If you are someone that is facing a divorce, you may be feeling very depressed or emotionally in distress. These feelings are very normal. You cannot predict what is going to happen when you get married. Some marriages work and others do not. It is important to understand that this is not the end of the world and things like this happen all the time.

You are not a bad person because you are getting a divorce. If you and your spouse cannot longer get along, there is no reason to live together in a situation that makes you unhappy. You need to worry about your future and the well being of yourself and your children if any. Sometimes a divorce can be avoided with the right consoling and other times, there is just no hope.

You have to keep positive when you are going through a divorce. You cannot let yourself be taken down by what is happening around you. If you are being accused of untruthful accusations, you have to keep strong so that you can defend your name and your reputation.

Do not give up. You have to be able to fight for what you think is right until the end. If you are determined to get something that is rightfully yours, you need to stand up for it. Getting what you want in a divorce is not always possible, but you do have to keep up a good fight for it. You have to make sure that you are doing this so that you can keep up your positive attitude about what it going on.

Keep yourself surrounded by others that are positive as well. Keeping your friends and family around you is important. You need to keep having fun and laughing when you can. This will keep you in a positive atmosphere and keep you ready for what is ahead.

Once the divorce is over and done with no matter what the outcome, you have to be ready to go on with your life. You need to be ready to get on with your future and to make your dreams come true. Your life is not over even if you think that it is. There are always second chances and you deserve to have one. Your time will come for love again and if it does not, you will know that you are better off without the other spouse. You can make it on your own and have a good life.

Divorce is a very hard time for everyone to deal with. It can be very hard on a person emotionally and physically as well. This is especially true for children. They have to have the proper help during this difficult time. They need to know and understand that it is not their fault and that both parents still love them very much.

Parents are going to have to work hard at putting aside their anger and hard feelings toward each other. They have to sit down and make an arrangement that will be suitable to them and to the children. This is going too much easier and less painful than having to go into court and have them decide this for you.

You have to be able to pull together with your spouse and help the children. This is the only way to help them through this hard time. If one parent decides to go against their commitment to help their child the responsible way, you should still keep your values as a parent and help them the best that you can.

You should not keep the divorce a secret from the children. You need to tell them when you make your decision and what is going to happen. Try to give them at least a little bit of notice before the parent moves out so that the child can have the time to deal with it and ask questions. Reassure the child that both parents are still going to be there for them and that nothing has changed in that sense.

Do not put blame on anyone when you are talking to your children. Do not put down the other parent in any way. It is important that the children know that they still have two dependable and trustworthy parents to take care of them. Let them know that it was a mutual decision and that you both did your best to avoid this ending.

Make your child aware that they are not going to be able to get the both of you back together. Tell them that there is nothing that they can do to make the situation go away. Also make it clear to them where they are going to live and that they can see the other parent any time they want to. You can tell them that there may be some changes in that later on, but it is not going to affect their relationship. Give them the opportunity to ask you any questions that they may have for you both.

Giving the child the right information and not too much information is important. You do not want them to feel anxious or worry about anything that is not their concern. They have to feel comfortable with the news that you told them and give them some time to adjust to the idea.

Caught red-handed, bride wins on appeal –

A court in Ankara found the 19-year-old bride guilty and granted her new husband a divorce after he caught her in bed with a small tube of red paint, on their wedding night. But the District Attorney later reversed the court’s decision because the husband had waited 3 months before bringing the case to trial.

According to the DA’s reckoning, that 3 month wait constituted an ‘acceptance of the situation’ and a ‘demonstration of forgiveness’ on the part of the husband.

“We’d been together in bed on our wedding night,” went the testimony of the bridegroom…”And my wife showed me a piece of cloth with a red substance on it. I remarked, ‘That looks like paint to me’, but she vehemently denied it. Then, suddenly, I felt something hard under the pillow and when I looked, I found a tube of red paint. I was shocked.

