Recovering from divorce can seem like a dark endless tunnel. The divorce process is emotionally draining, time consuming and downright miserable. During the midst of my divorce, I discovered the necessity of learning to love and take care of myself. I am sharing with you 7 ways of loving and rejuvenating yourself through what seems like a dark tunnel.

Way 1: Play with yourself –Take yourself on a play date.

Do something fun that you haven’t done before or haven’t done in a long time. This gives you an opportunity to enjoy time with yourself. Treat yourself to a movie-the kind you love but your spouse would have hated.

Way 2: Play with children.

Divorce can be hard on children. If you have children, make play dates with them and spend time laughing and doing some of their favorite activities. Give them time to spend with their friends. Laugher and play are healing and will give the children wonderful memories to cherish during this trying time. If you don’t have children, find one or some to hang out with or find the child in you by playing–swing, roller skate, Go-kart. Laughter and play will raise your spirit.

Way 3: Get plenty of rest.

Your body needs plenty of sleep for healing and repair. Sleep deprivation can keep your emotions on edge and raw. Do something calming such as meditation or drinking chamomile tea to relax before turning in for the night. Of course, don’t attempt to spend all of your time in bed wallowing in misery either.

Way 4: Indulge in a treat for your body.

Be careful of making any drastic changes. If you’d been eyeing a new hairstyle for while, consider doing it. However, it is best to do minor changes that may complement your current style, such as highlights, a good trim or shape up. Get a spa treatment such as a manicure, pedicure, facial or massage.

Way 5: Makeover your wardrobe.

Your clothes can determine how you feel throughout the day. Wearing a piece of clothing or jewelry that you really like gives you a good feeling. Look for a piece to add to your wardrobe that makes you feel really sexy. Buy sexy under garments that only you know are underneath. Look for colors that look good on you. Find clothes that match your body type. It is nothing like having the soon-to-be-ex wondering why you look so good.

Way 6: Change your living space.

Since this was a space that you shared with your spouse, make some changes that reflect you. Redo your bedroom with a new color scheme. Buy a new comforter and/or a set of new sheets. Rearrange the furniture in as many rooms as possible. All or any of these moves will shift the energy of the space which in turn shifts your mood and makes the space feel new and all yours.

Way 7: Take a mini vacation.

How far you travel is not the key. The main point is that you need some time away from the hum-drum and drama that your divorce may bring. If your finances don’t allow you to leave your area then spend a night or weekend out with friends. Get out of your regular space and regular routine.

Divorce is a hot issue in today’s family system. It creates issues that affect not only the parents but the children and society as whole. Whatever the circumstances may be, it is the children that are usually most affected by the ravages brought about by separation.

Emotional repercussion and conflicts can be somewhat avoided if parents will work hand-in-hand to rebuild their relationship to as normal a state as possibe. While the marriage may have failed, it is important that the children sense at least a civil relationship between their parents. The children must maintain a relationship with both parents after a divorce, and it does no good for them to hear each parent degrading the other.

This attitude of cooperation can work very well, in theory, if both parents are committed for their children’s sake.

It is very important, after divorce, that the children do not feel left-out and forsaken as a result of the failed marriage. More often than not, parents fail to understand the importance of a good relationship after they call it quits.

Rebuilding “family” after divorce is difficult, but through sheer commitment and understanding, both parents should be able to raise their children with hope and respect.

Rebuilding A Broken Relationship

For most people, a broken relationship will remain “broken” no matter what. But, through the course of time, and perhaps some counceling, parents learn to realize the importance of working out a relationship with their children after the failed marriage, as well as with their ex-spouce. It is important for divorced parents to maintain a cordial attitude with one another, especially when around the children, or when discussing issues that involve the children.

