take small but powerful steps each day to resolve your problems. You can reduce stress by learning to take good care of yourself. You can learn from the past and let it go! You can hold a loving intention and begin to create a wonderful future.

I whole-heartedly encourage you to take any one of the strategies above and put it to work as you get busy taking your next steps from heartbreak to healing. Start preparing right now to claim an even better life ahead!

© 2006 Ilenya Marrin, DSS. All rights reserved. You may share or post this article elsewhere as along as all the links are included.

Creditor and liability problems can arise from a variety of sources, including divorce. Asset protection in divorce generally involves actions taken by spouses who want to protect their financial futures and avoid an unjust property division award.

Marital property consists of all income and assets acquired by either spouse during the marriage, even if an asset is in one spouse’s name. This marital property is subject to division between divorcing spouses. Distinct property, such as property owned prior to the marriage, your inheritance, and gifts are excluded from marital property; these types of property remain non-marital property and are not divided at the time of divorce.

Individual property can lose its identity if mixed with marital property. For example, if you deposit your pay check into your premarital savings or investment account after marriage, then that account is considered marital property. The same may happen with inheritance property, like a joint account with your spouse. If you wish to have your partner’s name on the deed and keep your entire equity or a particular portion of that equity, you should both sign an accord stating who possesses what piece of the property. Without an agreement, it will be treated as marital property and divided at the time of divorce.

There is a common custom in which some couples chose to sign prenuptial agreements to protect individual assets. A prenuptial agreement refers to a contract signed by spouses before a wedding; the agreement defines their property rights and expectations upon divorce. The agreement is also used to waive certain spousal inheritance rights, establish designated alimony, or even waive alimony, under certain situations. Courts will usually respect such agreements if they are drafted properly.

If your objective is solely asset protection in divorce, whether it is premarital, gift, or inheritance, a prenuptial agreement may not be necessary. Simply keep the non-marital asset separate. And think long and hard before you invest any large asset in your partner’s name.