I called my brother and his wife into the room — and they saw the tube of red paint too. That night and the next day, we went to two hospitals — trying to get them to run the virginity tests. But it was too late to prove if she had been a virgin or not, before we got married.

But later, my wife and I argued and she admitted that she had put paint on that piece of cloth.”

And although the wife (who had interests in wood paints and fabric dyes) denied all of her husband’s trial charges and testimony, the court found in the husband’s favor.

But on appeal, the District Attorney in Ankara’s 2nd Law District reversed the court’s decision saying, “The marriage continued for three months after the stated reason for the divorce application. In that case, it is not right to grant the divorce petition for that stated reason… without taking the lengthy tolerance of it into account.“

[Click following to access a fully illustrated HTML version of Divorce -- Turkish Style.]

The nuptial idea is used as a primary symbol for the relationship between God and His people in both the Old and New Testaments, and it is the highest relationship between a man and a woman. Jesus honored marriage by granting His first miracle at the wedding at Cana in Galilee. Marriage is meant to illustrate the mystical union between Christ and His church, and between husband and wife.

Then why do we make it so difficult for ourselves? Years ago an article I read in a church periodical placed the primary responsibility for submission upon the wife, but the article also stressed the corresponding need for submission of the husband to his wife. Indeed, mutual submission is inseparable from Christian love, for it is only within Christian love that there is true submission. Otherwise, tyranny results. Only in love is there the freedom to say, “I will.” And the only way to keep that promise, that nuptial covenant, is mutual submission under God’s dominion. The true standard of Christ cancels out the double standard that exists in so many marriages. In a truly Christian marriage two egos succumb to the I AM. Where this is not the case, the two egos clash.

In my own marriage, as in so many marriages, the sweet icing of attraction and intensity turned sour for us once the heavy responsibilities overwhelmed the once carefree days and nights. In the heat of anger and frustration I began to doubt the wisdom of this much-touted institution of marriage. I became convinced it was an institution of the penal type, with no time off even for good behavior. My friends, who I unwisely let in on my problems and who were locked in the same woeful situation, readily agreed, of course. “Misery loves company,” goes the adage. One truth is certain: discontent breeds quicker than rabbits. We did not help each other!

Then one short-fused day something I heard on the radio helped me to accept the idea that staying in my marriage was God’s will: “You may think you have gone against God’s will when you married, but don’t ever consider it a mistake, because God can cut the cloth to fit the pattern.” I was so impressed with that image of God fitting us to His will. That day I prayed for faith to believe that in the human circumstances of misunderstandings, fatigue and all the other robbers in marriage (Satan is the robber baron), God would trim and shape our frayed cloths of pride and selfishness, our hurts and hates.

One’s imagination can make a valuable contribution to life. It can also be like a wild bacterial disease racing through the mind, growing rapidly and pushing out positive and constructive thoughts. In marriage, as in any close relationship, the faculty of imagination must be brought under spiritual control, just as all other members of our bodies must be given to His control. Satan, knowing how easy it is to take control of our minds, insinuates the idea that our spouse no longer loves us because he or she forgets to do something, or says something in the distress of fatigue or illness that hurts us. For some reason it’s all right for the neighbors to have an off day, even the in-laws, but the spouse is expected to be in top emotional and mental shape 24 hours a day, 366 days a year.

As I prayed and thought about our marriage, I found a major problem was my own overactive reactive imagination that reveled in rehashing past hurts that should have been long forgiven and forgotten. When I wrote the list of my husband’s good points and my own bad ones, I decided to regroup images into a more constructive pattern. I wanted to “see” - with a productive imagination - the good marriage we could still have. When the imagination started to conjure up the bad memories and experiences, I prayed to the Holy Spirit to remove the unholy spirit that is the source of our destructive thoughts.

I want to stress here that I realize there are unbearable situations in families in which separation is the only recourse that will bring peace and harmony. My stepfather finally divorced my mother after she got drunk and threatened him with a gun. I watched with horror as she put the gun to his chest. The shock triggered a massive heart attack. Somehow he survived, and when he was well enough he got a divorce - and me! I don’t believe God requires us to remain in impossible situations.