Being Involved

The process of “rebuilding” a broken relationship is difficult when both parents, together with their children, no longer feel comfortable with one another. While difficult, there are a limitless number of activities you can actually do in order to help get your relationship back to an acceptable condition.

a. Cook Out - Meeting the needs of your children cannot be fulfilled by financial settlements and other monetary-related obligations. Inexpensive activities such as a family cookout is a sure way of soothing relationships and maintaining respectful treatment of one another.

b. Outdoor Activities - A day at the park, a day at the beach, or even a shopping trip with your children is a good way for each parent to promote individual bonding with the children. This type of activity provides an opportunity for the non-custodial parent to track school activities and progress, catch up on their childs relationships, as well as the childs overall health.

c. Movies - Going to the movies provides a fun atmosphere for both the divorced parent and the children. This is a great way to spend some one-on-one time togeather and should not be overlooked.

d. Play Time - This activity is applicable for families where the children’s age range is from 3 to 10. This is also a perfect time for both parents to share a bonding activity with their children, and somewhat minimizes the effects of divorce on younger children.

e. Educational Field Trips - Security is everybody’s business, especially in divorced families. More and more families are beginning to accept the culture of togetherness, even when divorced, as an opportunity to help the children to feel as secure as possible under the circumstances.

There really is only one main point here; it is the divorced parents responsibility to put aside their differences in order to minimize the bad effects their divorce will have on their children.

Positive behavior after a negative divorce is hard to come by, let alone if there are children and babies in the failed marriage.

It takes a mature parent to put animosity and heartbreak aside to allow the ex-partner in the same room with him or her and their children. If there is an infant in the picture, however, this is exactly what that person needs to do, provided that the ex is mentally balanced and not violent.

Consistent physical custody is especially important for an infant, which means one or the other parent but usually the mother will have the baby with her at all times, at least until the baby is two to three years old. If the custody of the baby is shared, for the welfare of the baby, one of the partners has to be able to give up on the baby’s sleeping over in his house, because babies who are made to spend time in two different homes with two different parents will have problems bonding with their parents or with anyone else.

According to a California study, infants and babies who had overnight visits in two different homes with two different parents developed attachment problems in comparison with the infants and babies who saw their fathers during daytime visits. The babies who went back and forth between two parents were distrustful of everyone and could not handle the separations and meeting new people very well, because especially during the first year of life, a baby needs to attach to one primary parent figure and does not need the separation anxiety that comes from being toted from one home to another.

Although no two babies are alike, their needs for affection, consistency, and physical care are the same. To a new-born, mother and father are security; mother and father are the people the baby learns to rely on to be always there for him. For that feeling of security to develop properly, a baby needs constancy. Since in its essence divorce harms that constancy, parents need to put their differences aside and step in to make life as easy as possible for their baby; therefore, it is highly advisable for the divorced parents to allow the baby to stay with only one of them while the other parent pays daytime visits frequently.

A baby’s sensory tools are very sharp, especially when he is too little to learn communication through words. He senses the changes in his surroundings and the negative or positive feelings exchanged inside a room.

The divorced parents, no matter what their differences, need to be able to talk to each other in a civilized manner making their baby’s needs their priority. If one of the parents has an emotion control problem, then the other parent can see the baby in a more neutral environment such as in a friend’s house or a public place like a park or a diner with the baby’s primary parent present, since people are less likely to act out in a public place.

Important tips for divorced parents during visitation in their baby’s first year of life:

1. Stick to the business of parenting, even if you are suffering or you feel angry or you wish to act upon an ulterior motive like encouraging your ex to come back. Do not ever attempt to use the visitation time with the baby for a possible reconciliation.

2. Do not bring up past grievances; if you need to discuss any potentially explosive issues, for example child support, do it in a different time and place when the baby and the other children are not present.

3. Be honest and straightforward with your ex and stick to the issue at hand like teething or formula change. Especially when the baby and other children are there, don’t let any one issue lead you to a negative encounter. Your positive behavior encourages your ex to act the same way.

4. Be ready to compromise. If the visitation time and place needs a change, try to accommodate your ex.

5. Respect each other. By respecting each other, you are also teaching respect to your baby and other children if you have them

6. If you can, try to develop empathy for your ex. Try to imagine his or her difficulties.

7. If you have other children with the ex, stay away from giving them the finer details of your relationship with the ex. If the other children act on negative knowledge, that will affect the baby.

8. Do not feel guilty about the divorce and do not base your actions upon guilt feelings. If it was at all possible, you would make your marriage work; plus, children with happily divorced parents are better off than those children in an unhappy marriage.

9. If your ex has a new partner, try to establish a friendly relationship. The new partner will have an important role in your children’s lives.

10. Do not worry too much for things you cannot control. Babies are sturdy. Even if they are stressed earlier in life, they will develop well when their circumstances are improved.

According to Arizona’s divorce laws, you do not need to provide grounds for dissolution of a marriage as long as you are able to prove irretrievable breakdown of your marriage. Under Arizona law, both spouses must have resided in the state for more than 90 days prior to filing the divorce suit.

In a divorce suit, there are often many other petitions filed along with the separation. For instance, there are often petitions filed for alimony and child custody. It can be very complicated, and you need to seek the services of a professional divorce lawyer who specializes in family law. The job of a professional divorce lawyer is not merely getting the divorce. Lawyers often act as mediators trying to bring the couple to settlement. In some cases, a lawyer helps to resolve conflicts actually bringing couples back together. However in most cases, there is no reconciliation, and a divorce lawyer will try to get full compensation and justice for their party. A divorce lawyer provides sound legal advice and guides his client to avoid mistakes at the time of the dissolution of the marriage.

You can search for a divorce lawyer by asking family or friends, through the State Bar Association of Arizona, the Internet or yellow pages. Once you have narrowed down the list of possible Arizona divorce lawyers to a handful, talk with them all, one at a time. Decide who will work with you the best, then make a decision as to whether to hire him or her.

Assuming that you have several prospective divorce lawyers in mind to handle your divorce or custody case, you must investigate the qualifications of each attorney. Before investigating the qualifications of each attorney, you would be wise to set the bar on the minimum qualifications that are acceptable to you. An attorney’s qualifications in the following 5 areas will help you in your investigation.

(1) Percentage of practice devoted to family law
(2) Years of experience
(3) Certified specialist
(4) Law school and education
(5) Memberships

Percentage of practice devoted to family law
An attorney’s percentage of practice devoted to family law will help you assess how much experience and expertise he/she has with divorce and custody related issues. An attorney whose practice is 100% devoted to family law issues, such as divorce and custody, will likely have more expertise and familiarity with handling such cases than an attorney whose practice is not 100% devoted to family law.

Years of experience
An attorney is often valued by the number of years of experience they have in a particular area of law. The more years of experience an attorney has in family law, the more they can typically demand for his/her fees. Further, the more years of experience an attorney has with divorce or custody cases, the more likely he/she has worked on a case similar to yours and help you learn what you can likely expect and what the costs will be.

Certified specialist
Is the attorney a certified family law specialist? Some attorneys may seek to become a certified family law specialist by demonstrating extensive experience and testing in the field of family law. There are certainly attorneys with experienced and expertise in family law that have not sought out to become a certified family law specialist. Attorneys that advertise themselves as “certified specialists” may demand a higher fee.

Education
The fact that an attorney graduated from a prestigious law school does not necessarily guarantee that he/she is more qualified and more experienced in the field of family law than an attorney that has not graduated from a prestigious law school. The law school is however still something worth exploring because it may demonstrate how serious, dedicated, and committed the attorney was to his/her education. Additionally, some attorneys may have various education such as being a Certified Public Accountant or Licensed Clinical Psychologist. You will need to determine the value of the different education an attorney has and the cost that may go along with it.

Memberships
An attorney that has taken interest in the field of family law will often have memberships to organizations in the field of family law. Some memberships are available to any lawyer and some memberships are more difficult to obtain. An attorney that does not have any memberships to organizations in the field of law can often create doubt in the consumers mind about their interest in that field.

The information above about an attorneys qualifications can often be found through the State Bar website or through the Bar Association. As you seek to know more about an attorney’s qualifications, it is ultimately up to you to investigate the attorneys qualifications and set the bar on the minimum qualifications that are acceptable to you.

© 2006 Child Custody Coach

In some cases, a divorce can drag on for months, which can cause much emotional and psychological pain to a family, not to mention high financial costs. This usually happens when the parties are not very willing to negotiate because of the bitterness and anger that the parties feel towards each other. This also happens because there are cases during which the adversarial nature of legal proceedings that characterize the justice system hinders the parties from coming together for a settlement.