My concern here is with the marriage that shipwrecks on the rocks (pebbles, really) of those nits of misunderstanding and impressions that lead to depressions. But the battered hull is salvageable, and it can be repaired with God’s hammer and wood, and re-varnished with a coat of God’s love. I know to the despairing this may sound like something written by the angels who have no earthly experiences. It may seem impossible to start again and to love again. Certainly I thought so. Then after I read 1 Corinthians 7:12-14, I was ashamed to admit that I couldn’t be Christian enough to remain with a situation that I helped forge with my own hot tongue and temper. Scripture compelled me to step back and take an extensive and objective view of my spouse. I was forced to recognize and admit that he is a good, decent, dependable and hardworking man.

When I searched Scripture, the final arbiter of my actions, I couldn’t come up with an excuse to do what I wanted to do. The only message from the Bible that came through so clearly was the necessity of unconditional love and understanding on my part and, above all, forgiveness. I prayed to better understand my own motivations and lack of innovations to make the marriage work. I begged God to give me the strength and grace to be a true helpmeet for my husband.

Had I ever known the meaning of love as Jesus translated it in Gethsemane and on the Cross? “Love is very patient and kind, never jealous or envious, never boastful or proud, never haughty or selfish or rude. Love does not demand its own way. It is not irritable or touchy. It does not hold grudges and will hardly even notice when others do wrong. It is never glad about injustice, but rejoices whenever truth wins out. If you love someone you will be loyal to him, no matter what the cost. You will always believe him, always expect the best of him, and always stand your ground in defending him” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7, TLB).

No! I hadn’t reached that pinnacle of spiritual success, and probably never will. And if I, as a professing Christian, had to admit that I failed every day and fell so short of the glory of God, what right did I have to blame my husband for any failures, alleged or real? And what right had I to leave him, considering the damage I had inflicted on us?

If, as already stated, one of the reasons for the rush to dissolve marriages is lack of appreciation, another is the diminution of the sense of responsibility towards others. The “me-first” blocks we use to build the precarious foundations of families and societies eventually become stumbling blocks. Like it or not, we have a responsibility to others, primarily our spouse and our children. We cannot possibly measure the present and future effects of the thought, words and deeds of our lives, or even our deaths, for what we do and say lives on in the hearts and minds of those entrusted to our care while on this earth. Yes, it is an awesome responsibility!

If we are normal, we all have days when we would like to say to our children, “I’m fed up with all these demands and chores, kids, so I’m taking the day off from smother-hood.” Or to our spouse, “I’ve had it up to my fast-graying hair with having to account to you for everything. I think I’ll take a month off and do my own thing.” If I had a nickel for every time I’ve nursed those temptations, I could afford a divorce! But the fact remains that when we say those vows we also accept the obligations and burdens that accompany them. Even so, you say, God gave us choice. We can walk out on it. We can also choose to stay with it. But for the serious Christian who can find no excuse to divorce, there is no moratorium until we reach the mortuary! Again, let me stress that I realize there are indeed impossible situations that demand relief. This is not an attempt to pass judgment on anyone else’s circumstances.

One day my husband and I were discussing the impending divorce of friends of ours who had been married many years. Our state law has what is known as the “dissolution clause.” My husband unwittingly called it the “disillusion clause.” I laughed, then thought how appropriate, really. We go into these lifelong contracts with great illusions and expectations, only to discover that we all have feet of clay and hearts of stone. The only way we are going to be freed from idolatry and slavery is to pray for new hearts of tender flesh and new minds of tolerance and understanding.

I have discovered that forgiveness is the real essence of a close relationship. This is the gold vein in the gold mine of love. But how my heart rebelled against it. Forgiveness! Had I not every right to resent what was done or not done? Said or not said? “No, God,” I vowed, “I won’t forgive!”

It’s amazing how we nurture snakes in our proud bosoms. I nurtured hatred, and I wasn’t going to let anyone take that prized possession from me. Then one day a friend brought me a book that gave new words to an age-old lesson that we so often refuse to learn. The author made statements, in terms I could not mistake, that we are responsible for our sinful hearts, our sick minds, and our lawless natures, in the sense that we can be rid of them if we want. The author suggested that the sooner we learn it is our own attitudes and reactions that make us happy or unhappy, and not others’ actions, we would be that much closer to a healed mind and contented heart. It was a distasteful dose of spiritual medicine, but one I needed desperately at the time. I dropped to my knees and begged the Holy Spirit to “create in me a clean heart … and renew a right spirit within me” (Psalm 51:10).

The book also helped me to view my husband from the perspective of my own sins and shortcomings rather than through the clouded lens of his alleged faults. The light reflected back on me, and I saw my own black heart. If God can wipe away that blackness from my heart, the buildup of years of myopic self-pity, I thought, then surely He can give me the power to forgive my husband, someone He had already forgiven long ago. It was the only route I could travel, the final option open that would keep us together. If Jesus at the Last Supper with patience and love and humility could wash the feet of twelve bickering disciples (including the man who betrayed Him!), then a sinner such as I must forgive fully and freely and in turn be freed from the prison of hate.

I methodically studied the gift of forgiveness in the Holy Scripture and other religious books. There is no mistaking God’s demand that we are to be peacemakers. A paragraph by A.P. Stanley from a treasured book Daily Strength for Daily Needs, written many years ago, spoke directly to my heart: “We may, if we choose, make the worst of one another. Every one has his weak points; every one has his faults; we may make the worst of these. We may fix our attention constantly upon these. But we may also make the best of one another. We may forgive, even as we hope to be forgiven. We may put ourselves in the place of others, and ask what we should wish to be done to us, and thought of us, were we in their place. By loving whatever is lovable in those around us, love will flow back from them to us. Life will become a pleasure instead of a pain, and earth will become like heaven, and we shall become not unworthy followers of Him whose name is Love.”

I constantly reminded myself that there is a law which operates in this lovely but difficult business of forgiveness: God forgives us, and we forgive each other. But if we don’t forgive each other, then He can’t forgive us. Above all, we can’t extract the last ounce of payment before we grant full pardon. The story is told of a married man who went further than indiscretion with a certain lady. He expressed his profound sorrow to his wife. She then spent the next several years salting the festering wound, never letting it heal. Finally one day the long-suffering man had suffered long enough and he told his wife that he was leaving. She began to cry and she begged him to stay, assuring him that she now would forgive and forget his sin against her. “Oh no, you don’t,” he snapped back as he walked out the door. “You can’t give me something I paid for years ago!”

Marriage is proudly called a 50-50 proposition, but a successful union calls for 100 percent of our effort. The IOUs add up in the drawer of our mind, and we pull out the drawer during stress times. Instead of keeping track of our spouse’s IOUs we might try putting our own into the empty space: IOU for taking on the responsibility of a family; IOU for loving me enough to overlook my moods; IOU for letting me pursue my hobbies without question; IOU for being kind enough to leave me alone when I need that aloneness; IOU for being willing to stay home alone when I go on fishing trips, etc. We can think of many more, I’m sure. In the thrust of anger we might try pulling out a few of these. They’re guaranteed to make us feel ashamed when we realize how much we take for granted! Our own IOUs take the “contentIOUs” of our marriage!

Gratitude seems to have become a lost art, if not a lost cause. In this age of scientific advances, when material goods are so plentiful, it’s too easy to forget the Giver. Likewise in marriage, it’s too easy to forget the human giver. Only when food becomes unavailable do we really get hungry. Only then do we appreciate what we had when food was there for the taking. The analogy can be applied to our loved one. Perhaps, along with our morning worship, we should visualize an empty chair where our spouse usually sits, and consider the loss and what its effect on the family would be.