However, in cases wherein parties are willing to negotiate, the parties to a divorce need not suffer a long and painful process of settling a divorce in court, as there is a less painful and less expensive alternative to court proceedings. This alternative is Divorce Mediation, which is a more civil and less emotionally grueling process of reaching a divorce settlement.

What is mediation?

Using the mediation option in a divorce means that the parties would undergo a legal process wherein a trained, impartial third party would offer his services in the form of advice and assistance, which are all aimed at helping a couple reach an agreement. In this process, the parties still need the help of their respective lawyers so that they can be informed on the specific procedures and the consequences of reaching an agreement through mediation. The mediation process is not adversarial in nature, which can mean that if the mediation is successful, the stresses and the costs that are involved in the legal battles of divorce in the courts can be avoided by the couple.

In addition, studies have also shown that couples who go through the more “friendly” and civil process of mediation come out of the process more satisfied with the agreements (Separation Agreement) that have been reached. Lastly, this process has also been proven to be effective in minimizing the trauma that the children go through when their parents decide to part ways.

Going through a divorce need not be more painful than it has to be; neither does it have to be expensive. This is because there is an alternative process that couples can go through, which has been proven to be a more civil, less painful, and a more practical option of reaching a divorce settlement, which is mediation.

Here is a prayer that the Lord gave me for some couples that were facing possible divorce. My hope and prayer is that it will be a blessing to you and others that you know. I truly believe that prayer has the power to change things. God’s Word says, “The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective”. (James 5:16) I encourage you, my brothers and sisters in Christ, to be bold and let your voice and prayers be lifted up as a fragrant incense into the very throne room of God.

Thank you, Father that you have instituted the covenant of marriage. Father, as Your Word says in Genesis, Matthew, Mark, and Ephesians that in the beginning of creation You made male and female, and for this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate. And again in Malachi it is written, “Has not the Lord made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his”. And it is also written in 1 Corinthians that each one should retain the place in life that the Lord assigned to him and to which God has called him. And again in Malachi it says to guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth. You said, Lord, that you hate divorce. Therefore, Lord, we come against divorce.

Your word says that whatever we bind on earth is bound in heaven and whatever we loose on earth is loosed in heaven. Therefore we bind up the lies of the enemy that are coming against the minds and spirits of the men and women of Your church, Lord. We bind up doubt and we loose truth, we bind up confusion and we loose a sound mind, we bind up rebellion and we loose obedience and submissiveness to You, Lord, and Your Word. We bind up any roots of bitterness and we loose forgiveness, we bind up rejection and we loose the spirit of adoption, we bind up the spirit of lust and we loose faithfulness and purity.

Father, We stand against divorce in every way. Help us to hate it as much as you do. Father, We acknowledge that satan is a defeated foe. He is void of any power. For Jesus conquered him and made an open show of him, humiliating him in front of all our enemies. And we as believers, have been given all power and authority over the enemy and his lies. For your Word says that all authority had been given to you and that you gave it to us. Your word says that we are co-heirs with Jesus, and that we are seated together with Him in the heavenly realms. Far above all power, principalities, authorities and the rulers of darkness in this present world and in the one to come. The enemy is under our feet. Therefore we are putting satan and all the demons of hell on notice right now that we are standing in the full authority of the Name of Jesus that was given to us and that they are loosed from their assignment against the marriage of ___________________________________ (fill in the blank with the name of the family you are praying for).

We cover this marriage with the precious blood of Jesus and we confess that this is a pure and godly marriage. That _______________________(names of the couple you are praying for) are actually one flesh, for this is written in God’s Word. We call them back to the covenant relationship with the spouse that God has placed them with. We call them back to their homes and say that they will not break covenant with the wife/husband of their youth. We break the hold that the enemy has on their mind and we bring all their thoughts captive to the lordship and obedience of Jesus Christ. We loose them to think on things which are just, lovely, pure, honest, holy and of good report. If there is any virtue, if there is any praise, these are the things they will think on.

The lies of the enemy we expose. They shall know the truth and the truth shall set them free. For it is for freedom that Christ has died, therefore they stand firm and do not allow themselves to be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. Arise and shine O sleeper, for the glory of the Lord shines among you .We call _______________________ (names of the people you are praying for), to take their rightful, God-ordained place in the family. Father, we pray that their will, will line up with Your will. We pray that their spirits will be stirred up within them to be pleasing in Your eyes, Lord. Give them a burning desire to grow closer to You in every way, and teach them obedience, Lord. Save them from themselves and from their enemies. Give them eyes to see and ears to hear what the Holy Spirit is speaking to them. May their spouses and their families be always in their mind and thoughts, always before their eyes. May they think on them every waking moment and when they go to sleep. May their thoughts towards them be good, and just and may they long for them, Lord. Oh, may their hearts break at the thought of being separated from them even one more day.

Lord, the King’s heart is in your hands, direct it like a watercourse back to their spouse and their family. May they put on themselves love that binds them together in perfect unity. Father, place in them the agapao love for each other. A love that enables the men to love their wives as Christ loves the church, a love that enables a wife to be submissive towards her husband and that her eyes and heart and desire will always be for her husband. A pure love, a lasting love. Father, in the beginning, You said, and it was so. Your word tells us to have the faith of God and to be imitators of God. Your word also says that Your word will not return void but will accomplish that which it was sent forth to do. Therefore, the things we have spoken tonight are so. They have been spoken into existence. Your word says that you say “Yes” to all your promises And if two or more agree on anything that it shall be done for us. Therefore we confess these things as done.

Now Lord, because Your word says that we are trapped by what we say, that we are ensnared by the words of our mouths we ask you to, set a guard over our mouths keep watch over the doors of our lips. Let not one word of doubt come out of our mouths. Help us to speak words of life, faith and truth according to Your word. We thank You, Lord, and we pray all things in Jesus name and say,” Amen” to the glory of God.

Sandra Clukey, Slideshow Consultant and Creator for Sands of Time Multimedia Creations, http://sandsoftimemultimediacreations.com/.

1) Write a mission statement:

Most brides spend more time planning for their wedding day than for the marriage itself and are unprepared for what happens after the “I do.” More than half of newlyweds will struggle to maintain a fraction of the friendship they now enjoy with their spouse. Lack of a realistic vision of how married life will be or a plan to help this vision manifest is the first mistake many new brides make. If you and your mate have been functioning without written objectives, you must come together and create a concise set of goals for your family unit and institute a plan of action to achieve these goals. An individual goal should never undermine or take precedence over a mutual goal. You must train yourself to think, work and play as a team. Selfish behavior is like poison to any marriage and helps to guarantee a quick demise.

2) Don’t withhold sex from your mate:

Married men resent when women use sex as a bargaining chip and make them feel that lovemaking is something they have to earn. Over a long period of time, this type of manipulation can prove disastrous. When you enter into matrimony you are agreeing to be solely responsible for fulfilling your husband’s sexual needs, unless you are a swinger. Men have no problem separating their emotions from their physical desires, which is why they still expect hot sex after a heated argument.

3) Don’t compete with the people/things that he loves:

So … you’ve always hated his pesky childhood friend who is constantly around or his love affair with Play Station 2, but you’re holding your peace until after the big day. Huge mistake! Never wait until after the wedding to start a turf war with the things or people your husband loves. Instead, you should be making plans on how you can incorporate them into your life in a way that both you and your husband can appreciate. Perhaps his pesky best friend is talented with wood work and can help you restore a family heirloom, or maybe you can convert the bedroom into a scene from a Play Station 2, complete with interesting bonus points. Whatever you decide, remember that your husband is a grown man and not a child; you cannot choose his friends or predilections. As problems arise in your marriage, search for solutions that bring you closer together and not drive you apart.

4) Plan ahead:

Small things make a big difference and will help to determine if your husband enjoys the prospect of getting out of bed and starting another day with you. What is the atmosphere in your home in the morning? Is there peace or is there confusion? Does your day begin with disorganization or is your home running like a well-constructed device.