Gratitude is a sign of maturity and spiritual perception. “There were not found any that returned to give glory to God, save this stranger” (Luke 17:18). Jesus honored the one who returned to thank Him. We forget to thank many people, and those we thank the least are those with whom we spend the most time. It should never be said among family members that “familiarity breeds contempt.” Instead, close association should develop love, joy, peace, patience, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, and self-control. And our spouse and children should have first pick of that rare and beautiful fruit of a converted spirit.

Gratitude also implies contentment in whatsoever state we are, literally and figuratively. Paul had experienced the best and the worst and he could be happy with either. That is quite an accomplishment and a goal devoutly to be wished for in our own lives. If gratitude is on one side, then the flip side of the matrimonial coin is that forgiveness we discussed earlier. If we can keep our minds filled with the positive values, then the mind won’t be free to wander into forbidden territory. There won’t be room for Satan to return with his seven devils of impatience, pride, irritability, resentment, selfishness, injustice, and rudeness that strangle the life out of marriage, as well as other relationships, including our children.

Now in fairness to the “staff” (whether rod of authority or crutch), I would like to speak for the distaff side of the couple. I realize we have been “liberated,” but only when a man is able to bear a baby in all senses of the word will I be convinced that male and female are truly equal. At the risk of setting back “progress” two centuries, I state my belief that if both men and women performed the roles assigned them by God from the beginning, there wouldn’t be such a mighty attempt to neuter the world.

Christ Himself paid the supreme compliment to women by personifying the church as both mother and bride. This alone should convince us of our sublime purposes and responsibilities. Thomas Otway, who lived from 1651 to 1685, speaks glowingly, “O woman! Lovely woman! Nature made thee / to temper man; we had been brutes without you; / Angels are painted fair, to look like you; / There’s in you all that we believe of heav’n, / Amazing brightness, purity, and truth, / eternal joy, and everlasting love.” We women haven’t changed much since the 17th century. Imagine a 21st century man coming home to such a lovely wife!

This fits in with what Peter says of the meek and quiet spirit of woman: “Your adornment is rather the hidden character of the heart, expressed in the unfading beauty of a calm and gentle disposition. This is precious in God’s eyes” (1 Peter 3:4, NAB). We may attempt external beauty through lotions from the drug store, but we can attain loveliness of character only through God’s grace, recognizing that our role is that of comforter and not combatant. Men and women were created to complement each other - and a compliment a day would help, too! Not even the women can blame the men for their anger if the men hear demands for “rights” while the “duties” are left home crying. Soon the men count more wrongs than rights. A woman once told me that she wished the females who seem so intent on their rights would leave hers alone. She enjoys the privileges of not having to compete for a living, and she likes being treated as “the weaker sex,” although we gals know this is not true!

I firmly believe that the family is the basic unit of society. If we can mend our families, then we will have a mended society. But this indeed takes the mind of Christ, a mind that can wade through instant gratification and the tyranny of the now with its consequences, to the quiet, everyday love and loyalty that ensures domestic and societal tranquility. It may not be as much fun, but it certainly is more rewarding! With prayer and a willing spirit, we can achieve it.

Divorce is one of the hardest things a person can go through, the destruction of a couple has in it the power to destroy the individuals and it sometimes takes a long time and a lot of energy to get back on your feet and start living again. We all know that divorce is usually something that develops over time, that the initial gaps grow wider and wider and eventually cause the couple to separate from each other, many times this is the last break finally resulting in divorce.

One thing that happens in many couples is the separation phase that is usually the clear indicator that something is seriously wrong in the relationship, and the reaction to separation is as hard as it is to any bad news. There are many approaches to separation and many ideas about what good or what bad may come out of an initial separation, there are those who say that this is actually the first step in divorcing, other say it is the first step to negotiation and talk.

The idea of separation is usually brought up by one of the partners and this creates a situation in which one side is on the initiative and another is forced into an agreement position, but this is not so, a separation has in it many small details that need to be agreed on, especially if there are kids involved and there are many points and issues that needs to be discussed and addressed as the couple maintains a distance.