Unnecessary drama can be avoided with organization. As your marriage evolves and expands to include children or aging parents, good organizational skills will be paramount to your relationships success. Careful thought should go into the daily atmosphere within your home. It is a refuge and sanctuary for your man or a place from which to retreat?

5) Find an experienced mentor and confidant:

The intimate details of your relationship with your spouse should only be shared with a trusted few. The women you meet in church are no exception to this rule. Anyone can be tempted when given enough information and ammunition. And many husbands have been led astray inside the house of the Lord. Find an older more experienced couple to mentor you and your mate. Plan a monthly activity with your mentors when possible. Don’t discuss your man or marriage with your girlfriends who do not like your spouse or with your girlfriends who are angry with men in general. This almost guarantees that you will receive tainted advice. Seek out positive supporters who can encourage you. Remember that an ally builds and an adversary destroys.

6) Leave the past behind:

Everyone brings a little baggage from their past relationships, but this needs to be kept to a minimum. Think travel bag and not suitcase. The past should be used only as a guide
to reflect on the victories you’ve one, the obstacles you’ve overcome and the lessons you’ve learned amidst your failures. Do not wallow in the past or on past offences. Do not spend time obsessing on past relationships, or worse, obsessing on the past relationships of your spouse. After all, he chose you.

7) Never fake an orgasm:

Why do this? Really? I’m intrigued about the type of woman who pretends her husband is getting her off when he is not. I think faking an orgasm is a cop out for those who lack the communications skills or experience necessary to convey what they really want. This is a deceitful practice and it ensures that your husband will remain at a disadvantage through the duration of your marriage. It can also cause you to have a wandering eye. If your mate does not sexually fulfill you, as you would like, find a constructive way to tell him. You should be able to convey exactly where the problem lies and how the problem can be corrected. Many women do not realize that they are putting their mates at a disadvantage if they are relying solely on his previous experience. Take time to explore your own body and be able to communicate what you have learned. If you don’t know what you want, why should he?

Be quick to offer forgiveness:

An unforgiving spirit will devastate any relationship. Mercy is not based on merit but on the condition of your heart. You either choose to extend it or you don’t. Once you have offered forgiveness to your mate, never bring up his past offences in a future argument. Old wounds continually reopened can’t heal.

Sought-after relationship coach and motivational speaker Xxavier T. is the author of Treat Your Man Like A V.I.P.: Topless Tactics You Were Never Taught. Xxavier holds a degree in psychology from Southern University at New Orleans, but maintains that the majority of her expertise is based on the first principal of discovery …observation. Xxavier writes a romance column for Offline Magazine that can also be accessed via the internet at http://neworleansblack.com/romance/index.php or browse Xxavier’s book at http://centurionhouse.net/browse_book.htm

Take this quick test:

Were either of you under 22 when you married?

Did either of you not get your high school diploma or GED?

Do you make under $24,000/year as a couple?

Are you two of different religions?

Did either of your parents divorce?

Are you or your spouse very critical of each other?

Are you or your spouse very defensive? Do either of you need the last word?

Do you tend to withdraw from each another?

Do either one of you feel contempt for the other?

The more you answered “yes” to these questions, the higher is your risk for divorce. Those who answer “no” generally have more realistic expectations of one another and their marriage. They tend to communicate better, use more effective problem solving skills and are found to have higher compatibility scores.

What type of person is most likely to benefit from marriage counseling? Well, everything else being equal, women seem to learn more from it than their spouses.

What type of couple benefits the most from marriage counseling? The answer is younger, communicative, educated, egalitarian, still loving and relatively open-minded couples.

Everything else being equal, important factors associated with unsuccessful marital therapy include: Procrastinating before seeking help, spouses who are determined to get a divorce and/or those who is closed to any new suggestions.

Dr John Gottman’s research discovered that all couples experience conflict in their marriages but the happier ones manage their disagreements better because of a foundation of affection and friendship which they previously developed. Those without this foundation don’t appear to have the commitment, motivation or skill to problem-solve effectively under high stress.

Bottom line - if you really care about your marriage and think it may be in trouble, don’t wait. Seek marriage counseling as soon as you notice the warning signs and make a committment to be open-minded during the process.