As a general rule, if you are suggested the idea of separation try your best not to overreact and to understand that this is the other side way of dealing with things, losing control when this is suggested usually just makes things worst and creates a sort of desperate situation in which many things are said and regretted soon after. Do not push yourself into a corner, remember that there is a chance that your partner will want his or her own space and will ask for a separation, this time will give both of you time to think and reassess the situation.

There are a lot of things you can do in this time of the separation and there is a lot of time for the other side to think about life without you, the time can be used to create a nicer and friendlier atmosphere between the couple and create a new beginning, which is not forced but chosen by each of the partners, since you will be separated you will each have the power to choose if you want to meet and for how long. You can control the frequency of your meetings, and the time you spend together, you can use this to try and show your good sides and the part in you that wants to save the partnership.

To stop a divorce you will need a lot of strength and determination, but it is possible to do, do not let a simple request for a time off send you into an uncontrolled anger attack, try and use each move to your benefit and plan your moves as you save your marriage and stop your divorce.

Yes, there might be one thousand reasons why you want to get divorced.

Of course, only you know how you feel and why you want to take this step in your relationship.

Look, if you already made the decision, well… that’s fine, maybe you think nobody in the world can make you think it over and give you and your spouse another shot.

I won’t try to make you change your mind; I’m nobody to do such a thing; however, allow me to tell you the way I see this situation.

Look my friend, if God’s will is that you and your spouse take different paths, nothing, and I mean nothing you do will change that.

There are only two things you have to do.

First, you have to try, with all your heart, to be the best person you can be.

How will this help you?

Well, if you are the one who doesn’t want to get divorced, by being the best person in the world will make your mate realize the mistake he/she is making and sooner or later he/she will regret it.

Also, by being the best person in the world, God will do what’s best for you, either send you the right person for you or make you have the strength you need in this moment to let it go.

Second. Just take this a one more page in the story of your life.

Remember the good things you lived with your spouse and let life go on.

Please, whatever you do, don’t even think about suicide.

Nobody said life would be easy.

Besides, problems are what makes life exciting and worth it to be lived at its fullest.

Divorce, even in the best of circumstances, is a painful process. It represents an ending to what has become familiar and normal. I know the sting of divorce. I have seen its ugly head rear up in my mind and in my heart without remorse or concern for my emotional well being or happiness. I know the pain of loss and the resulting low self-esteem at being left behind. It is not a happy time in anyone’s life. I would wish that you would never have to experience this in your life, but if you have, I can empathize with your grief and pain.

Divorce can bring out the worst in people: the greed, the envy, the desire to inflict suffering, and often even the joy of hurting someone they once loved. Why is this?

Divorce is about the loss of trust, respect, and love (even like and friendship) of your partner. It is often a forgone conclusion, when people are sharing their wedding vows, thinking, “This is wrong, I am making a mistake.” But, they push on in spite of these inner urgings against this decision.

It is important to understand that a successful marriage is not the result of falling in love. It is the result of (there are lots of characteristics, but here are a few of the most important ones):

commitment

acceptance

willingness to change and grow

ability to handle differences

Relationships don’t fail, people fail in them. A marriage is an entity without feelings, agendas, expectations and problems. These issues are in the people not in the relationship. Passion doesn’t leave a marriage; it leaves the people in it. So, what can you do? Spend time in honest non-blaming self-appraisal. Learn about yourself from it.

Everyone’s experience in divorce is different. Any article on recovery needs to start with that. I’m not going to try and cover all the possible reasons and circumstances that vary from person to person. Instead, we’ll focus on things that are almost universal…the emotional stages that everyone experiences to some degree. We’ll cover what these emotions are, how they affect you and how to deal with them. This article is devoted to you…getting you through to recovery so you can get on with a happy, healthy life. Yes, you can!

I’ve often felt that divorce is the most painful kind of grief because the person you lost is still around. You have all the same emotions as if your spouse has died…but they haven’t…they’re just not with you any more. Separation somehow seems to make divorce more cruel. Even worse, when children are involved, you’re permanently linked to the source of your pain, suffering the loss over and over again. When there are issues of child custody, support, visitation, dating, adultery, the emotions just get deeper and more painful. Divorce, like grief, creates emotions of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally, acceptance just like any other major loss. We’ll focus on how some of these emotions are changed when divorce is the reason for our grief. For more detail on grief, generally, see Stages Of Grief And Loss.

Denial: Everyone who grieves goes through some amount of denial, even those whose loved one dies. For divorce, the denial seems more reasonable. After all, they’re just across town…it’s just temporary…they’ll get over it. I suspect the ‘amicable divorce’ concept is a symptom of denial. After all, if you were able to live amicably, you wouldn’t be divorced. With many forms of grief, denial is a very short experience, but with divorce, the denial can go on for months…even years…some never get out of it. They sadly wait the rest of their lives for their love to return.

Anger: Just as the denial of divorce is often longer, the anger in divorce is usually far stronger than if your spouse had died. This is because they aren’t dead! Either they abandoned you or created the conditions where you had to leave them…either way, it was their action that seems responsible for your pain and loss. The stronger the anger is, the more it chains you to your pain and suffering. I know some who will not release their anger even years after they were hurt. They are as bound to it as Ahab to the whale, in Moby Dick…and with the same end. It really doesn’t matter how justified our anger is, the person it’s hurting…is us. No matter what it takes, we have to find a way to move past the anger, put it behind us and move on.

Bargaining: This is a lot like denial, except, in bargaining, you try to believe there are things you can do to get your spouse back. ‘If I just say I’m sorry for the thousandth time, they will take me back.’ ‘If I can convince them I’ve changed, they’ll leave their new partner and come back to me.’ If your spouse had died, bargaining is usually just a reflection on how it might have been different. Since your spouse is still alive, bargaining is actually possible. Every time your mind hits upon a new tactic, you’re on the phone or at their door, trying to get back. In fact, if someone won’t move out of the divorce bargaining stage, it can become stalking and lead to restraining orders or jail. There has to be a point where you let go.

Depression: With divorce, this is usually more severe than with the death of a loved one. Maybe during the anger stage we were able to blame all our hurt on them, but since the bargaining phase we’ve begun to realize we had a hand in it. My brother was depressed for 3 years after his wife left him. Just before his sudden death from cancer, I visited him in the same apartment the family had lived in for 20 years. He never moved! There were still empty places on the walls where the children’s pictures had been removed, over 3 years before. My brother was so shaken by the reality that those he loved the most, no longer wanted to be with him, it was as if he had been frozen in time. Make sure you have a close friend who will keep an eye on you when you’re going through the depression part of divorce. They will force you to do what you don’t want to do…everything.

Acceptance and Recovery: Finally! It could take 2 years or longer to get here. In most divorces, it becomes clear that we and our spouse could have done things differently. We learn from the things we’ve discovered about ourselves and accept the things we’ve discovered about them. We realize there will always be a place in our heart where we miss how things might have been, but that is no longer the focus of our lives. We’re even able to consider the risk of another relationship, hopefully, equipped with all we’ve learned from the last one.

In Divorce, potential tax liability can frequently become the tool for one spouse to use against the other spouse. If improperly used, this tool can destroy all of the marital assets. In the worst case, tax liability can seriously impact the future financial security of either spouse and subject them to criminal sanctions.

Situation 1 - Your Spouse Owns a Business

The most common situation where taxes become an issue in a divorce is they there is a family business. The owner - spouse may have hidden cash receipts or engage in a practice of recording inflated expenses. This common practice by many business owners is a fraudulent attempt to minimize taxes. The other spouse is often aware of and approves of this practice. During the marriage, minimization of taxes results in higher household income and a better lifestyle for the couple.