Copyright, Shery, 2006

Dr Shery is in Cary, Illinois, near Algonquin, Crystal Lake, Marengo and Lake-in-the-Hills. He’s a marriage counselor and psychologist who treats depression and anxiety. Make an appt or get his FREE newsletter at: http://www.nextdayappointment.com

If you are in a sexless marriage and are unhappy because of it, don’t worry, it isn’t unrecoverable but it is serious cause for concern. You may even be thinking that you need a divorce because of your sexless marriage, that’s only natural. But, in order to really decide what to do, some thinking needs to be done so you feel good about your decision, regardless if you stay married or not.

Being stuck in a sexless marriage can have you feeling a wide range of feelings from loneliness, listlessness, confusion, unconfident, etc. These feelings come about for a variety of reasons and they can be overcome if you just figure out why you’re in a sexless marriage. You need to get to the root of the problem and uncover the real reasons that you and your spouse are no longer sexually active assuming of course, you once were!

To get to the heart of the causes for a sexless marriage will take some time. On the surface, you may be thinking that the cause of your sexless marriage may include one or more of the following scenarios:

Sexless Marriage: “We both work too much!”:

You both work extremely hard and there just never seems to be enough time to get together, your schedules are skewed. This is true a lot nowadays with the ‘new’ economy, lots of couples are married but just live together like roommates if both parties have ‘time-consuming’ careers. If not managed properly, it is unfortunate but common for people in this type of lifestyle to end up in a sexless marriage.

Sexless Marriage: “You work, I stay home with the kids!”:

One of you works very hard with your career and one of you stays home to raise the children (child), which is equally as hard as any career! This situation can lead to a sexless marriage in many cases because of the seemingly disparate priority base of each party. The spouse with the career may need to work after hours, travel, or attend “post work” functions and the spouse who stays home raising the children (child) may not have any other outlet for relaxation away from the home front. This situation can easily lead to a sexless marriage because there may be underlying feelings from both sides that contribute to an already tough situation based on personal and work related schedules.

The spouse with the career may say at times, “Why do you think I work so hard? I do it for you, the kids, our family, etc.”. The spouse who stays home with the children (child) may say at times, “You have another release, you have social interaction daily with the outside world. I feel stuck here sometimes, I need to get out and have time for myself.”. If the spouse that stays home feels like the spouse with the career enjoys being out and working more than being home, that calls for a whole different and escalated level of concern! Chances are the sexless marriage was bound to be that way before the current situation even arose.

Sexless Marriage: “I don’t know why…there’s just no spark left, you don’t pay enough attention to me and our sex life and I guess I don’t either!”:
This is a common sexless marriage situation and it can be caused by a variety of things including emotional scars, bad experiences, boredom, laziness, etc. In this situation, there is deep cause for concern from both parties because both parties aren’t happy sexually but don’t really know why it ended up this way. Both parties have just “let things go” and didn’t place a high enough priority on their sex life with their spouse, which in and of itself is very concerning.

Why would either or both parties let things get this way when love making is so important?

Sometimes there’s a feeling of being taken for granted that can occur in this type of sexless marriage, and both parties should realize that sex is a basic human need and should take priority over other things at the right time. It takes work to get out of this type of sexless marriage, you need to sit down and figure out why your marital love life has dwindled. If you both really want to rekindle things, you can do so, but you both need to take equal responsibility for correcting the problem.

Whatever type of sexless marriage you are in (there’s certainly more types than listed here), remember that it is not unrecoverable. If you’re to the point of thinking about getting a divorce because of your sexless marriage, take the time to sit down and figure out how it got to be the way it is now.

If you’ve lost interest in your spouse from a sexual point of view, you need to define exactly why that occurred. If you don’t know right off hand, you need to think back to a time when you did ‘have the spark’ and recall what you both were doing, feeling, thinking, etc. From that point, identify what has changed, why it has changed, and what you can do about it. When you get that portion figured out, you may well on your way to taking the first step of recovering from your sexless marriage. Remember, if you really want to rekindle your relationship, you can.

Karl Augustine

“A Practical Guide To Deciding Whether Or Not To Get A Divorce”

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Sexless Marriage