This practice is illegal or borders on illegal. During the marriage it is a secret between the married couple. But during a divorce each spouse may try to use past tax behavior to gain an advantage. The owner - spouse wants to minimize past income in an effort to lower child support, alimony, or division of marital property. Of course the other spouse wants to prove the opposite.

The result is a game of chicken - with one spouse threatening to turn the other spouse in to the IRS. This is a dangerous game for all involved. Do it yourselfers will find the situation blowing up in their face. People with attorneys may find the attorney reluctant to deal with the situation.

The Potential Problems:

• Your Attorney cannot assist the owner/spouse commit the crime of tax evasion.
• The non-owner spouse may end up liable for half of the back taxes, penalties, and fines.
• The divorce court Judge may decide to turn everyone in.
• In an extreme situation, everyone can go to jail.

Situation 2 - You Make a Surprise Discovery: Your Spouse is a Tax Cheat

Another common situation in divorce: the sudden realization that a spouse is a tax cheat – and you were completely unaware until the divorce.

The Potential Problems:

• You may end up owing the IRS half the overdue taxes.
• You may end up owing the IRS the ENTIRE tax bill.
• The overdue tax bill may be double the actual unpaid taxes, due to penalties, fines, and interest.

The Potential Solution:

The IRS has a provision called Innocent Spouse Relief. This provision gives complete or partial tax forgiveness to an innocent spouse. But be aware - the definition of “innocent” is technical, elusive, and difficult to understand.

Two available forms of tax relief:

• Innocent Spouse Relief - Discharge of Liability
• Separate Tax Liability for Each Spouse

The first form of relief wipes out your tax debt in part or full. You must have not had any knowledge of the incorrect or fraudulently prepared tax returns. That means you cannot look like you were aware of any part of the return. Also, you must not have benefited from the hidden income. That means you cannot be driving a Mercedes and at the same time signing a tax return that show $200/week in income.

The second form of relief is slightly easier to get. If you qualify, the IRS will separate out the tax liability of your income from your spouse’s hidden income. This type of relief may have the effect of wiping out extreme tax bills and penalties.

The Bottom Line: Always be aware of these types of tax situations. The financial effect can be far worse than the divorce. If you believe this type of problem is in your future, start preparing immediately. Do not sign a joint tax return for your upcoming tax filing. File married-filing-separately. The moment you suspect a potential tax liability, begin to separate your financial life from your spouse’s financial life and then promptly file for divorce.

Copyright 2006 The Divorce Center P.A.

Marriage as an institution has become more of a legal contract than a religious ceremony. Since marriage is a contract, the involved parties, i.e. the spouses can decide to break the marriage and go their separate ways.

A divorce has many legal implications involving property ownership, child custody and other matters. The state gets involved since properties have to have legal titles and the proper care of children is another legitimate legal matter.

Separation can happen in many ways. It can be amicably settled between the spouses themselves, ‘in propria persona’ in legal terms. A mediator can help spouses negotiate an agreement. The mediator can be a lawyer, mental health professional or even an accountant. Unbundling is a term that allows partners, as general contractors, to negotiate between themselves, bringing in the services of experts only when needed. Alternatively, spouses can hire an individual lawyer to create a win-win situation. Finally, if nothing helps, the couples can go for a court trial where the division of property and custody of the children will be decided by a judge.

The role of lawyers is to help draft a separation agreement between the husband and wife. A separation agreement resolves issues related to alimony, child custody, child support and the division of property. Under the Michigan statute, a judge considers only the factors of standard of living and marital fault for deciding alimony. Similarly, for granting child custody, factors like statutory guidelines, children’s wishes, the health of the child and domestic violence are considered. The judge may employ custody evaluators. Also, child support is decided by factors like shared income, mandatory deduction for medical purposes and child care, college support and shared parenting.

A separation agreement is a binding contract, and therefore must be reviewed with care. Lawyers can be located through local bar associations and also websites. In choosing the lawyer, trust and credentials are very important to consider.